Jerkin' It

Warnings: 1st person, Duo POV. Squicky references to G's dating habits. Post-canon.
Spoilers: Not really
Notes: This prose is the antithesis of purple. If it had to have a color, it would be the color of a drunken 19 year boy trying to impress other drunken 19 year old boys, most of whom have trouble getting actual dates. It's also obnoxious and pretty much irredeemable.


*****


You know, it's not like guys don't jerk off all the time, right? I mean it's a guy thing. I gotta pud, I gotta pull it. The Sweepers are a great buncha guys; they not only taught me how to fix my Gundam, they taught me that a good bout of masturbation can make everyone easier to deal with. I still don't get how my own personal, private whack off session can make Heero and Wufei turn from instadickhead into their own version of little Miss Mary Sunshine, but if it works, it works. It's not like they're ever there when the ol' Maxwell fountain goes off, right? Right. Like I said, guys jerk off all the time so I'm completely innocent on this one.

Anyway, Heero sure, you can stay with me as long as you want, you're my best friend, just clean up after yourself so I don't have to break your legs Yuy decided that the pristine and routinely sterilized Casa de Yuy suddenly turned up with a freak infestation of cockroaches and needed to be fumigated over the weekend. Like I never heard that one before. Hell, even G used it when he was slapping on the moldy mad scientist aftershave, slipping into his best lab coat (the one without coffee stains), and whistling his way out the door and on down to the mad scientist's mixer at the nearest secret disco lab. Like he was gonna bring his moldy mad scientist one night stand in her best lab coat back to his secret lab to see his blue prints. Yeah right. He must have been sniffing MS fuel if he thought I'd ever let poor Deathscythe bear witness to that. Fight battles against impossible odds that lead to certain self destruction? Sure, no problem, be there with bells on. Be present when G's getting his ashes hauled? Oh hell no. I usually barricaded myself in the cockpit and pretended to be sane just to encourage him to take his date for the evening to a secret cheap motel lab.

It's no big deal to me if Heero wants to get laid. He's a healthy guy with a great body that belongs at the top of great bodies of all times hall of fame, why shouldn't he get some when he can? I just don't think that his laptop really cares if I'm there or not no matter how naked he is. Besides, it's not like the damned thing will enjoy a romantic, candlelight dinner anyway. But hey, he's letting me live in his spare room and eat popcorn on his couch. If he wants a special weekend with his computer, I'm not gonna complain about accommodating his romantic wishes. It's not like Wufei has a life outside of work either so he can certainly put me up for the weekend. Bound to be more entertaining than a hotel room even with room service and an indoor pool and spa. Well, it would have been if Wufei the Swinging Studmuffin hadn't chosen to pull a series of double shifts instead of entertaining me. Coward. Much as I like Wufei's place and all, I hate being there when I'm alone. It's, you know, Wufei's and he does pissy so well. Though, not to be an asshole or anything, I gotta admit that I like Wu's place better than Heero's. For one, Heero has this shameful addiction to soy sauce that kind of reeked its way into the cereal. He puts it on everything. And the octopus? I'm all for ethnic exploration and all, but octopus? Octopus looked like boiled, warty penis. First time I saw it in his fridge, Junior crawled up behind my balls and wouldn't come out for two days. Wufei's place, though, it smelled fresh and spicy, like ginger, cinnamon, and green tea. Too bad his vid was the size of a shoe box and he didn't have a game deck.

So, I'm bored. I'm so bored I've gone beyond boredom. I'm into, um, what's beyond boredom? Bore my head open dom? Zombie boredom?

I was stupid enough let Heero talk me into leaving my bike back at home and he told me he'd shoot me if I showed up before he came and got me on Sunday, to protect me from the awful fumigation stuff, or so he said. Huh. Dickhead. I don't have enough money for a cab since Wufei decided to prove he was totally antisocial and moved out to bumfucked Brussels. The nearest convenience store is fourteen miles away and I'm just too damned lazy to hike it. Not to mention the ice cream would melt and the beer would get heavy. The only place that delivers this far out thinks Wufei is a stuck up asshole and won't even meet me down the road. Bastards have caller ID. I'm not allowed in the garden. I'm not allowed to touch Wufei's bike. He gave me the vid remote and said he'd be back Sunday afternoon and that he'd take any damage, no matter how minuscule, out on my hide. You know the man doesn't even stock cookies? Rice cakes! They taste like cardboard and I'm not allowed to eat them in the parlor so I can watch the vid. Parlor? Parlor? Having no cookies aside, just what kind of loser is he?

