Must be the Hormones

~Must be the hormones~

“I didn’t mean to do it! I couldn’t HELP it!”

Ed looks around the room at the others to see if it was only his jaw that was scraping the floor. Colonel Roy Mustang was sitting behind his desk crying – no, he was bawling like a five year old girl. Real, open-mouthed bawling complete with hand wringing and everything.

And Ed wasn’t the only one shocked by the Colonel’s behavior… Maes Hughes and Jean Havoc were looking as dumbfounded as Ed felt. The only one who didn’t seem surprised in the least was Sho Tucker. But then again the man was bizarre himself so…

“It w-wasn’t my FAULT!” Roy sobs with enough drama to rival that of any teenage girl. His hands flutter to his face, wiping the tears away frantically. “Oh I must look a mess!”

Ed forces himself to close his mouth. Ok, so the Colonel had finally snapped. It wasn’t like Ed hadn’t been expecting it. He knew Roy probably better than any of these other men. He’d been sleeping with the man after all. If anyone was qualified to help Roy through whatever THIS was, it was him.

“Colonel, what’s wrong?” Ed asks coming to sit on the edge of Roy’s desk. “You know you can talk to me. Why didn’t you come to me?” He puts a hand on Roy’s shoulder and gives him a meaningful look.

“Oh Ed you’re so SWEET!” Roy sniffles. He whips out a small pink mirror from his desk and peers into it. “I look HORRIBLE! My eyes are all puffy!”

“Er… You look fine” Ed says snatching the disturbingly girly compact from the Colonel’s hands. He stares at it for a moment, his mouth dropping open again when he realizes it’s decorated with tiny Hello Kitty heads. The Colonel had a Hello Kitty compact??

“Fine?” Roy yelps, his voice rising shrilly.

“Pretty! You’re pretty!” Ed says quickly. This was so, so wrong. But the truth was, Ed DID think Roy was pretty. He was dead sexy in fact. Ed loved to look at his face when he was fucking him…

“Oh Edward.” Roy sighs, blushing like a freaking school girl. “You think I’m pretty?”

“Um, yeah” Ed mumbles turning three shades of red. Havoc snickers at him as he lights another cigarette.

“You shut UP” Ed roars pointing at the blonde.

“I didn’t say anything!” Havoc protests innocently.

“Stop it you two.” Maes orders. “Sit down, Ed.”

“But Lieutenant Colonel-“

“That’s an order” Ed sits down and glares at Hughes. The man obviously didn’t realize the relationship he had with Roy. If he did he’d know that Ed was the only one that Roy trusted enough to talk to.

“Now, Roy” Maes’ voice is soft as he leans towards the Colonel. He holds out his hand and Roy takes it. “Why don’t you tell me what this is all about, honey.”

Honey? Son of a bitch! Maes Hughes needed to keep his hands off of Ed’s boyfriend. Ed clenches his fists and fumes silently. He’s so busy fuming he nearly misses what Roy says. In fact he knew he heard it wrong.

“What did you say Colonel?” Ed asks. “I missed it. For a second I thought you said –“

“I’m pregnant”

“That. I thought you said THAT” Ed squeals jumping out of his chair. “Are you joking Colonel Bastard?? Is that what this is? Getting your rocks off by fucking with us??”

“He’s not joking” Sho Tucker whispers, stepping forward. “Colonel Mustang stepped into the middle of an experiment of mine at a very unfortunate time.”

“What is he talking about Roy?” Maes asks, his handsome face suddenly looking very pale.

“I knew there was something going on in the lower labs.” Roy sniffles pitifully. “The Fuhrer sent m-me to investigate and- and-“

“The Colonel walked in to my labs and caused a disturbance.” Sho Tucker says. “My guards took him to be the test subject. I had no idea it was Colonel Mustang on the table when I performed the transmutation.”

“What transmutation?” Maes growls grabbing a handful of the alchemist’s shirt. “Tell me what the hell you did to him right now or so help me I’ll gut you!”

“No need to be violent, Lieutenant Colonel” Sho hisses. “It’s simple really. I was trying to create a pure race of alchemists. One so strong that they would be considered the ultimate weapon. This involved the breeding of two high-functioning alchemists. But certain adjustments had to be made in order to ensure a hospitable pregnancy for such a volatile fetus.”

