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Damaged Souls	By : Tyrana Category: Dragon Ball Z > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1799 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own DragonballZ, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Damaged Souls
- 2-Chapter Two
- 1
- 2
DISCLAIMER: I don�t own DB/Z/GT

Thanks to Crimson Tide, Trista and Irol for reviewing chapter one.
This chapter isn't beta-ed. I've just corrected some mistakes, which slip due to my lack of attention, sorry for that. And about the rest, those must wait until my beta can work on the chapter; just bear in mind that I'm not a native-English speaker and my knowledge of the language isn't as vast as I'd wish.

Thanks for reading.

DAMAGED SOULS

Chapter Two

Goku was maintaining a steady pace during his solitary flight toward the setting sun. The neutral expression of his countenance and his appearance of serene composure perfectly concealing the storm raging within his very soul: His heart had become a battlefield where diverse emotions were engaged in a fierce fight for dominance- culpability clearly prevailing over the rest -while a maelstrom of poignant thoughts and memories was menacing to overflow his mind.

Painful but welcome memories of his son.

Accursed, unwanted memories of those last, shameful, minutes with Vegeta.

But how to purge them out of his system, when all his senses were overloaded with the damned alluring presence of the prince?

The intoxicating and persistent flavor still inciting Goku�s taste buds, awakening in him a yearning for more of that ambrosia.

The rich, masculine scent still lingering in his nostrils, penetrating deeply with every mouthful of air; and the feel of such warmth breath, like an exotic breeze, making his skin tingle and his mind go hazy.

The passionate though protective embrace; Goku could lean against that firm body forever, so welcoming, so comforting.

The subtle caress of velvety lips, still fluttering over his own�All those exquisite, pleasant, but treacherous, sensations, coursing through his veins like an addictive poison, conjured to evoke in him a myriad of disturbing and tempting images.

Unwilling to venture further in the tortuous path his thoughts were taking, Goku squeezed his eyes shut for a brief instant and shook his head vigorously, in a vain attempt to cleanse his psyche, his spirit, his whole self , to concentrate all his energies in mourning his grievous loss.

But his mind seemed disposed to give him no respite, still rummaging, wondering once and again about Vegeta�s recent demeanor.

Goku was completely mystified by the fact that the proud prince could harbor, for so many years, such intense feelings for him, and, moreover, that he would have proclaimed them so openly, with such unexpected tenderness.

Passionate, sure. Goku had always known that an ardent heart lay captive within Vegeta�s cold appearance. But tender�that was an unsuspected facet of the prince; something that, not even in his most delirious, insane dreams, Goku could have ever imagined.

But, more than confused, Goku was furious. With the prince, for daring to put him under such predicament at such fateful moment; but mostly with the way his own body had reacted, and still was reacting, succumbing to an ephimeral and fictitious gratification.

Had it been only an uncontrollable need of comfort? A mere, unconscious, inevitable response to all the physical, delicious stimulation his nervous terminations had been bombarded with? Or something else, something latent and hidden deep within the most remote recesses of his very core, something he had never dare to explore?

Whatsoever it had come upon him, he did not need to know at the moment. His only certainty was that his behavior had been inexcusable, ignominious and he was the most loathsome and vile of the creatures.
Goku hissed as his face contorted in pain; all the emotional tension he was undergoing, was starting to affect him physically in the form of a dull but relentless ache over his forehead and temples. He drew a deep breath before expelling the air very slowly, but it did nothing to calm his growing anxiety. He groaned in annoyance; he needed to focus his attention on something else or he was going to lose the scarce self-control he still retained.

Therefore, Goku let his gaze wander over the devastated land, outstretched far below like an agonizing victim of his recent insanity: vast expanses of charred soil of a dark-grayish tone; heaps of debris, stones and scorched trunks; columns of dense, white smoke rising up into the sky�The hairs on the back of his neck bristled as he noticed the uncanny resemblance between such desolated scenario and the inner landscape of his tortured soul.

He hardly remembered what had happened. His mind only retained a few vague, fragmentary images of his frenzied flight: At some point, he had attained a new level which had resulted in the regeneration of his tail. But the rage and that urgent necessity to escape were still fresh, vivid sensations; too deeply entrenched in his memory, impossible to forget.

