I love you
I love you
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An AU Poem from Duo’s point of view
1x2, evil Relena
Original: I Love You (a tale of
love and existence from a boy with a dissociative
disorder)
Look across the straits
Ocean caressing the shore
And here comes the rain
Hitting the sea, unnoticed
A grey sky
No life on this lonely beach
A gray morning
Oh, if I only could touch the sky
Black clouds in mourning
Of something no one can tell
Waves no longer caressing, but slamming
Claiming bits of the cliff I am standing on as its own
Sand turns to mud
And grass is slick with the raindrops
Heavens’ tears
In a place called home
Looking over this cliff
To the drowning sea below
I sit there, not moving
Feeling the rain smooth over my
Chilled skin
No one is here in the lonely place called home
No one but the rain
The clouds
And the sea
Why can people not see
The vulnerability in me?
I want to be free…
You will never truly know me
And even if you could
I am sure you would
Desert me then, no?
And yet, and yet
I wish to fly
Into that dark, painful sky
The fey in me wants to soar…
So before you close that door
Please, I beg
Just think, just think
What was all the lies for?
As the tears flow
And my soul loses whatever glow
I had possessed before
Before you run away
I just wish for a day
Yeah, you will never truly know me
You never really tried
And as I cried
You asked me why
Could even you not see
This horrible vulnerability?
I split open my veins for you
Yet you still can not see what is true…
That I have always loved you
Though my shield, my mask
Covers these truths…
Yeah, you never tried
Instead found it easier to lie
If I told you
Would you leave
While I sit here and grieve?
Or stay
While I lay
Slowly dying
From my insides?
I am too scared
For my heart is bared
I wonder if you ever truly cared
I sink down
You never desired to see
The death in me
Or was that another conceit?
I open the door
And wish forever more
That you could see
The vulnerability in me
It’s cold in here
The wind is howling like a great, black wolf
The planks creak loudly
The noise of rot makes me nervous
There is a carcass of a rat in the left corner of the room
I ate as much meat off it was I could
I’m afraid to throw it away
Lest the vultures come for me as well
The dust clogs my throat
Choking me
The sounds of the night keep me awake
A scream, a car alarm, cursing, screeching
Pain
Misery
Things I will never escape
It’s so cold
Someone broke the windows
The wind invades
My stomach growls but my hunger for love is more deafening
The rats are my only companions
Only they see my tears
I wish to forget there things, for only a second
If I could… I would be free
The cold chills my bones
But it is the hunger that kills
The vultures always descend
There is nothing here
And this is what scares me
Dust, golden remains of shattered dreams
All is forgotten, but not by me
‘Cause I remember everyone that leaves
The darkness is settling in the edges of my reality
All is over and past
I can no longer see what I had once tried to grasp
I’m alone even as people surround me
Time passes along, leaving me in this place
People speak, but I am met with only silence
Even the brightest light is pale
I can’t see any life here, not even my own
Desolation lingers amongst the shadows
Happiness has deserted me only to be replaced by black crows
Fluttering on to the dust-covered rafters
And I find myself longing for something to last through the
night
Grasping for the remains of a golden-shattered dream
I sit here in an empty place
Others pass me by
I am grasping for something that only I can see
No one ever thinks to tell me
That there is nothing there
But they don’t know
What really lies beyond stained windows
I am the only one who remembers
All that leaves…
I love you
Though it something I can never admit
It’s a cruel secret
Life’s cruelest promises
Not because I know I’ll never be able to say it
Not because I know you will never accept it
Because I’ve spent my life drowning out the feelings
Only to fall so hard at the sight of
Bright blue eyes
I don’t need such promises as
I love you
I’ll always be with you
Such things, are all so useless
We all die just the same
We all suffer
There is no peace, no pleasure, only pain
All I need is this blade in my hand
Curled up, shining, between my pale
Slim fingertips
I shiver, I shudder
But the blood will soothe all my chills and aches
The cut of love, the cut of steel
It’s the exact same pain
Only, this I can control
But love controls me
So I drown it out in this way
It’s a pain called love
No one needs love
Not me, not you, not she
I don’t need it
For I can lie to myself
If I lie, does love still exist, can I push it down?
Or does it lie there still, dormant?
If I lie to myself that there is no love
Is that the same lie as saying
I have control?
It doesn’t matter
It kills my heart the same way
Who is that boy in the mirror?
The one with the hollow eyes and emaciated shoulders
The one with 256 scars on each arm, but let’s not forget
The thighs
Who is that boy in the mirror?
The one with no hope in flat irises
The one with skin of pale, it seemed lifeless
Who is that boy in the mirror?
It can’t be me
I’m not crazy
He smiles at me, but it is an empty smile
Devoid of life
Who is that boy in the mirror?
It isn’t me, this I know
If it were me, why would he be smiling?
