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[ Himitsu ]	By : RenaSama Category: Dragon Ball Z > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 5507 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own DragonballZ, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 17
- 18
- 19
Himitsu

Author: Rena "Sama" / 'the light'

Contact: soaringshadow@yahoo.com

Date Posted: 3-16-06

Rated: NC-17

[ Chapter .17 ]

He says nothing. Dark eyes burn feverishly on my skin. Is this how I look at him?

"But if I you won't even let me... I mean I can't... Last night we..." I stutter sounding foolish and confused.

He says nothing.

"How the hell am I supposed to act around you now?!!" I grab him by the front of his shirt pulling
him close to me again. My erection resting against his stomach. His against my leg.

"What am I supposed to do?!... What do you want me to do...?" I ask softly.

| What would you do? |

He punches me lightly in the jaw. Just enough to move me back, to make me let go and stop poking him.
I bet he meant that to hurt. But of course it didn't. I finally let go of him sadly. He frowns at the hand that
punched me. Then his gaze shifts out to the endless expense of white, at the trees, everywhere that
wasn't occupied by my naked, aroused body.

"I don't know..."

"..."

After that, nothing else is said as he retreats. But this time he doesn't fly away. He doesn't run
away. He walks. Slowly. Like he didn't really want to leave at all.

Silence.

"Bejiita..." I call, not at all expecting him to turn around. Not sure why I even bothered. As predicted,
he ignores my plea for attention. The sound of snow crunching under his feet get softer and softer. With every
step he puts between us, I feel colder and colder. The chill seeps down to my bones as I slowly become aware
of my own state of undress in the sub freezing temperatures. The tingle dancing over my lips begins to fade
and my loathing for winter grows.

"Gokuu!! Get in here right now!!!" Chichi bellows from the back door of the house. Outraged that
I'm both out of the tub and completely nude and not even bothering to hide it. What for? The only person
who's really looking just left.

"Gokuu Sa!" I ignore her and keep my eyes trained on Bejiita's retreating back. As far away as he
is by now, only someone who watched him as closely and as desperately as I do would have been to
see him.

Why does he keep running from me? What aren't I running, or fighting the good fight to preserve
what's left of my marriage vows and fidelity? Shouldn't I be struggling against... this... just as passionately
as he? Did Chichi and Bulma really mean so little to me?

I wish things weren't so ... confusing between us. There's too many unanswered questions. Where
are we supposed to go from here? How could there ever be a 'we?' Why can't I get him off my mind? Why is
it that only minutes after he left, I'm craving him like I'd never had him at all? My arms ache to hold him
again. Why do I want him so badly? Was he really that attractive? Was that really all there was to it?
His looks? Am I so shallow?

You probably think I'm such a mess. Getting tangled in all this with seemingly no way out.

"GOKUU!" Chichi screeches now. Her shrill, angry voice hurts my ears and pulls me back to the
other reality in my life. I sigh wearily.

Shit. I'm still hard.

"I'm coming!" I say over my shoulder as I make very sure not to turn around and reach behind
me for my clothes. I scoop up a little snow with them and put the bundle against my crotch. The cold in such
a place as you may have guessed is rather ... uncomfortable. My erection hates the cold as much as I do. It
retreats just as quickly as Bejiita did. I throw my orange pants on and tug my blue under shirt over my head.
Dragging myself back into the confines of my home, the wooden door shuts behind me like iron bars.

[ ..... ]

We all have our coping mechanisms. In times of stress some turn to drugs, others to food. Some bury
themselves in work, sex, or any activity that helps them avoid the things that worry them. Bejiita chooses to run
from his need and guilt with distance and preferably, violence. Neither of which have worked for me.
For either of us really. So I choose a very different way to 'deal.'

No, I don't eat my weight in pork buns. No I don't drown myself in as much frigid sex with Chichi,
as possible. I sleep. I spend the better part of the day sprawled out on the couch. In slumber, my mind is free to do
and go wherever it pleases. I don't have to worry about any possible impropriety when my body reacts faster
than my mind can tell it to stop. Or the pang I feel from the lack of suspicion in Chichi's dark, trusting eyes.
Trust that has been bestowed to me so wrongfully. She knows nothing, and I'm sure suspects nothing. Somehow
that makes it so much worse. So much harder to look at my own face in the mirror.