But all that madness, the unleashed chaos, anything was preferable to his present awareness; the guiltiness, the agony, so intense and oppressive, eating him whole, making him feel, all of a sudden, so lost, frail and vulnerable, like a leaf slowly being shredded while swirling and spiraling within the eye of a whirlwind.

Goku�s onyx orbs stung with unshed tears and he gasped for air, suffocated, at the sensation of being drowning in the turbulent sea of his emotions.

Sometimes it was better not to feel at all. And with the only desire to leave behind the consuming, overwhelming sorrow, the saiyan speeded up. The pale blue of a sunny afternoon swiftly turning into the hazy violet of a sunset as he devoured mile after mile trough that immense, changing sky.

****************************
When Goku was nearing the harsh, arid region where he had abandoned his son; an amber, agonizing sun was drifting along that line where the earth and the sky melt into each other in a chaste and endless kiss, bleeding golden and bronze, leaving its vibrant and magnificent but ephemeral imprint in the twilight as the land below was starting to get conquered by shadows.

But unimpressed at such magnificent display of beauty, Goku decreased gradually his velocity while descending to glide closer to the ground. He surveyed his whereabouts to locate the exact point where the corpse laid; the vastness and monotony of the place, without any landmark or distinctive signal, making slightly difficult his search.

The earth seemed so peaceful and serene in those lazy hours at the end of the day, so painfully oblivious to Goku�s pain, that he could not refrain an irate frown, his tail lashing violently in the air, as anger and hatred simmered within him, making his heart pound wildly in his ears.

He hated everything; hated the world, no more a friendly and welcoming place; hated every living creature for daring to breath; but mostly hated himself for not having been able to avoid the disaster. A good father would have protected and kept his son away from peril instead of shoving him into its discarnate claws. He would never be able to forgive himself, and that certainty made his stomach lurch with nausea as the recalcitrant pain in his head gradually became more intense.

Right after spotting the corpse, Goku darted down to land silently, softly, as in fear to break the gloomy quietness which reigned supreme all over the place. A chill ran up his spine as the crisp air of the crepuscule bit into his flesh.

He swallowed hard, feeling his lips suddenly going dry and a lump tightening in his throat. Then, dropping to his knees, he reached out with his arms to pick up that lifeless shell; still warm and flaccid, in that stage prior to rigor mortis, when the body hasn�t become rigid yet. Goku pulled him closer against his chest, holding him in a tight embrace and nuzzling his face against the muddy locks of hair. He let a few tears run free as the heavy, metallic scent of blood mercilessly assailed him.

He could not go back home with his son in such state: it was almost impossible to recognize Gohan�s features under the thick layer of grime and dried blood covering his face. No mother should be allowed to see her child like that. Nothing might palliate the unfathomable heartache at the loss of her son, but he would avoid Chichi any unnecessary, additional suffering.

He had to find a place where to cleanse all that damn, bloody traces from his son�s body. So, taking off into the somnolent sky, he flew southwards, back into the daylight again.
Soon he made out a river in the distance; at first sight, the environment seemed wild and rough, a stony terrain with magnificent, elevated forests and dense thickets at both edges of the untamed torrent. A closer examination of the area revealed the existence of some clearings downstream, where the watercourse was more calmer. He landed with a muffled thud and, very gently, as if afraid to inflict any harm, Goku laid the dear body on the moss-carpeted ground.

As he strode towards the stream, a fresh breeze swept over, carrying a clean aroma of humid wood, heather and pine. Goku halted briefly and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply to get rid of the acrid stench of blood still lingering in his nostrils as the rustling sound of leaves and the sweet, melodic murmur of the crystalline water reached his ears.

But his distress was much too overpowering to allow himself relishing in such pleasant and soothing sensations for any longer than a fleeting instant and he swiftly moved to kneel at the edge of the river. He peeled off the remains of his ragged and stained gi top to submerse it into the transparent liquid. Then, returning at his son�s side, Goku dropped on his knees, proceeding, first, to moisten the lips with the soaked piece of fabric.

It was a picturesque rite Goku had witnessed during those three years he spent traveling around the world. It was performed in the belief that the deceased would revive if he was given pure water, preferably by the closest relative.