I have nothing to smile about
I’m not crazy, I’m not
I don’t care if these razors are soaked in blood
I am not stuck in there, hidden behind glass
He’s the crazy one
He’s the one who picks up the razor and caresses snowy
Skin with its blade, leaving pouring crimson trails
In its wake
Who is that boy in the mirror?
It’s not me
‘Cause I don’t exist
I smash the mirror
He isn’t smiling anymore
He walked through the crowded streets
Alone
Un-noticed
No one whispered at his ragged appearance
No one laughed and gawked as they used to
They walked on unseeing
And he wished they would
Though their words stung and burned and cut
It was much better than the lonely ache of nothingness
He wished his arms were a bit longer
So that he could cut the strings holding him
And see the one above
The one controlling his every step
The one controlling every thought
He wished to be away
To be anywhere but there
He wished for lots of things
He wished too long
And he wished too hard
And then he was…
Gone
No one blinked an eye
No one shed a tear
They didn’t even notice
That that odd boy had disappeared
For who would know an absence
Of a stray shadow
Across the darkness?
Only you can take my pain away
Steal away my broken heart, please
Before it kills me anymore
Won’t you at least pretend you see me?
Won’t you try to take me away?
I want to die in your arms
But I know I will die all alone
I want to fall asleep to the sound of your voice
Rocking me gently
But, you just sit there and mock me
You only have eyes for her
Won’t you smile for me, just once?
Just once before I perish into the
darkness?
If I die tonight, will you care?
Will you sing to me as I cease to exist?
If I survive, I will speak my heart
If you toss me to the side, so be it
I’ll die satisfied that you know
If you use me, I won’t care
As long as you stay ‘til the first rays of light
It’ll give my soul some different pain
Which is just enough
I love you
So, what do you say?
Will you use me?
Or abandon me?
Will you lie and cheat just to spite?
Or drive the rusting knife deeper and deeper
Into my heart?
Tonight
Tonight, I will speak
No longer will this silence lead me
And I love you so
So please…
… let me stay
A pill and a drink
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Darkness slowly ascends
I want to own this darkness
This rapturous death
These forty little pills are the murderers, not I
Or is it you who is killing me?
I want this death, this murder, to be my own
Belonging to none but my own dark soul
Before I took the first, I sat and wondered
Why did this skin have to cover the pain?
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
I want to feel myself pouring onto to the floor
I almost remember smiling
When I was so naïve
And even then it was short-lived
As the door shut closed and tight
My heart finally knew
As you walked down the red carpet
These eyes that had cried
Were dry and barren
But as I gazed at that orange bottle
A new happiness was born
of a freedom
Which had been so far out of reach
Beyond that door
I wished so hard that they’d stop over
But I was left behind
As a not-even lingering thought
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
I was so lonely
As I went to sleep
I prayed that I would not open my eyes the next morning
I hoped for
Even a small ‘hi’ from you or them
Nothing came
but those blessed pills
31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
The darkness is descending
Though we had shared blood and pain
I was merely
An unwanted specter
You would never again utter my name
I need to discard this anguish
I want this death to be only my own
A cut, a slash, my skin is like baby fat
And from them flows a crimson life
The knife drops with a clang
The elation
what occurred between us
Was more worthless than this filthy blood
If you had realized
The only true happiness with me now
I thank to the steel
And those forty little pills
my soul floats into the dark
descent
The door slams
And I think
Death truly was
The only love to keep me
In an eternal, beautiful sleep
Drip drip drip
The noises break through
The twilight darkness
Drip drip drip
The ocean is haunted
She stands over my limp, bleeding corpse
A jagged shard of mirror, clutched in her
Boney hand
She grins at me
Her smile deep and wide
Like she has a private joke in her head
And is trying not to laugh
Her light brown hair curled in deep rivulets
Her olive eyes glow in the dim bathroom
Shadows squirm like writhing maggots in the mirror glass
My skin pulses with the squirming of parasites
She lifts the sharp glass
And slashes open her pale cheek
Hundreds of phiduppus
Erupt from the wound
To crawl over her delicate face
Still she grins
I wonder what that would be like
Such happiness
Centipedes begin to escape from the white tiles of the walls
Spreading out in great red arcs
Along the floor to slither over my toes
The woman (mommy)
Brings up the shard again and
Starts to cut along her hair line
And still the spiders emerge
When she is done
She grabs at her face with nails
Longer than I remember
And peels the skin off like paper off an adhesive
Leaving only red upon redredredredredredredred
She curls up the ghastly skin, spiders and all
Like a dripping tortilla
And stuffs it into her gaping mouth
Lined with shrapnel blades
And chews on it like old jerky
Her grinning lips
Like a clown’s
All huge and glowing red
The dogs with jaws of metal move around me
As skinless crows land on her shoulders
Her blood pools and mingles with mine
On the floor
Clay-like flesh wraps around the wires tightening around my
throat
And now
Downinthedarkdowninthedarkdowninthedark
He looks at me
A strange smile on his face
His happiness tears at me
Does that mean I am selfish?