“You made the Colonel a GIRL??” Ed yells stomping his feet. “I don’t want him to be a girl!” He had no damn interest in girls or breasts or vaginas. He liked man flesh damn it! And now stupid Sho Tucker went and ruined the first sex toy he’d ever had!

“I did not” Sho says indignantly. “I did far more than simply change his sex! Colonel Mustang is still very much a male. He just happens to now have certain female organs inside of him that have enabled him to conceive a child.”

“I’m going to KILL YOU DEAD” Ed screeches lunging for the bizarre man’s throat.

“Ed don’t!” Roy wails. “Stop! Maes DO something!”

Maes catches Ed easily and carries him kicking and screaming back to his chair. “Edward don’t move from that chair”

“Oh this is just terrible!” Roy bursts into tears again, his hands fluttering in front of his face. “What am I going to do? I’m going to get FAT and my ankles will swell!”

“Aw, honey don’t cry” Maes hurries over to the sobbing man and puts his arm around him. He tenderly dabs at Roy’s eyes with his handkerchief. Ed seethes in his chair- that should be HIM comforting Roy! It was his baby after all!

“That’s my baby you’re carrying.” Maes grins proudly. “I’ll take good care of you both.”

“W-WHAT??” Ed roars. “What do you mean YOUR baby?”

“Who else could have gotten Roy pregnant?” Maes asks incredulously. “I’m the one sleeping with him”

“That’s MY baby” Ed screeches. “Mine! He’s my boyfriend-“

“Roy??” Maes whirls around to stare at the Colonel. The very hysterical, bawling Colonel… “Have you been sleeping with FullMetal?”

“I couldn’t HELP it!” Roy cries. “It wasn’t my f-fault-“

“You were cheating on me?” Ed rages, stomping his booted foot. “With HIM?” He glares pissily at Hughes who is still staring hurtly at Roy.

“You went out on me” Maes’s groan is laden with angst. “Whyyyyyy Roy??”

Ed rolls his eyes and gives Havoc a disgusted look. But Havoc doesn’t notice, he’s too busy wiping the sweat from his brow.

“Havoc?” Ed pokes at him. The blonde doesn’t seem to hear him at all. He rises to his feet and walks shakily to the Colonel’s desk.

“Sir? Sir, um…” The Second Lieutenant pauses to light yet another cigarette with a shaky hand. “Sir, I just want you to know that if – if the baby is mine I- I intend to do right by you.”

“WHAT??” Ed and Maes yelp looking from Havoc to Roy and then at each other.

“You fucked HAVOC??” Maes explodes, his angst turning quickly to anger.

“CHEATER!” Ed points a finger at Roy making him cry harder.

“Havoc?” Maes steps menacingly towards the hapless blonde. “What the fuck?”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen, I swear!” Havoc backs away from Maes. “But – but Colonel Mustang he- he was – he needed – er… HE LOOKED HOT OK?” The man blurts nervously.

“What. Do. You. Mean.” Maes backs the Second Lieutenant up against the wall, the veins on his forehead pulsing.

“I – um he had this- these panties on and-“

“BLUE PANTIES!” Ed jumps up and down like a winner of a game show.

“Yeah” Havoc says looking oddly at the Colonel. Roy was sobbing into the handkerchief, bawling about how mean everyone was being to a poor pregnant man.

“Did it have flames on the butt?” Maes asks glaring at Roy.

“Yes!” Havoc wails. “Blue with flames on the butt! I didn’t have a chance-“

“And a transmutation circle on the crotch” All eyes turn to the door as Zolf Kimblee strides into the office. “Sorry I’m late, Colonel. If I’d known it was bring-your-lovers-to-work day I would have dressed up.”

“No..” Ed gasps shaking his head. “No fucking WAY.”

“Aw, DAMN Colonel!” Havoc groans. “You fucked Kimblee too?”

“Actually I fucked him, but it doesn’t matter.” Kimblee smirks. He lounges on the corner of the Colonel’s desk and pats his head. “Come now, it can’t be that bad can it my little blow-torch?”

