Self Defense AKA Mace and a Fly Swatter

Author’s Note: This is
shameless advertising, but I have written 18,000 words for my class=SpellE>nanowrimo project which I have posted at

href="http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600095564">http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600095564

pleasestyle='font-size:16.0pt'> read and review, at this point in the process I need
praise in order to kick my ass in gear. I should have been at 30,000 at least
by now, but I’ve had a lot going on in the real world. Plus, I discovered today
that I have pneumonia and it is really hard to type when you’re coughing your
lungs out of your throat. I hate being sick ><

anywaystyle='font-size:16.0pt'>, this little fic is
dedicated to my friend Angie who helped me work through it. It is a strange
little thing and I have never attempted anything like it since. I’m not very
good with humor, I generally prefer to write angsty
stuff, but I enjoyed writing this. Basically, it happened in gym class my sophomore
year of high school. We had a choice between flag football and self defense.
Being girls with a hatred of football and no concept of how to play, we
naturally chose self defense; though it wasn’t exactly a better choice. After
listening to our annoying gym teacher drone on and on and having to fill out
fifty worksheets of do’s and don’ts, Angie and I came up with the idea of
characters from our three favorite series (ah my goddess, scar tissue, and class=SpellE>gundam wing) teaching each other self defense. It made no
sense then and makes less sense now, but I still find it amusing. As this is a
sort of ‘instructing’ fic, you don’t need any
knowledge of the other two anime to understand it, it’s just all in good fun,
especially if you’re like me and you had to sit through ridiculous crap like
this.

Title: Self Defense (AKA Mace
and a Fly Swatter)

Warnings: language, bashing
of certain characters, random humor, cross over of series, implied class=SpellE>yaoi, het, and incest (if you
know Scar Tissue), and a little bit of cartoon violence, maybe OOC (actually,
definite is a better word), short little one shot.

Pairings: just little
mentions of various pairings you would see in fandoms
of all of these animes.

Twenty-one people stand in a
blank room. They are, of course, our sixteen ethereals
plus the five Gundam Pilots. The audience feels a
sense of foreboding.

Shi: Hi! We’re all here class=SpellE>ta teach y’all ‘bout… drum roll,
please!

Kit and Hi (with blank
stares): Dunanananana….

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: ^^ self-defense

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Hey! I thought that this was the bathroom?!

Shi: Tough luck, class=SpellE>Poofy Pants, anyhoo…

Shinigamistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Hopefully, with these techniques, you will be able
to beat the fuckin’ shit out of you attackerstyle='mso-tab-count:2'>               

Shi: Oi!
I’m talking here!

Yuri: Um, Shini,
the point isn’t to hurt people

Shinigamistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: *grumble* What’s the point
of learning self defense if you can’t use it offensively?

Itamistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Shini…

Shinigamistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Grr, whatever

Peorthstyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: *cough* Now, the three things everyone should
follow-

Skuldstyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: AAA!

Heero: Alcoholics Anonymous class=SpellE>Anonymous?

Yuki: Um… no…

Urdstyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Abusive Alcoholics Anonymous?

Quatre: No

Duo: Abusive Anime-class=SpellE>aholics Attack?

All sans Duo: NO!

Peorthstyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: I sense a reoccurring theme here

Blaikestyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: I believe it’s-

Hildstyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Awareness

Ling: Assessment

Sumirestyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Action

Belldandystyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Duo and Wufei will
demonstrate the following tatics of self-defense

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Huh?!

Trowastyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Duo will be the victim and Wufei
will be the offender

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: WHAT?! I am not an active participant in this! I
refuse!

Duo: *getting into a fighting
stance* C’mon, Wu-man! Mug me!

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: *sputter*

Shi: Lesson one!

Kit: How to

Hi: Correctly punch

Together: Your assailant

Shinigamistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: *snicker* Notice exhibit A

*spotlight mysteriously turns
on, shining on Relena

Blaikestyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Wait a minute… I thought Wufei
and Duo were doing this demonstration?

Shi: Um, er,
well, ya see… Duo’s got a mean right hook *mutter* I speak from experience… and Wu-man’s not
that much of an ass… besides, it’s the perfect opportunity to use her.

Relenastyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: What am I doing here?! Let me go this instant!

Shi: See?

Blaikestyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Ah

Relenastyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Duo, you filthy rat! I know this is your entire
fault! You blah blah blah class=SpellE>blah!

Duo: *cracks knuckles* Oh, I
am gonna enjoy this!

Relenastyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: W-what are you…

*SMACK*

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: *ahem* as Duo has demonstrated, the correct way to
form a fist is to not tuck in your thumb as this can result in breaking it on
impact. Also, do not hit in the face, but in the stomach. This is more
effective when trying to escape

Relenastyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: @.@ *is lying on floor, unconscious,
clutching her stomach x.x

Yuki: *snaps fingers and
several chibi snow spirits drag Relena’s
limp body away*

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Next—

Yuri: How to use your keys
against a rapist-

Duo: O.O Eep!
*curls into a ball sobbing, having fanfiction
flashbacks*

Shi: Aww!
Chibi! Kawaii! *cuddles
him*

Duo: Waaah!
*whacks him into space with a kitchen sink he pulled out of braid space™*

Yuri and Sumire:
Ummm…

Hi: Unconventional

Kit: But effective

Heero: *cuddles Duo*

Duo: ^^ prrr…

Shi: *back from Saturn*
Sniff. Not fair

Caroline: *appears out of
nowhere and cuddles Shi* Honey! It’s ok! I’m here!