Goku could understand until certain point why such absurd and irrational traditions still persisted nowadays: People threw themselves into the unsteady arms of superstition, the last bastion of their hopes in their moment of despair, the only source of solace and console for their agonizing hearts. But the motives why he had done it were beyond his rational cognition. It had been a mere reflex action, something absolutely involuntary, because he did not believe in such things and, what was more important, he had utterly and completely lost all hope. Maybe it had just been the unconscious expression of his love and respect for the lost son, his way to render homage to the brave warrior or a simple farewell from a doleful father.

Tired of questioning each and one of his actions, Goku tried to let his mind go blank by concentrating his undivided attention on the task at hand and, sighing, he rubbed the damp cloth, very gently at first, almost reverently, over Gohan�s face and neck; but the coagulated blood was too encrusted so he started to scrub more vigorously.

He paused after a while, exhaling a huff of annoyance upon seeing that only some of the superficial grime had been wiped out. So, tossing the dirty and useless piece of fabric to the ground, he proceeded to undress the limp body.

Goku frowned; there was not much blood under the clothes, but almost the whole surface of Gohan�s skin was covered in huge purple bruises, and those cannot be swept away, those would remain there, exposed, as mute but vivid testimony of the pain he had endured before exhaling his last breath.
Averting his eyes from the corpse, Goku rose to his feet and, after a quick visual inspection of the zone, he went to gather some plants which could be used as soap. Placing them under his gi sash, he promptly moved to haul Gohan into the river.

A tremor ran through him and a light hiss blew past his lips the very moment his body made contact with the icy water. Rising his ki just enough to prevent hypothermia, he remained rooted there, letting the liquid soften the filthy crust. Meanwhile, his mind drifted back to the days of Gohan�s childhood, prior to the tempest (Raditz�s arrival) which had shaken their placid lives, changing them forever.

The suggestive ambiance; the stillness of such placid afternoon; the vibrant colors of the nature around; the elegant evolutions of the cottony, pristine clouds, lofty ships sailing in a limpid, serene ocean, above his head; the tepid kiss of the sunbeams and the caress of the fragrant zephyr over his skin. All combined, evoking in him happy reminiscences of better days; when he used to take Gohan to similar places, to swim or fish, or simply to sit at the shore to play childish games like throwing pebbles into the water, or looking at the clouds passing by.

The laughs of pure joy of his son, his shyness and candor, his profound curiosity and his affectionate nature. Such precious gifts, so deeply engraved in Goku�s spirit, but never valued enough. Everything gone, lost forever. Only those memories left to torment him. What a blind, stupid fool he had been! So selfish and irresponsible. He should have spent more time with both of his sons when he had the opportunity, instead of flying in the pursuit of crazy adventures just to escape from the tedium of his monotonous existence.

Taking a deep breath, he looked down, turning his attention back to the prone body in his arms. Upon noticing that the water around was starting to acquire a red brownish tone as some of the filth got diluted in it, Goku shifted his son�s body to a vertical position while pulling him closer against his chest; he held him firmly with one arm and, retrieving with the other the plants, he began to rub them all over Gohan�s hair and skin; dexterous fingers massaging, scrubbing, as white puffy suds dripped to float in the stream and iridescent bubbles gleamed briefly before popping around.

During all that time, Goku had been, unconsciously and incessantly, chanting with a sad and low voice: �Forgive me, my son.� But a sudden gust of cold wind snatched him out of his trance; he blinked, shuddering slightly, and dunked the body to rinse off all traces of foam. Then, hauling the limp form over one shoulder, Goku stepped out of the river, flaring his ki to dry both their bodies.

Once on the river�s bank, Goku stared at Gohan�s strangely serene visage: those purple swollen eyes and the livid bruises accentuating the ghostly, unnatural pallor of his features; and that faint smile on his lips giving him a sinister, eerie appearance.

Goku felt his heart pumping in his throat and into his skull. Nobody should outlive their children. He had seen more violence than any ordinary human being could ever imagine, but there was something terribly obscene and immoral in losing one�s child: The abyss of agony and desperation tearing one�s soul apart, that inner void full of solitude, dejection and bitter resentment; finding oneself suddenly hating life and not knowing how to keep on going, only an aberrant desire to die seething within.

�Don�t worry, my son, we�ll be at home very soon�, Goku whispered with a broken voice. Then he blasted off into the sky, leaving a white trail behind as he flew at full speed, wanting to leave behind as well his somber contemplations.