Naturally, there's nothing on until later except some infomercials and some stupid girl movies. Even Hilde hates girl movies. Wufei doesn't just have the porn blocked out, it doesn't even come to his house. I know, I hacked the parental control code on his remote. Don't tell him, but your old gundam com code so does not make a good pin number. At least Heero offered me some challenge what with using my old gundam com code. You know Heero put all the good shit on the parental restriction list? You know, I should buy him one of those vibrators that you can plug into a port on your laptop so you can either have some really kickin' cybersex with someone or for those of use in love with our laptops, can program them to have really great, um, laptop-y cybersex. Maybe he'd actually crack a smile or something.

I've been watching talk shows for the last two hours. The current sleaze has been interviewing, if you can call it that, a couple of fake-tittied, fake-blonde chicks that look enough like Relena on 'roids to give me the willies; especially since they're strippers cum hot oil wrestlers in school girl uniforms that scream I'm for sale, cheap. It wouldn't surprise me if they weren't even really female.

God, I'm so bored.

I'm seriously thinking about breaking the no food in the parlor rule. Think he'd kill me? Make that almost thinking about seriously breaking the rule. To be honest, Wufei kinda scares me. Heero hits hard and he's damned good at hitting what he wants to hit, but let's be real. I'm way faster than he is. Heero's military trained. He's all be one with your 9 mil, young grasshopper crap from his mad scientist and that assassin guy. Me, I'm a street fighter from way back. Poor Heero can only tag me on the sly. Wufei? The man is greased lightning. I pretty much can't take Heero, but he pretty much can't take me either. Yeah, we wrestle a lot. It's fun, even if he does wear heavy sweats and a cup when we do it. I'm not so sure about Wu, though. Maybe it's just the drool factor talking. The few times we'd bunked together way back when, I used to sneak around and watch him do his forms in the morning. If he thought he was alone--the man actually bought into the whole me not a morning person act--he'd do them half naked. Sister Helen might have been the next best thing to a saint, but I sure as hell never was. God the man is just, he's so, God. My idea of Heaven is Heero and Wufei hot oil wrestling. Yeah, hot oil wrestling. In white thong underwear.

Dammit, I'm drooling all over Wufei's parlor futon couch thing.

I can just see it. Man, can I ever. Not in a bar or anything, 'cause that's definitely not us. Outside. Yeah. It'd be in Wu's back yard in one of those blow up pool things full of hot oil. Sesame oil would be the best. What? I happen to a connoisseur of fine Asian cuisine, thank you very much. And damn are those two fine. They'd have on these itty bitty little white thongs, the thin cotton kind not the kind you swim in. There'd be nothing but golden, glowing skin and those itty bitty thongs. Couldn't tell you about Wu for sure, but I know Heero could fill his out really, really well. Spandex doesn't leave much to the imagination. I bet Wu'd fill one out. Hell, I'd get down on my knees and beg to see if Wufei could fill one out.

Just thinking about that and I have to give Junior a little room to maneuver, if you know what I'm saying. Jeans make my butt look good, but they're kind of stifling when you pop a boner. Whoever came up with the button fly has my eternal gratitude. Zipper teeth are not what my naked penis wants to feel. I figure what the hell and unbutton my shirt, too. Okay, so I stole it from Howard, but he's an image I don't want when Junior's standing at attention and about to get right on to a good close quarters drill ceremony. Nope, not when I got better things to think about. Much better things. Like nearly naked Asian gundam pilots standing ankle deep in sesame oil while wearing white cotton thongs and searing looks of extreme determination. That's the image I want. Oooh, baby, come to papa. Oh yeah, they're determined to win, to, to, um.... Win me? No, that won't do. Don't want to lose the threesome idea. The thong, yeah, that's it. The winner is the one still wearing the thong at the end. Even better, the winner is the one that brings me the loser's thong. With his teeth. Hell yeah.

Heero and Wufei glower at each other, that fiercely competitive I'm so gonna kick your ass glower they both managed to perfect and I get laughed at for using. Half hard and filling out the pouch in those thongs rather nicely. Heero tenses his muscles, those perfect pecs tightening up.
When that thought makes me whimper, I gotta spit on my hand and give Junior a reassuring little tug.

Heero is all about muscle and power. He's hard style strength all the way. He's like an unstoppable force of nature. He gets his hands on you and it's over, sayonara, see ya later, your personal fat lady is singing Ride of the Valkyries just for you.

Heero's thigh muscles bunching and shifting under his smooth hide are the only real warning before he suddenly lowers his center of gravity and hurls himself at Wufei. Wu, though, he's got the speed and finesse. Soft style is definitely his preferred method. He moves like a dragon. He sidesteps Heero's grab, presses his palm along the back of Heero's spine, and face plants Heero in the oil. Smirking, Wu snatches at that thong. No way 'Ro is down for the count, though. He tangles his legs in Wu's and brings him down. Smack! The smirk turns to shock, that pretty, cock sucking mouth of Wu's opens up when he lands, flat on his back, in the oil. Before I can even blink, Heero's body is covering Wufei completely.

