Realisations

Don't ask, I plead insanity, seriously the idea kinda sprang at me and this is my first attempt at not only FMA but first person narration. If it sucks please let me know so I can improve it. I have plans for the next chapter and if I don't get anything up before, I'm on holliday in 2 weeks so lots of time to write. Enjoy and let me know what you think, concrit is always welcome, how else can I improve?!

Realisations

Standing here, I wait for the door to open. What will be said when he sees it’s me? He told me I should never return, that I should forget he existed but I couldn’t. Not knowing him, not talking to him was too much to bear. He gives me strength without realising he’s doing it. I look forward to our arguments, the fire I get from his words. He seemed so pleased to see me when I returned from the other world, he even hugged me repeating over and over ‘I knew you were alive’. I’d felt my heart skip more than one beat but then he changed, became all business and he pushed me away. I’ve been so angry for months about that. Doesn’t he know how hard I fought to close the gate on the other side for good but still manage to get Al and me back safe? I did it for him, though I’ll be damned if I’ll say it to his face. He’d never let me live it down. Al told me he was just being his usual self, that he was doing it for my own good but what does he know anyway? And when did he become so damn smart?

Why are my feet tapping out an erratic rhythm? Where the hell is he? Shouldn’t he be home by now? I had this whole idea planned; he was not going to fuck it up by not being home. I’d finally worked out why he’d pushed me away, he was scared. He knew he cared for me and was frightened of that fact. It was Al who worked it out actually and brought me out of my anger. I mean of course it was Al, I never would have thought of the real reason he pushed me away, not in a million years. It forced me to sit down and think about my own feelings. It came as a bit of a shock when I realised how I felt about ‘him’. I mean, he’s a he, well obviously but when I finally figured it out Al looked at me like I was dense for not realising it sooner. My little brother knew that I liked men before I did. I mean how’s that even possible? Shouldn’t I have known first? He told me he’d figured it out back when we were pursuing Scar, something about my obsession being a little more than professional. He said that Scar had known too but would never have said anything. ‘That’s just how Scar was’ he tells me.

Like Al would know how Scar was. Although they did spend more time together than I would have liked, but Al was in the armour, they couldn’t have… Oh God I did not need those visuals. Whacking myself in the head is doing nothing to remove the unwanted images that have now lodged in my brain. I don’t even wanna blink, every time I do I see Al and Scar in some position or other. Argh why me? Why am I even here? When is the bastard gonna get home?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

That bottle of whiskey at home is looking better and better with every passing moment. This day has been really shitty; come to think of it every day since I sent him away has been really shitty. Hawkeye just keeps giving me work as if it will help, I didn’t even need to tell her she just kind of knew. It’s comforting in a way, knowing that I don’t need to vocalise my feelings and yet creepy at the same time. She knew I liked him before I figured out my anger wasn’t anger. It would have been nice to figure it out on my own but having Hawkeye shout in my face ‘just because you sent away the only person you have ever loved doesn’t mean you can come to work and sulk instead of doing actual work’ seemed to wake me up in a way. Only problem is I can’t exactly call him up and say hey why don’t you come back so we can screw like bunnies ‘cos I think I may kinda love you. He may be a tad upset, then again knowing him he may be a lot upset and that arm looks like it would really hurt.

I have to leave the office at some point so it may as well be now, it’s not like I’m actually going to finish this work, Hawkeye can just kill me in the morning. Oh that breeze is so nice, if I’m lucky I’ll freeze to death and then my mind can stop obsessing about the pipsqueak. Why do I love him? It’s not like I ever asked for it and would it have even happened if he hadn’t gone to the other world? He worked so hard to close the gate but still come home; I hope Winry appreciates what he did for her. I mean it has to be for her, it’s not like he’d do it for anyone else right? Ok walk faster and get to the bottle of whiskey quicker, I’m starting to have bad thoughts that I should not have. Bad thoughts involving a blond and a bed, bad thoughts involving a blond and a bed and maybe some whipped cream… Oh hell not now, why’d you have to get hard now; we’re still two blocks from the house. Couldn’t you wait until we’re in the house and I can relax with a drink and then maybe play with you?