“Oh it’s THAT bad” Ed says after recovering his voice. He’d been paralyzed with fright after imagining Kimblee and Roy together. He shudders. Oh the horror of it.

“I’m p-pregnant! Waaaaaaaaaah!” Roy wails clinging onto the Crimson Alchemist.

“What the fuck!” Kimblee chokes scrambling away from Roy. He flattens himself against the wall, staying as far away from the Colonel as possible. “Tucker! You didn’t tell me you were using Flame as a subject! You FUCKER-“

“It happened quite by accident” Sho Tucker whispers, watching the drama unfold with obvious amusement. “Besides we wanted a product from two alchemists so I felt it best to encourage your coupling.”

“Encourage?” Kimblee looks sick.

“Who do you think bought him the panties?”

“Y-YOU?” Roy cries. “I thought- I thought they were a gift from-“

“Me?”

“ENVY get the fuck out of here!” Maes roars stepping in front of the long-haired teen as he saunters up to Roy.

“Yes” Roy admits with a whimper. He slides down in his chair hoping to disappear.

“Believe me baby, if I were to buy you lingerie it would involve lots of leather and chains.” Envy rasps with an evil grin. “Maybe a tiny bit of lace.”

Roy giggles – yes GIGGLES- and hides his face in his hands. “Oh Envy you’re sooo bad!”

“Oh HELL no” Ed screams transforming his auto mail into a dagger. This was going too far. He points it at Envy. “You, are DEAD.”

“Idiot” Envy scoffs tracing a finger over Roy’s full lips. “Duh. Stab me all you want, see if I even flinch.” He turns back to Roy, smiling at the blushing man. “You turned on baby?”

“Yea” The Colonel murmurs. Roy licks the tip of the Homunculus’s finger and then draws it into his mouth.

“Why don’t we go somewhere less…” He looks around with a sneer. “Militant. Then I can-“ He leans over and whispers in the Colonel’s ear, making the man squeal and blush.

“Oooooooh, yes!” Roy claps his hand, momentarily forgetting the other five men in the room. “Or should I say, ‘Yes big-Daddy sir!’”

“ENOUGH!” Kimblee screeches, clamping his hands over his ears. “GOD please don’t say another word. My ears are burning! Mustang, YOU are a whore! A freaking Jezebel! Whore of Babylon!”

“DON’T talk to the mother of my baby that way” Maes growls shoving Kimblee.

“Wha- mother of what? And who the fuck is Babylon?” Envy flicks Roy on the forehead. “Why Colonel, I knew you were easy but you’re a little slut aren’t you?”

“I can’t h-help it!” Roy protests rubbing his forehead. “And don’t DO that!”

“Envy I’m warning you” Maes puts a large hand around the teenager’s throat squeezing just so. “DON’T speak to him like that”

“Shouldn’t you be home fucking your WIFE Lieutenant Colonel?” Envy bats his hand away.

“Shut UP.”

“Hughes let him go” Frank Archer grins upon seeing the scene before him. It was worse than he thought. He knew this meeting was going to be entertaining but he had no idea it would be so… Well attended.

“For the love of Dante tell me you didn’t fuck HIM too” Ed groans, looking decidedly ill.

“I didn’t!” Roy cries looking injured. “I’d never have sex with Archer! What do you think I am, Ed??” He is so wrapped up in his histrionics that he completely misses the look of disbelief on the men’s faces.

“I think we’ve already established what you are, princess” Archer snickers. “And I have to say even I am shocked at what a whore you are, Mustang”

“You’re just jealous because he wouldn’t fuck YOU.” Havoc says, puffing up with pride.

“What’s wrong with fucking Archer?” Kimblee asks indignantly. “Don’t knock it till you try it.”

“Nani?” Roy yelps jumping to his feet. “You CHEATED on me with – with HIM??” He points at Archer, who merely smirks.

“Cheated on YOU?” Kimblee roars incredulously. “You’ve been screwing the entire military and you accuse ME of cheating?”

“I hate you!” Roy bawls into his handkerchief.

“Now, now” Envy purrs sliding a thin arm around the colonel’s waist. “You cannot blame my flame thrower. It’s not his fault he’s been running around like a bitch in heat.”