***************************
Upon recognizing from the distance the familiar surroundings where his little cottage was situated, Goku felt his anxiety build up at the perspective to have to confront his wife under such tragic circumstances.

He shivered, perspiring profusely; feeling all his muscles tense all of a sudden and his heart racing wildly in his chest. He began to draw desperate and rapid intakes of air into his lungs, which only served to make him feel lightheaded and lose his balance, and he staggered dangerously in midair, nearly crashing to the ground.

After landing a few meters apart from the house, right behind some shaggy bushes, he reached out with his senses to locate Goten. The boy was still at the lookout and his ki was very low; seeming that Dende, too exhausted after healing the two full blooded saiyans, had not fully recovered his energies yet. Goku gave out a slight sigh of relief; better that way, given Chichi�s insane obsession for Gohan, things were going to be very nasty.

Goku closed his eyes, breathing deeply and stood there for a while vainly trying to calm himself down; he was conscious to be postponing the inevitable, but he needed some more minutes to gather enough courage.

Finally, with heavy and hesitant steps, he headed toward the silent house; the languid beauty of the nature around lost to him, unable, in his nervousness, to perceive the magnificent colors of the autumn, all those amber, reddish and brownish of all shades; or the rich and sensuous scents of chestnuts, juniper and humid soil.

All his mind could register was his own slight gasps and the crunch of the dry leaves under his heavy tread- the very sound of doom to Goku�s ears -feeling, with each step ahead, like going on his way to the most terrible of the hells. And he clutched tightly the body in his arms, curling his fingers compulsively around the already rigid flesh, and pulled it closer against him as if looking for some kind of support or shield against the imminent storm that was awaiting for him.

Once in front of the main entry, he inhaled deeply again before pulling on the doorknob, with difficulty. He hissed at the creak of the hinges; every sound, even the faintest, making his heart leap in his chest and his hairs stand on end; and he became more aware than ever of the irrational and absurd terror his so-called wife roused in him.

Fighting an instinctive, sudden impulse to run away, Goku stealthily stepped forward, along the silent hallway, in the direction of the living room.

Halting right upon the threshold, Goku let his gaze flicker around until spotting the woman; who was sat on an armchair with the back to the door.

�Chichi.� He whispered softly, through quivering lips, to make noticeable his presence. It was evident, by the abruptness of her movements as she rose from her seat and the nervous and insistent tapping of her foot on the floor, that she was not precisely in the best of the moods.

Without facing her husband, she clenched her fingers into fists and, after agonizing seconds of tense silence, spewed out her frustration and resentment in a torrent of recriminations and insults: �It was about time. I�ve been the whole day in the kitchen working like a slave, for nothing, while you were wasting your time with that bastard again. And now you�re dragging my sons along with you.� She stopped just for a split second to gasp for air to immediately yell again at him.

�Don�t you dare to apart Gohan from his work, leave him alone, he�s a normal boy not a lazy ass like you, because�� The words froze in her lips the very moment she turned around to look at her husband; the furious expression on her face was swiftly replaced by another of worry and anxiety at the lamentable sight before her bewildered eyes.

�My baby�what happened to my baby?� She hastily walked over, a hand reaching out to tenderly stroke Gohan�s hair. Then she looked up to cast an accusatory glare upon her husband.

�Don�t stand there like a twit, come on, take him upstairs, his wounds need to be healed, quickly!� Distress and reproach were the predominant emotions in her high-pitched voice, but Goku remained impassive and a mix of disbelief and suspicion flashed across her face for a second as she locked eyes with him. Those tears, confined in the depths of Goku�s onyx pupils, struggling, in vain, to run free, were dreadful heralds of something she was certain she did not want to hear.

�Chichi�he�s dead�and cannot be revived with the dragon balls, his soul had been destroyed�, Goku managed to mumble through tremulous lips.

Stepping backwards on shaky legs, she shook her head, while pouring ardent tears, mutely mouthing: �no, no, no��, as her eyes mirrored the look of profound sadness and anguish of her husband. Then she fixed her stare on Gohan�s pallid face, looking frantically for an evidence which proved that Goku had lied, that it was nothing but a cruel joke, only to be crushed by the bitter evidence that all sign of life had been drained from her son. And all she could do, at that juncture, was to bring a hand to her chest at the smoldering pain stabbing her heart, while releasing a strangled scream, before passing out cold on the carpeted floor.