So I sleep so I don't have to. My only respite from all the things I can't fix, and all the things I
don't want to fix. But even here... I can't escape from him.

[ ..... ]

Winter geese honk noisily outside and I wake all too soon. Forced to deal with things that seem so
complicated. Forced to battle problems that are much larger than myself only because I'd let them get that way.
On top of that, I have to essentially re-learn myself now that I'm aware of how much it is I really don't know.

Ignorant to my own ignorance.

Hm.

Did I just 'hm' ? I really have been around him too much. And yet not nearly enough.

Come to think of it, I probably know more about Bejiita, which isn't much, than I do myself.

I guess I have a lot of work to do.

[ ..... ]

I sit in my favorite seat at the kitchen table watching the sunlight beam through icicles dangling
from the roof of my house. Sounds dull? You bet. I can think of a million things I'd rather be doing. And
of course one person. But as much as I hate being cooped up, I can't even leave the house. Or rather I
shouldn�t. This is the only place in the world he's guaranteed not to be in. Leaving will almost ensure
that we'll somehow, in some unfathomable way, find each other, and I'll have another notch to add
on my ever growing list of wrongs and failures.

"Hey Dad! I..." Goten begins. His voice in my ears suddenly triggers the feeling of ice in my
veins. Luckily I keep myself from jumping.

"Hmm?" I say, feigning calmness. My hands twitch. I feel so transparent.

"I'm.. uh gonna catch a movie," he says unsure. Like he expects me to be angry or snap like his mother.

"Oh.. yea sure... Uh... Have fun!" I saw awkwardly, waving as if he were far away. He looks at me a
little longer than he needs to before he scurries out the door.

"Thanks! Bye Mom! Be back later!" he yells as he zips up his puffy coat. He runs through the door,
full of energy for whatever it is he really plans to do.

"What?" Chichi says from the kitchen. Goten is already out the door and too far away to answer her.
As usual. I breathe a little easier when it shuts behind him.

"Eesh I wonder where it is he's off to in such a hurry." I'd say the movies, but I don't wanna to lie
to her more than I already have.

"I think he just wants to get out of the house," I say instead.

"Yea you're right. You know come to think of it, you've been a little off these days too."

I've been 'a little off' for a long while now. I guess she's just noticing. There's so much she
doesn't know. If I could just tell her everything. Have her understand... she'd know what to do wouldn't she?

Of course not. She'd murder me. That is, after castrating me. Or worse, starving me.

"Hm." I say in my inability to voice complicated emotions. Something else I must have picked up
from Bejiita.

"You know some air might do you good too."

Might? There's doubt?

"I need to pick up some things from the market. Normally around now you'd be sleeping, or beating
something up. But since you're here, why don't you come with me?"

"Sure!" I say automatically. I say yes to pretty much everything she asks now. I can't bring myself
to refuse even her craziest, or most boring whims. Not after what I'd done. What I most certainly will
do again.

[ ..... ]

Now, normally I'd be bored out of my mind when being dragged into a shopping experience with
Chichi. I'd either be buried up to my ass in boxes of shoes she'll never wear. Or straining to stop the
avalanche of clothes she's bought from toppling and killing other shoppers. But not this time.
We're shopping for food.

For just a little while, I forget all about Bejiita. I stand in the middle of the expansive produce
isle and take it all in. This is not at all the kind of market I envisioned. The place was easily the size of
West City Mall. But instead of being broken up into smaller, separate clothing and nick knack stores,
it's all just food! Can you believe it!? Cuisine and delicacies that I'd never even dreamed of! In
quantities that even I think are generous!

I skip through the isles with stars in my eyes, feeling lighter and giddier than I had in months.
A kid in a candy store. Ahh the healing power of gluttony.

Who knew such a place existed?

"So this is where you go every week!" I say gleefully. Chichi laughs lightly at my childlike
behavior. A side of me that hasn't come out to play in some time.

"I should have known you would love this place!"

"You should have shown me sooner!"