Shi: *hits her with a frying
pan and sends her flying into the sky* Grr, class=SpellE>on’na. Oi, Shini,
do we need to cover stalkers?

Shinigamistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: *looks at clipboard* Yep

Shi: Damn, looks like we’ll class=GramE>be needing her…

Relenastyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: HEEEEEERO!

*SMACK*

Duo: *stretches* felt even
better a second time

Ling: Um, I think we’ll be
skipping the stalker bit

Shi and Duo and Heero: class=SpellE>Awww

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Anyway… now Duo will demonstrate a reverse punch on class=SpellE>Wufei since Relena has been… um…
disposed of. Duo, try not to hit him too hard, ok?

Urdstyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Yeah, we need him for later.

Duo: kay!

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Maxwell…

Kit: Make like a mugger, class=SpellE>Wuffles

Skuldstyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: -.- Coming from him, that’s
kinda creepy

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: *grabs Duo’s shoulder*

Duo: *spins around and sends
a solid under kick to Wufei’s groin*

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: O.O

Shinigamistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: >.< Ouch. That’s gotta
hurt…

Shi: *laughing* and once
again, the kid proves that there is always a better way of doing things!

Sumirestyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: And the lesson here is: you don’t need to know
karate if you know anatomy

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: *wheezing* Can I go now?

Shi: ^^ nope

Duo: *pokes at the clipboard*
‘Imposing size’?

Shi: Looks like you fail in
that section!

Duo: *sniff* I’m short…

Shi: *pats him on the head* class=SpellE>aww, you’re not short, you’re compact!

Kit: Oh, I’m sure that makes
him feel much better!

Duo: Actually, it does

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: This list rates inventory of skills and strengths of
self. Let’s see… ability to project a vigilant and un-victim-like persona

Shi: Once again, Duo fails

Duo: Shut up!

Shinigamistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Too true, he’s just so rape-able

Duo: Sniff

Hi: *reading* capacity for
verbal assertiveness

Yuki: Is that, like, the
ability to curse your attacker’s ear off or something?

Kit: If so, Shi passes with
flying colors

Shi: Woohoo!
#@*$ Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep *censor* *censor*
*censor*

Quatre: O.O

Trowastyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: *covering Quatre’s ears*

Skuldstyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Lalalalalalalala

Peorthstyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: >.> You actually kiss your boyfriend with that
mouth?!

Shi: *grin*

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Okkkkk… capacity for aggressive
physical action

Shi: We can skip that.
Everyone here is plenty capable of ‘aggressive physical action’ AKA stabbing
someone

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Do you walk assertively?

Shi: ‘walk assertively’? What
the hell is that?!

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: I honestly have no idea. Do you walk on the outside
of a sidewalk, away from doorways and shrubs?

Duo: Hee,
hee, shrubs

Shi: But we don’t style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>have sidewalks

All: Oh, yeah…

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Do you have solid dead bolt locks on your doors?

Heero: Now that’s just being
paranoid. Not everyone is out to get you

Duo: Says Mr. Conspiracy

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: do you have effective locks or bar braces on your
sliding doors and windows?

Shi: They’re style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>glass. Locks are kinda
pointless.

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Do you keep one of these by your bed: flashlight,
whistle, or shriek alarm?

Shi: Heero does

Heero: I don’t have a shriek
alarm

Shi: What do you call Duo,
then?

Duo: >.> What are you
getting at?

Shi: All you need to do is
yank his braid!

Duo: Hands off the hair! And
I don’t shriek

Yuri: Children! Behave!

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Do you check the back seat of your car before
getting in?

All: No!

Shi: In this household, that
could be hazardous to your health

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Goddamn hentais

Duo: You’re just saying that
because you never learn to knock!

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: You don’t know on car doors!

Duo: Well, you should!

Skuldstyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: #>.>#

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Ok, going on… last lesson, how to throw off an
attacker that is attacking from behind

Shi: No perverted thoughts

Shinigamistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Hentai

Shi: Oi!
I’m warning them not to think about
it!

Kit: Which
means that you did

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: *ahem*

Kit and Shinigami
and Shi: meep

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: Duo, if you would be so kind?

*Wufei
grabs Duo around his stomach in what looks to be the Heimlich class=GramE>Maneuver. Duo, instead of just using the method to get him
away from him, elbows Wufei in the stomach, flips him
over his shoulder, and steps on him*

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: O.O Oof!

Shi: They style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>should call this exercise: how to tell
someone you’re not chocking!

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: *sigh* this was pointless

Duo: Are we done, now?

Shi: *pats Duo on the head*
yep! Good boy! *gives him a cookie*

Duo: *with cookie, climbs up
Heero like a koala* ^^V

Wufeistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: X.X I still have to go to the bathroom…

Inochistyle='font-size:16.0pt'>: And this concludes yet another pointless class=SpellE>Shii-chan tutorial production *sighs*

The End