schedule
January 31, 2010 at 12:00 AM
read the first chapter and, well, i'm surprised i made it through even that much.
you do a good job with description, evoking emotions. looks like you have a real knack for the dark stuff, sadness, tension, possibly even squick.
but you need to clean up the grammar. sentences running into each other left and right. subject confusion every paragraph. this hurts the tempo (it all feels too rushed). i usually can't stand a poorly written story (and, yes, i do think it's poorly written) but you have some real potential, natural talent. i'm convinced that with a bit more work you could have this become something awesome. keep at it. get this thing betaed.
you do a good job with description, evoking emotions. looks like you have a real knack for the dark stuff, sadness, tension, possibly even squick.
but you need to clean up the grammar. sentences running into each other left and right. subject confusion every paragraph. this hurts the tempo (it all feels too rushed). i usually can't stand a poorly written story (and, yes, i do think it's poorly written) but you have some real potential, natural talent. i'm convinced that with a bit more work you could have this become something awesome. keep at it. get this thing betaed.