She laughs again and asks me to hoist a bale of potatoes into the monstrously large shopping
cart. We travel through the maze of a store as Chichi checks item after item of a very lengthy list. 'A
few things' to get she says. I don't mind at all. Being here with her now, just feels so calming. Just...
right. Like I'm re-learning what a healthy, easy, normal relationship with my wife is supposed to feel like.
What it's like to go a whole hour without my hands itching to feel Bejiita's bare, perspiring skin under
them. She smiles while pushing the cart and tells me what she plans to make for dinner. I love her smile.
It's nice to see it again, even if I don't deserve it. Times like these make me feel as if our relationship
isn't doomed. That one day when I summon up the courage to tell her, maybe she really would forgive me.
Perhaps beating what plagued me isn't so desperately impossible.

Wait. Something's wrong! I'm too calm. I'm too happy. Our relationship seems to be blossoming,
albeit slowly, again.

I look over my shoulder, paranoid that any second now something... someone would come along
and ruin the feelings that try so hard to put me at ease. My eyes search frantically for a blue spandex
clad form, only to find none. Again I'm not sure if it's relief or disappointment churning in my
stomach. When he's not around, I slowly go back to being something akin to normal. I never realized
how much I took the mundane for granted. Why am I even looking for him?! I should be glad he's not
around. Glad for a moment's peace. Am I actually hoping he'll come tempt me again? Come along with his
disgustingly enticing little self and make me break Chichi's heart and destroy my marriage?

Do I enjoy making things difficult for myself?

Do I actually like to suffer?

"Gokuu could you get that? It's too heavy for me." Chichi asks.

"Of course!" I say too quickly.

[ ..... ]

Bejiita of course does not show up and does not ruin anything. I just have a nice, fairly quiet
time with my wife. I teleport us and the insane amount of food we've purchased home. Goten still hasn't
returned from his 'movie.' I don't expect to see him for several more hours.

Chichi and I eat dinner, watch television, then curl up on the couch as she reads aloud one of
her old favorites. We spend hours together. Alone. Something we rarely ever do anymore. We talk. We
actually talk. About nothing at all of importance. But that hardly matters. Our time is quiet and serene. She
reads, we have another snack, and make jokes about what Goten may be up to. She eventually drifts off
to sleep on the love seat next to me. And do you want to know what? Something really is wrong with
this picture. I am too calm. Not once, in all this time, with all our privacy, even with the house completely
to ourselves, as perpetually aroused as I feel I am, did I even think of sex with her. Or at all. This was
the kind of opportunity teens cut class for. The kind where adults called out sick, or rush home on their
lunch breaks* to get. The opportunity people spend countless dollars renting luxurious suites in
hotels thousands of miles away from their squealing children to get. Neither one of us thought of using
this time the way so many other couples only dream of.

Of course I'm calm around her. For all my struggles, for all efforts to keep my marriage in a
place I thought was healthy, there was something I couldn't force or fix with smiles, cuddling, or errands.

The one thing Bejiita stirred in me without fail that she could not.

My hands begin to itch. I ball them into fists. Panic and anger throb between my legs.

| No! I won't go to him! I won't!! |

I look at my slumbering wife on the couch. My fists relax and run my fingers through her hair,
ignoring the fact that Bejiita's was indeed the same color.

"Mmm?" she stirs to wakefulness as I cup the sides of her face. I push my lips against hers gently
at first, almost shyly. She kisses me back tenderly. My heart beats steadily. Her cool breath is against
my face as I run my fingers through her satiny hair. I pull at the pins holding the bun of her dark tresses
in place. Her now freed locks cascade down over my hands as she sighs happily. I suck on her bottom lip but
feel no urge to deepen the kiss. I pull away slowly. The separation of our lips makes no noise. Chichi gives
me a small smile with her eye still closed as she quickly drifts back to sleep. Back into slumber's warm
embrace. I watch her face with it's milky skin and small pouty pink lips as she sleeps. With her dark hair
framing her oval shaped face it's easier to see how attractive she really is. My heart sinks. She's pretty,
fiery, a great cook, and gave me two beautiful and often disobedient children.

So.. what's so wrong with me that I can't get what I need from my own wife?

I think back to the kiss Bejiita and I shared only a day ago. My heart raced with the knowledge
of how wrong it all was and how much I wanted more of it. His dark, menacing eyes and disdainful voice
drew me in. Then an unquenchable need burned away my concern for everything else.

Why do I feel nothing of the sort when I kiss her? There is no stirring, no heat, no need, none
of the... magnetism that constantly draws me towards Bejiita.

No nothing...

What... when had it happened? When had it all gone so wrong?