//All humans are selfish//
His blue eyes, framed by his chocolate hair
Glint in the dark
He is here with me
No, he is there with her
His sweet, sweet princess, holding her perfect hands
No, he is here with me, in the dark, he is right here
His fingers trail down my bare arm
So lightly
Fingers with hooks
That tear open my skin
Exposing the worms for him to see
But he does not take his hand back
He’s the one that lives in my head, in my dreams
He is the parasite beneath my flesh
As the hooks move down and down
I am happy
Happyhappyhappyhappysoveryhappy
The spiders crawl over my eyes until I am blinded
The last thing I see before I float
down the stream are
His eyes, great sapphires
In my mind
Redhappinessinthedark
SCREAMINGSCREAMINGSCREAMING
I hear his voice
Calling for me
In the dark
It’s endgame, now
Endgame, endgame
But still, in gentle grip
He opens his eyes
To white, white, white
To meet confused blue
He thrusts the rusted sword all the way into his chest
Aish’teru
Don’t you know
Today is
The endgame for all lovers
Aozora no Namida
Blue Tears
Nai aozora
no namida
No blue tears
Not today
Endgame on a Friday
But you forgot didn’t you?
This isn’t a fucking fairytale
And if it were
He’s grown up on Japanese fairytales
And his only purpose is to save the princess
Don’t you know?
In the real fairytales, the ones that really count
There is no happily ever after
There is just after
It’s an endgame
But that doesn’t mean that everything is gone
It’s endgame
Now it’s time to hit that restart button
The mirror is smashed
The mirror is replaced
Heero’s POV
The day I met him, there was lightning in the sky
My life’s been like that
I grew up on Japanese fairy tales
Where the white knight never marries the princess
He just protects her
And when his duty is done, he disappears from the story
forever
I never even considered what would happen to me
When my fairy tale would end
So, when she called me up
Crying, begging for me to look after her
What choice did I have?
This was my permanent attitude
He was the only one that could make me see
My choices
But, for some reason, I could only see my own pain
Was his so shielded?
Or am I just oblivious?
I was oblivious to his and her feelings
Hell, I was even oblivious to my own
The day I met him, there was lightning in the sky
It sent silver streaks through his chestnut hair
I was supposed to fall in love with the blonde girl
But I was never one to follow rules
We had so much in common
The best of friends
I think that was why it was so easy for me
To fall for him
He knew all the things, all the secrets that she would never
know
I should have realized all the things that went wrong
That day, he said ‘goodbye’ as I left to run to her aid
It sounded so final, yet still I left
The glass from the shattered mirror in the waste basket
Fool me once
The two pill bottles he had picked up that morning on the
dresser
Fool me twice
The dead look in his eye despite his sweet smile
Fool me thrice
Was I really that stupid?
The message on the answering machine
Telling him of the ‘good news’ and warning
him of the invitation in the mail…
I guess I really was oblivious, even she knew of my true
feelings
The door clicking shut
Sounded just as final
I forgot my wallet
Such a stupid mistake
But that’s the story of my life
All these mistakes
Should have told him
how I felt
Shouldn’t have gone to
her
Should have asked him
about the mirror
Shouldn’t have left
him alone
Should’ve been smarter
Should
should
should…
As I stepped into his room, I called out to him
He would know where my wallet is
I thought, he always did know where
the things I lost were
He’s just like that, knowing myself better than I ever did
He doesn’t answer
But the bathroom door is open
And the smell
I notice the empty bottles first as I enter the room
Their labels stand out
White against crimson
20
20
Twenty plus twenty is
forty
Anti-depressants
Take two once a day
The second is the razor
It’s blade thick with rust
Not rust, no not rust
As mechanically as calling a mother
I dial 911
The women’s voice in my ear is just as mechanical
I kneel down, my pants becoming soaked in his blood
Is this what he felt like?
This horrible loneliness?
My tan hand clutches his pale one
The contrast seems terrible
His beautiful violet eyes finally open
Clouded with death
He smiles at me
I finally let the tears fall
“Help coming” I promise him
I should have promised him that weeks
ago
Back when this could have been fixed
Should have
Am I too late?
I’m always too late
Strange, horrific shadows dance in his eyes
I can almost make them out if I stare hard enough…
Ghosts through a forest
He woke up
That one thing repeats in my mind over and over
They say if I had called ten minutes later
He never would have woken up again
My cell phone has twenty messages so far
Each from her
I deleted each and every one without listening
That doesn’t matter anymore
I clutch his hand in mine, the color still bad, but not so
scary
This is all that matters, I can deal with the rest later
Much, much later
Two weeks ago
He told me that life was a fairy tale
If I am the white knight, what does that make him?
Life is a fairy tale
But I grew up on the Japanese ones
And they never tell you what happens when the story ends
Some fairy tales don’t come true
And that is just fine with me