Oh God I’m going nuts, I’m talking to my penis. It’s my own damn fault it’s erect and now I’m chastising it like it can understand me. I really need sex, anything to get these thoughts out of my head. I wonder what Tracey’s doing tonight, or maybe Ellie, then again I don’t really want to be reminded so a blonde might be a bad idea. Francine might be good; I do like a good red head…

Who the hell is waiting for me at this time of night? Don’t tell me I have another stalker ‘cos the last one was enough. I can still remember that red hair as she peered in through the window while I… Ok not Francine. Why does that shape look familiar? Why is my heart beating faster? It can’t be him, he’s still mad at me he’d never come back here unless… No, can’t get my hopes up. It won’t be him, my heart is not hammering in my chest like a traitor, it’s just another stalker from my fan club that’s all.

“Where have you been? Do you know how long I’ve been freezing my butt off out here?”

Then again my traitorous heart could be right!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Oh God why did I say that? He’s never gonna let me in if I snap at him. Ok Ed just remember the speech, tell him what you came to say and then leave, it’s as simple as that.

“What are you doing here Edward?” Oh God that voice, I’ve missed that voice. Its low sound, the way it sends shivers up my spine. Hang on, what was the question? Damn I’ve got to start paying attention.

“What’s with the Edward? Don’t you usually call me Fullmetal?” Oh that’s right, tease him why don’t you.

“You’re no longer in the military Edward, Fullmetal doesn’t apply to you anymore. If you don’t want me to call you Edward what would you prefer? Pipsqueak or Shorty?” Don’t blow up, don’t blow up. He’s only doing it to upset you but you’re better than that. Breathe in, out, in, out. Count to ten and reply.

“Edward’s fine” Ha, finally the mask cracks. He’s amazed that I didn’t scream, I actually managed to make the flame alchemist falter.

“Why are you here Edward?” How do I answer? I can’t tell him what I need to say out here.

“What I can’t come visit an old boss? Is there some law against it or something?” I have to get into that house, I have to force the issue.

“No, but I thought you were still angry at me for pushing you out of the military.”

“I wanted out and you know that. I did what I needed to do and even if you hadn’t pushed me out I would have left anyway.” Hang on, why does he look upset? Did I say something wrong? “Look, can we go inside? I’ve been waiting here for a while now and I’m starting to worry about certain areas of my body.” He’s blushing and did his eyes just look where I think they looked? This could turn out to be a better evening than I thought.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Oh hell now I’m blushing and he knows it. Damn I thought I had more control than this and did he see me look down? It’s not my fault, when did he learn how to sound seductive? Did he mean to sound seductive? Am I just a perverted old man? Probably, ah hell who am I kidding, yes I’m a perverted old man but that’s nothing new.

“Um Colonel?” Oh shit, there was a question, he asked a question, what was it? I have got to stop letting my mind wander to that damn whipped cream. Oh right, can we go in, that was the question. Should I say yes? It might be a really bad idea but he looks frozen and my arms would warm him up so well…bad Roy perverted Roy. You can talk to Ed without letting your mind go to that bad place.

“Sure Edward” just get through the door; you’ll feel happier in the house in more familiar surroundings. Why is he not moving? I’m gonna have to brush by him to unlock the door. Is that his plan? Oh God shivers, nobody has ever made me shiver before how does this little blond pipsqueak do that to me?

He’s in my house, he’s taken his shoes off and he’s sat at my kitchen table. How many dreams did I have of this exact scene? Too many to count, granted most of them had him half naked and eating breakfast after a long night of sex and more sex. Shit, dead puppies, Riza holding a gun to my head, Havoc naked. Wow, it’s never gone down that fast before I’ll have to remember that trick.

“Milk and sugar Edward?”

“Just sugar please, and you can call me Ed you know. Edward seems a little too formal.” Too formal? I’m his boss; well ex-boss, formal is what we do.

“Fine then why don’t you call me Roy” just once call me Roy; I want to hear it come from your mouth in that voice that sends me wild. Of course I want to hear you scream it too but…

“Roy, can I ask you a question?” Do not drool; all he did was say your name.

“Of course Ed”

“Why did you send me away?” Any question but that one.