A wave of uneasy, gut wrenching alarm passes over me. Suddenly, nothing seems certain anymore.
Everything I always assumed would be there, all those things I took for granted, all the things I took comfort
in knowing they were basic truths, things I didn't even have to think twice about... Gone. This kiss... if you
could even call it that, makes me see how much had really changed between us. Or perhaps, it had always
been this way. Now that I have something to compare it to do I see the problem for what it really is.
Everything I thought I knew about our relationship, about us, seems so horribly unreliable.

Of all the things I used to believe were absolute, only one thing was truly definite now.

My fingers move to my forehead and teleport me to the last place I should have gone.

[ ..... ]

Bejiita's rooms smells airy and clean with the faint scent of soap. Beneath that, lingers
traces of what is so undeniably masculine. The lights are off and steam seeps through the open door to his
private bathroom. Small sections of the room are lit with pale light from the half moon through the window.
As my eyes adjust to the dark, I look around the room. I take a deep breath when I finally spot him
sitting on his unmade bed.

"What are you doing here?!" he seethes, backing up against the head of the bed. There
he is, pissed, frustrated, and gorgeous. Like he'd walked out of one of my many dreams and had been lying in
wait for the exact fucking moment that I realized I couldn't last long without him. That he could give me
what no on else couldn't. As if fate had planned this down to the second. It had waited for me to breathe
that one sigh of recognition, when I just knew my life would never be the same. That I would never be the
same. I sneer. A habit I so obviously picked up from him. I resent and adore him for all that's happened.
He makes me hard as quickly as he makes me angry.

"I told you not to come near me! Get out!" He barks angrily, rushing towards me in his boxers. His
hands are already balled into fists. He whips his arm around to punch the side of my head with a left hook.
Knowing the move he planned to use before he even throws the punch, I let his fist connect with my temple.
Happy to have his hand son me again as my head jerks to the right. OF course, I turn and I punch him right
back. He stands with his fists raised, staring me down. I guess this is our way of saying hello. He breathes
heavily though we've barely fought at all. Noticing his punch did not have the desired effect, he moves to
kick me, but I catch his leg before it can do any damage. Then, I very slowly let it go.

"Rgggh!!" he growls.

"Bejii-"

"Why do you keep tormenting me?!" he whispers harshly.

"... I'm tormenting you?" I say unbelieving. It never once occurred to me that Bejiita may see me the
exact way I see him. A tormentor. A thorn in his side. A hindrance from letting him enjoy what would otherwise
have been a normal life. I find myself moving closer to the sound of his voice in the dark room, annoyed that
I can see him but not feel his body heat.

"Stay away!" he yells but makes no move to strike out violently or make me leave by force.

"Bejiita, we ne-..."

"I can hear you just fine from there! You wanted to talk, so talk!" he says clipped, making very
sure that his eyes stay fastened on the passing clouds through the window instead of the growing bulge in
my pants.

"Talk?" Is he kidding? I eye the bare flesh between his navel and the top of his rumpled boxers. Talking
really isn't what I had in mind.

"At least you're dressed this time," he mutters to himself. I think back to the last time I saw him in
the snow and the feeling of the chilly wind across my bare skin, his hair though my fingers, his tongue in my
mouth. Why do I keep thinking of that? His cool, sparse room suddenly seems much warmer. "Talk or leave
Kakarotto," he says brusquely, noticing the change in temperature. Wanting me away from him and his hungry
eyes as quickly as possible. He trusts himself around me about as well as I'm trusted around food.

"..."

The complete silence is cut every so often by the sound of his breathing. He stares at me now like
he's barely suppressing the urge to kill me. His murderous eyes burn me with scorn yet linger on my face as if
it was the only thing in the world worth looking at. I try and fail to ignore the tremble that runs through me.

There are so many things I could ask or say to him in my one rare moment of control. But we're really not
the talking kind.

"...This...Things can't stay as they are..." is all I can manage. I move closer. He makes a face, saying
nothing as he moves off the bed entirely and away from me. I watch him intensely.

"What we di-"

"A momentary lapse. It won't happen again!" he lied, crossing his arms over his bare chest defensively.
I still remember the weight and the warmth of his trembling body in my arms that day in the tub. Why do I
keep thinking of that!?

"You're lying. It already happened. Twice."