Wufei. Beneath Heero. Heated skin covered in oil. Two slicked bodies squirming around together. Damn.

I push my jeans down just enough to reach under my dick to play with my boys with one hand and tweak my nipples with the other. Oh, fuck yeah.

They're rolling around now, slopping oil all over the place. They're writhing against each other, fighting to get a hold or a lock of some sort. Wu's hand slips across Ro's gorgeous ass. His fingers brush against the thong and miss. They roll around just long enough to showcase two beautiful specimens of manhood locked in sensual combat before breaking apart and standing up. The oil oh so clings to them, highlighting each, individual muscle on the two most perfect bodies in the earth sphere. They're both panting, pecs working and lats flexing. Down past two sets of gorgeously tight abs, they're obviously hard, all the way hard, as in peeking up past the oil soaked thongs hard.

God, I'd love to see them in white cotton soaked in oil. It'd mold around them like a second skin and turn almost completely transparent. My hand lets go of my nipples to get real friendly with my wood. I give Junior a polite squeeze and then start a slow stroking that gonna make me groan a whole hell of a lot. Or maybe it's the image of a pair of oiled and mostly naked gundam pilots. Or maybe both.

Wufei closes in this time, feinting right and then twisting left. Heero catches the move and firmly plants his feet so Wufei's attempt to hook his legs out from under him forces Wu to put himself in a spread stance with one leg between both of Heero's. They exchange a few punches and blocks, fast and sinuous, then Heero ducks unexpectedly under an elbow to the head while Wufei's almost elegant brush block sends Heero's punch gliding off to the side. Heero's knees flex down enough to make his ass connect with Wu's thigh.

Oh my fucking God I have found religion.

Ro smirks lasciviously--it's my fantasy, Heero can be lascivious in my fantasies dammit--and he thrusts his dick toward Wu's dick. A long, slow thrust that drags the hot, oiled flesh of his spread butt cheeks along the hard, oiled flesh of Wufei's thigh. The only thing that separates Ro's tight little butt from Wu's long, hard leg would be an itty bitty strip of transparent thong. They both know it and they both groan, nipples hard and eyes half lidded. Wufei twists his hands into the sides of Heero's thong and the game could be all over. He won't rip it, oh no. Wufei is too subtle and devious for that. He uses the handholds to guide Ro into humping his leg. He leans forward, his mouth open and tongue peeking out like he's some kind of Chinese war god dominating his prize. Ro's eyes close and he moans, long and low, opening up to take Wufei's tongue inside. Lips touch and tongues tangle right out in the open and then ri-i-i-ip. Wufei loses his butt floss. Hot, hard, horny, naked Wufei. Oh me, oh my.

Heh, I had to slow my hand down. If I get too slap happy with Junior, he's gonna blow too soon. I really want to enjoy this little fantasy to the fullest.

Of course, Wufei isn't one to be outdone, especially not by some hopped up Japanese boy. Heero's thong is toast. One butt naked Heero straddling the thigh of one butt naked Wufei coming right up! And I do mean coming. From there, it's a fight to see who can get a thong to me first. With a quick twist and toss, Wufei has Heero on his back in the pool. Ro's knees are up and spread and I have a few seconds to savor a clear, uninterrupted view of his slicked up equipment before Ro brings Wufei down on top of him.

Damn, I'd give my left nut to see that in real life. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I cuddle my left nut with my left hand, just to reassure the cringing little guy. I couldn't bribe my right hand loose from Junior, except maybe with Heero's or Wufei's dick if I'da happened to have one on hand to donate to the cause.

Wufei is on his hands and knees, straddling Heero's body and fighting Ro's powerful pull into the oil. His head is up, nostrils flaring. His shoulders and arms are bunching and flexing to keep his elbows locked and hands from slipping out from under him. His back is arched to give his hands and knees more leverage. Oh holy fucking hannah is his back arched. His butt is hard, curved, and just sticking right on out there, begging to be....

Oh fucking hell, Wufei.