The teen throws a dark look at Sho Tucker. “That would be HIS fault. What kind of shit have you been slipping him?”

“Yeah Tucker,” Ed growls pounding his auto mail against the desk. “You better tell us right now what caused this.”

“I second that” Maes says threateningly. “Fess up, Tucker. It took me MONTHS of sweet talking and candlelight dinners to get in his pants so I know you had to have given him something”

“Wow,” Kimblee snickers. “all I had to do was give him a cigarette and bam, he was in my bed. Too bad you don’t have my sexual magnetism, Hughes.”

“I didn’t even do that” Envy cackles proudly. “The Colonel here came to me begging for it.” He pauses to nibble at Roy’s ear. “Didn’t you baby?”

“Shut up BOTH of you” Maes yelps. He turns to Roy, pointing a finger at the now cowering brunette. “You better not be smoking anymore.”

“I won’t” Roy pouts. “You don’t have to yell at me!”

“Now I want to know what the hell you’ve been giving him!” Maes demands backing Sho Tucker up against the wall.

“I dislike being the bearer of bad news” Sho says hesitantly. “However, Colonel Mustang’s um… behavior began far before any test drugs were put into his system.”

“Wha- what?” Maes stammers, his handsome face turning flush. “Before? You mean he- he-“

“He was spreading his legs for anyone with a cock all on his own” Envy crows with delight. He leans over and nips at Roy’s lips making the man giggle- again. “What a dirty little whore you are Colonel!”

“Get- get away from him” Havoc yelps having finally escaped his catatonic state. “You’re not even real! He’s pregnant! Who knows what you’ll do to him!”

“I can tell you what I’ll do to him” Envy snickers stroking under Roy’s chin in a way that makes the colonel squirm. “I’ll tie him over the desk, face down and spank him till he comes then I’ll stick my tongue-“

“OK THAT’S ENOUGH!” Maes roars. He grabs Envy by the hair and tosses him out of the way.

“Hey!” Roy whines forlornly. “I wanted to hear more!”

“I’m taking YOU home” Maes says from between clenched teeth. “Now.”

“But Maes-“

“I said NOW” Maes picks the protesting Colonel up and slings him over his broad shoulder. He keeps a large hand on the brunette’s ass, squeezing him harder than necessary.

“Do not handle him roughly” Tucker pleads. “You’ll jeopardize the experiment!”

“Wait!” Ed yelps as Maes strides out of the room. “You’re not taking him anywhere without me, you bastard!”

“Or me!” Havoc says hurrying to catch up to them.

“What the hell” Envy shrugs looking at Kimblee. “I’d pay good money to watch FullMetal and Hughes bitch slap each other. Looks like I might get to see it for free. Wanna come?”

“Beats staying here” Kimblee sighs. “Besides, the Colonel is one hell of a lay. I wouldn’t want to miss out on another of his midnight cock cravings now would I?”

The door slams shut. Frank Archer and Sho Tucker look at one another in shocked silence.

“This isn’t turning out how I’d hoped” Archer says quietly. “Not one bit.”

“Nope”

“Is that all you can say, Tucker?” Archer asks sarcastically. “Nope?”

“What shall I say instead?” Sho ponders with a look of disdain. “I’m sorry our test subject is a horny slut? I’m sorry he decided to allow the entire military to fuck him senseless?”

“Ok, ok” Frank holds his hands up in defeat. “I see your point. There was no predicting this outcome.”

“I told you it would be wise to keep him contained.”

“Yeah like nobody would question where their sex toy was if we locked him up!” Frank scoffs grabbing his coat. “Too suspicious, I told you that.”

“Where are you going?”

“Someone’s got to keep them from killing each other” Frank says wearily. “Mustang’s like a fucking damsel in distress, they’ll be shooting each other to get the chance to play white knight for him. It’ll be a clip toss to see who gets to fuck him first.”

“Oh no!” Sho Tucker shrieks rushing to follow. “NO! Nobody is to penetrate him! It will jeopardize the experiment!”

“YOU can be the one to tell them that” Archer smirks. “But one word of advice, Tucker. You better arm yourself first…”