Pressure of a Blade

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Screw being injured, Trowa needed to get away. He made his way down the hallways and corridors to grab a rations bar from his room. But while he was in there, he made a discovery.

He had seen the floral, floor length curtains in his room, and while his observations of their color and matching accessories had registered throughout his stay, he just noticed the colored silken rope that was used to hold the curtains open if a quest so wished. The rope was short but strong. A quick detour to swipe the cords from his room, Maxwell and Chang’s room and the main sitting area gave him enough combined length for what he wanted.

He made sure his intended path was clear and, as quickly as he was able, made his way to the uppermost level of the palace in search of a panel or a door that electricians and other technicians use to run lines and cables. He wanted to find rafters to hide amongst, to let his head settle after the chess game from hell.

But rafters are hard to find in a palace.

He found a linen closet for the servants to use that had a ceiling panel as an entrance to the upper structures of Sanc Palace. It was exactly what he needed to find. He had to grit his teeth through the climb up into the ceiling space, but once through, it was easy.

The combined sections of rope were long enough to loop over the low beams, and he had enough upper body strength to climb up without the aid of his lower extremities.

After hoisting himself up, he found a support beam to lean against and went still. His legs were outstretched and crossed at the ankles, his spine and head leaning back, completely at peace twenty feet up perched on a cross beam. Trowa always felt vulnerable on the ground, ever alert and never quite calm; he always was more comfortable in the air watching from above, and here, in the midst of this serenity, he tried to sort through the mess that had surrounded him since his touchdown on earthen soil.

Thought swirled around his head in utter chaos:

Heero didn’t want to call him in; Heero thought him unreliable. Heero wanted him here but was protecting him; Heero had planned to die in defense of the earth. Heero wanted him on a physical and emotional level. Soldiers and humans couldn’t share the same body. His soft-heartedness causing him to leave an enemy alive which could’ve lead to his death, but did lead to his injury. His injury leaving him struggling with basic mobility; his inability to return to the circus without limping. His inability to practice his new and dangerous routine; his inability to return to the place he could fly. Maxwell’s attempts to break down barriers erected from childhood. The guilt of knowing the others may have attempted to build friendships, and he had ignored all attempts.

Every word colliding in his head and shattering into more and more words, spiraling out of control, but every ounce of turmoil was contained within a completely stoic mask.

With a deep breath, and a decisive effort, Trowa let the confusion of thoughts slip away, and just was. Just existed, a hollow state of being. He reached within himself to find a state of being immersed in tranquility. He felt his shoulders relax, and the tension always held within his neck eased. When had he last felt this? It had been too long.

The rafters were dim but not black. There were vents that allowed air circulation, and through those vents, some sunlight entered. The path of the rays told him of the hours he spent upstairs.

He told himself not to stay too long as the rafters would be difficult to traverse in pitch dark, but Trowa didn’t hold himself to it. He knew how many steps it was from the rope to the ceiling panel and from the panel to the door of the linen closet. He could find his way without lights.

It would be easier with that little bit of sunlight, but Trowa couldn’t bring himself to leave.

And as it went completely black, the acrobat heard the ceiling panel move. He’d been discovered, or someone was looking for him. Its not like he could make a quick get away, and if someone was scouring the rafters, he knew he was here.

Because Trowa knew exactly who had found him; he expected it. In all actuality, he thought he’d be discovered at least an hour ago. Not that he was complaining about the extra time alone.

“Trowa.”

The acrobat didn’t answer. It was completely dark in his haven, but there was no hiding. Heero knew he was here.

“Maxwell asked me to apologize for him.”

“Why?” Trowa heard his own voice echo through the rafters, and it felt foreign to him after so much silence. Funny, but Heero’s voice didn’t feel as alien to him as his own.

“He was under the impression that he upset you. What did he say?” Heero was agitated, trying to contain it, but some tension was slipping through with his choice of wording.

“He spoke his mind. There is no fault in that. No apology needed.” Trowa’s voice was utterly devoid of emotion, not because he was hiding anything, but because there was nothing there to voice. He had spent the last few hours letting himself drain of everything, becoming the void in which he spent most of his youth hidden.

“You should tell him that. He was frantic when he found you gone.” The irritation was clear in his voice this time, which caused Trowa to sit up, raising his head from the wood behind him to look to the spot he knew Heero inhabited, obscured by darkness.