I clamp my fingers around the base of my dick to keep from shooting my wad like a beam cannon. It feels so frustratingly good, it hurts. A lot, actually. Junior is pissed. I groan, a low, deep, manly groan. Okay, so I just squealed, whined, and bucked, panting like I was in heat or something, but it's all very manly. You can smell all the testosterone. Well, it's come, but you have to have a lot of testosterone to make come. I stick my sticky fingers in my mouth and wonder what Wufei tastes like. I wonder if he'd even be interested. Wufei. Hot, slippery Wufei on his hands and knees. Heero was firmly in the "maybe" category on the issue, but he's been giving me looks lately. I'm not sure what the looks are for, exactly, but they're definitely looks. Fantasy, though, damn they're hot for me. And hot. As in wow hot because words fail you hot.

Wufei suddenly decides that Heeros and thongs are no longer of any interest to him, turning his head and locking those eyes of his right on Junior. He licks his lips and smirks that sexy, smug, sexy, annoying, sexy as hell smirk of his. Oooh. He slaps Heero across the face with the thong and slinks, on all fours, his way out of the pool thing. Yeah, slinks, like a coiling dragon who thinks he's in charge of everything. His smirk just gets more and more wickedly sexy as he crawls toward me. Without the thong.

Wufei is such a shithead. Even in my fantasy, he doesn't do what he's supposed to do. But damn, does he look good. Heero, though, he's such a Robbie Ranger. He saunters along behind Wufei. Okay, I'd saunter behind Wufei just to get a good look at that ass sticking up in the air and swaying in the breeze. Heero, though, he's got both thongs with him, casually hooked over a finger. And he's watching that gorgeous Chinese ass swinging its way to me. Look, Wufei says, licking his lips. Watch me lick you. And then his tongue slithers over the head of Junior.

I close my eyes and moan, throttling my dick before it could spit out the manjunk. Hey, can I help it if my dick is a rice queen? Make that a rice slut. I blame Heero. And Wufei. I mean, do my fellow gundam pilots have to be so damned pretty?

See, look, watch. I'm going to swallow you whole, Wufei says, then opens wide. His tongue is out and leads his mouth down the length of my dick so he can lick my balls. Shut up. It's a fantasy. Then he huffs and chokes and yanks his mouth off to arch his back again and let go of this sexy little whine. I look up from that mouth to see Heero's hands holding Wufei's ass cheeks wide and his face pressing into Wufei's butt. Wufei's back isn't just arching anymore, he's gyrating and wriggling and all those other delicious -ing words. Oh dear God, am I seeing perfection or what?

Wufei just smirks again, though the smirk isn't working as well as it normally does, what with Heero's tongue all over his ass. Wu sucks on one of his fingers for a moment, then swallows my dick whole again. And swallows. And swallows. I can feel his throat working on the head of my dick and I just want to scream. And then his wet finger touches my hole and I do scream. And then it's inside of me and hunting down my prostate.

And then he finds it and I'm screaming and coming and screaming even more. "Wufei!"

"Wufei?"

That sounds an awful like an irritated and confused Heero and nothing like what I'd imagine a Heero who has been performing intoxicatingly perverted sexual acts on Wufei's person would sound like.

I force my eyes open and then holy shit.

Heero, looking irritated and confused, is standing immediately behind a shocked and embarrassed Wufei in the door of Wufei's stupid parlor. And they're not naked either. Or wearing thongs. Heero is wearing a silk shirt---and can I just say yummy---with his keys jangling in his hand and Wufei is wearing his Preventer's jacket like a cape and a big, honkin' cast on his right arm.

Junior, enthusiastic as always, spit out the last of my spooge.

Oh boy.

"You were," Wufei somehow manages to go from sheet white to bright red and waves in my direction, "and thinking about me?"

"Um, well, both of you and there might have been some hot oil wrestling going on. And some thong skivvies" I'm probably as red as Howie's shirt. The best defense is a good offense. I wave back at him. "Besides, it's all your fault."

Wufei's jaw is dangling open again. "My fault?"

"Have you two ever looked in the mirror? If there's anyone out there better looking, just shoot me now because my heart can't take it."

Heero looks to be getting over his little shock and his arms cross over his chest. That little smirk he gets whenever he puts Zechsy's king into chess is starting to grow on his face.

"What do you expect us mere mortals to do when you prance around here half naked in the morning and do your forms all hot and sweaty? Huh?" I'm on a roll now and Wufei is starting to turn interesting colors. And he's staring at my dick.

"I do not prance!" He's licking his lips and staring at my dick.

I put on my brightest grin. "Hey, why don't you drop the jacket and walk around in here and we can decide if it's a prance for reals."

Wufei gives me the sexy, smug, sexy, annoying, sexy as hell smirk even though he's still a bit on the red side. "I think you should prance around instead." He points at Junior. "We've apparently been entertaining you all afternoon. It's time to return the favor."

Heero's smirk makes it all the way to shit-eating, I just kicked your butt, nyah, nyah, nyah.