"That was the last time!" he yells, unable to be truthful even with himself before giving the door a
quick glance as if he expected someone to hear us. He backs towards the window, ready to fly out into
the night in his boxers at a moment's notice just to keep away from me. Keep from making another... mistake.

"Bejiita..." I call. He visibly shudders when I say his name this way before looking angrier than
I've seen him in a while.

"Damn it Kakarotto!! ...What... do you... Forget it! Get the fuck out!!!" he says inching towards the
door when I move closer.

"No! Why are you running from me?!" I yell grabbing his arm and he wrenches it away. "There's no
where you...we can run and hide where we won't find each other." I reach for his shoulder this time. He bats
my hands away again and again. But I don't give up.

"I said don't ...touch... me..." He tries very hard to snarl as he shakes in useless rage and frustration as I
finally hold him by the shoulders. His skin is unusually warm.

Another forced sneer. But he can't keep it up.

"What do you want...?" he asks softly. Like he was afraid of the answer. Like he didn't already know.

"More," I breathe, pulling him closer. My stomach coils and I tingle everywhere as I say this.

"You... don't know what you're asking," he says, his voice wavering in fear as if we would unleash
something we would inevitably not be able to control. I can tell his face is getting red even if my eyes
were closed.

"But I do! I want more!" My face heats up terribly. I feel light headed. Feverish even. He looks at me
with a weary expression as he grabs my hand and pushes two of my fingers against my forehead.

"Go home..."

"..."

I shake my head and stare deep into his widening eyes. He looks away suddenly, unable to hold my gaze
he looks down at the floor.

"You have to go." His words are low and pained. My eyes feast on his lips as he whispers. I watch them
desperately, as if I were dying and they were the only things that would save me. A heavy exhalation. The pale
light from the window caresses his finely made features. He swallows audibly as I run my thumb under his
bottom lip.

"N...no..." he says backing away but not getting very far.

"Just once more..." I breathe, leaning into him, needing him. I throb to the point where it becomes painful.
His cheeks and the tips of his ears burn bright red. Deep breath. He shakes his head, his hands begin to curl into
fists again as if he would strike.

"Please..." how is it that he can make me beg like this? My heart begins to race. I lean even closer.
God he's so warm...

"I can't give you what you want Kakarotto..."

"But...I want-"

"D...Don't say it!... Don't say anymore..." he whispers harshly, pleading, covering my mouth with his small hand.

"..."

I kiss the center of his palm warmly. There's a sharp intake of breath and he snatches his hand away before
giving me his back. I grab him by his shoulders and forcefully turn him around so I can at least see his face. He stares
down at the ground sneering and muttering under his breath.

"I..."

"..."

"Damn it Bejiita, look at me!" I say tilting his chin up. He finally gives me his full attention. Anger boiling over.
His dark eyes burn furiously as if to say 'how dare you put your hands on me again!' 'How dare you make me deal
with this?!' 'How dare you tempt me...'

"I want... you..."

"..."

His face changes dramatically. Going from rage to brooding melancholy and uncertainty in an instant.
The tight scowl of his mouth relaxes and suddenly, I don't have the chance to say anything more.

My eyes widen. His lips are against mine before I even realize he moved. He consumes me with an angry,
sweltering kiss. So much like our first, yet something is different. This wasn't a kiss based so much on the body's
unbearable, violently powerful demands for satisfaction. But something that went beyond the pulsing flesh between
his legs. Something intangible. His hands tangle and pull the hair at the back of my head as if he actually expected
me to pull away. "Nnnmh!" he growls into my mouth and crushes his lips hard against mine. I mold my body against his
and wrap my arms around his small frame. Shivering, I moan into his mouth constantly. It amazes me how much I want
him. Like I needed this to stay sane. It bothers me that this kiss was so different from the one I shared with my own
wife. That kiss was so tepid. Even cold. This kiss is alive. A hot blooded, living, breathing entity all it's own. I barely
understand why kissing Bejiita... this man, was so alarmingly satisfying. Why his mouth on mine evoked feelings
that overtake me and rob me of my reason, of my breath, and of any hope of remaining even the least bit faithful to Chichi.

Continued.

A/N

1. This was the kind of opportunity teens cut class, or adults called out sick, or rush home on their lunch breaks to get.*
When people go home during lunch for the purposes of having sex, it's referred to as a "nooner." :o)
- 17
- 18
- 19
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[ Himitsu ]