“Hn?” Why would Duo get worked up over his disappearance, sitter or no, Trowa was experienced with infiltration and espionage. If he wanted to leave, eventually he would.

Heero practically growled, letting his first few words crunch like gravel as he spoke. “For the last hour Chang has been scanning passenger lists for every flight at every shuttle port in a hundred mile radius, and I have been reviewing the external surveillance footage to determine direction of departure or whether you were hiding on the grounds waiting for nightfall because of Duo’s dramatics.”

A silent half-smile curled Trowa’s lips thinking about it. “That wasn’t my intention.”

“I know. As soon as I walked in our room, I saw your laptop sitting on the desk and knew you weren’t gone. Maxwell thought the laptop was mine, couldn’t find your things, and over-reacted.” He was still irritated.

‘So what happened?”

A huge sigh escaped Heero’s lips. “I switched to internal surveillance and found your path to the linen closet.”

“Ah.”

Silence reigned for a minute before Heero spoke again. “I thought you had left again.” His voice was strong, but soft. Despite the strength in his voice, Trowa heard the insecurity in his words.

“It crossed my mind.”

“Why didn’t you?” He tried for casual, but nothing Heero Yuy does is casual.

“I’m useless to the circus right now; I’d only be a burden.”

“Is that the only reason?”

Heero wanted something, and Trowa was fairly certain he knew what that was, but he wasn’t willing to lie to someone he respected.

“Yes.”

The circus performer heard Heero sigh then shift. A soft rustle of clothing told Trowa that Heero had decided to sit down. “You said you’d try.”

There was no need to explain what he was talking about, they both knew. “I did.”

Heero waited for Trowa to expand, but when it was evident he wasn’t going to, he spoke again. “I don’t understand.”

“The scenarios don’t work.” Trowa’s voice was calm, echoing out of the darkness.

“The scenarios.” Heero’s voice was flat, irritation seeping out of him as he realized Trowa’s mindset.

“You are an active Preventer, stationed on earth. My realm is the L3 sector, with little movement beyond that. If you want a fling whenever our paths cross, that’s fine, but I was under the impression that’s not what you wanted from me.” He spoke of sexual encounters between them as casually as weather patterns.

“Its not.”

“Don’t ask me to quit the circus, Heero; you won’t like my response.”

“Defensive, but then again, you should be.” His irritation had finally reached its fullest.

“What are you talking about?” At Heero’s words, Trowa felt irritation color his statement, as well.

“Have you considered the possibility that I, like you, have tired of the soldier’s life. That maybe I want to try something else? No, you assume I would push my life onto yours.” A grunt of frustration escaped pilot 01. “You run scenarios and make excuses to shut down any chance between us because you don’t want this to happen.”

“I left the possibility open when our paths cross.” His voice was still defensive, and his body reflected that, pulling his legs up to his chest and crossing his arms across his knees.

“Sex.” Heero spit the word out of his mouth in distaste. “That’s easy; I can get that around any corner.” Trowa heard faint noises indicating Heero had come to stand. “I want you. All of you, but you haven’t reached that point in your life, yet, or maybe you have and you’re scared of experiencing those emotions. I don’t know, but I do know that me trying is useless until you want this.”

There was a brief strip of light burning through the darkness and glancing off Heero’s face as he dropped into the linen closet, and then darkness ruled again.

It was what Trowa had wanted from the moment Heero came through the panel: solitude, but now that he once again had it, did he really want it? Mentally, he scoffed. Of course he did.

He needed no one; it had always been that way.

Needed no one…

But the turbulent feeling writhing in his chest didn’t completely agree. Needed, no, but maybe he wanted some one.

Maybe solitude was something he didn’t need continuously. It would be different, letting some close, but would it necessarily be bad?

So many opposing thoughts were darting around his head; he felt dizzy. He felt like everything thing he had ever known as fact was now debatable; the only thing he knew now was that he didn’t want to be here any more.

It felt like the rafters were closing in on him, and he didn’t want to be alone in this room any longer.
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AN: It's nearing the end...two, maybe three chapters left. I hope ya'll have enjoyed the ride thus far, and I sincerely hope I'm doing the pairing justice, trying to keep them as "in character" as possible while writing a "get together" fic. If you're still with me, please leave a little blurb, lemme know what you think.