Goku furrowed his brow in hesitation for some seconds, but he finally left, heading up the stairs and, bursting into Gohan�s bedroom, he laid his precious burden on the modest bed.

The darkness of the place was only disrupted by some weak beams of light breaking through the gaps of the closed blinds, making possible to vaguely discern the outlines of the objects.

Goku looked at his stretched arms, now orphan of their burden, so empty, so useless�and, closing his eyes, he embraced himself tightly, swaying the upper half of his body from side to side while trying to void his mind of thoughts and emotions of any kind. The meager console provided by that action promptly vanished as a chill run up his spine; the sole idea of leaving his son alone into such ghostly penumbra suddenly appeared like an unforgivable felony. So, letting heavily fall his arms at his sides, he moved to lift up the blinds.

The creamy light of the autumn evening streamed inside, bathing the whole place in a golden glow. But the atmosphere was too oppressive and Goku opened the window; a soft, refreshing breeze blew in, merrily dancing between his locks and tickling his skin, but he sighed in dejection as he loomed toward the bed to plant a tender kiss on his son�s forehead, before leaving the chamber.

Once back in the living room, Goku picked up his fainted wife and, after placing her on the couch, he started to gently shake her back and forth, whispering her name, until she started to regain consciousness. A feeble moan escaped her parted lips, as she slowly opened her eyes. Chichi blinked several times; confusion etched across her face for an instant, swiftly replaced by an angry frown as the recent events flashed painfully across her mind.

Gritting his teeth, she glared at her husband, who looked like a helpless child. But pity was not precisely the sentiment such image was stirring in her; all she could feel was a profound, blind hate, outwardly manifested in the form of spastic tremors, wracking her whole body.

�Chichi, are you feeling right?� And the angst-ridden tone of that vacillating voice was the final straw to make her unleash all that wrath which was consuming her whole self. As usually, she let her most primal emotions take control over herself, her rational mind going into short-circuit.

She abruptly rose from the couch like a Fury from hell, her features reddened and contorted in a grimace of mixed anger and insanity, and, grabbing Goku�s collar with both of her hands, she began to shake him violently. He just let her do, with a look of defeat and resignation plastered on his face.

�You, coward, you let my son die and have the nerve to ask me if I�m feeling right!� Her tone was louder and more enraged with each word spat from her mouth and, letting him go, she curled her fingers into fists to punch him on the chest; all the adrenaline released in her agitated state multiplying her force to almost superhuman heights.

�Give me back my son, bastard, make him come back, useless piece of shit!� She had turned into a rabid wolf, striking, yelling and sputtering the most outrageous and hateful insults she could think of. She kept on like that for a long while, but when her throat started to get sore and her voice became hoarse, the screams subsided; hits never ceasing, though.

Goku stood immobile, silent, with downcast eyes, stoically enduring Chichi�s frenzied attack, knowing that hurting and making others more miserable was the only way she could find some relief. And none of her actions really bothered him in the least.

But then, stopping the barrage and throwing the coldest of the stares Goku had ever seen, she snapped : �It�s your fault. You only brought suffering and misfortune into his life.�

�Chichi��, he dimly trailed off; the hurtful statement causing him to flinch on shaky legs.

�Don�t you dare to deny it�, she scornfully blurted out, accentuating each word on purpose, �you burdened him with a responsibility no child at such tender age should be forced to bear. And after that, you abandoned him when he needed you the most; without thinking, without even care what that could possibly mean to him, how guilty and unworthy he felt. For years, he spent every single night crying, calling you and begging you pardon in his nightmares, blaming himself for your death and believing you didn�t want to come back because you didn�t love him anymore. You hurt your own son beyond repair and now you let him die, and it�s all your fault.�

A sensation of claustrophobia arose deep within Goku�s psyche, growing as Chichi�s incense tirade went on. His vision became blurry and the room seemed to get smaller with every passing instant; a cold sweat bathed his skin and he started to hyperventilate and gasp like a fish out of water, suddenly under the bizarre impression that the air, thick with the loud tone of her voice and the venom exuded with her words, had become irrespirable.

He tried to resist an urgent, uncontrollable impulse to run away, but could not help to look around for a way out; and when he noticed that all the windows were locked his loud breath became much more labored, as he involuntarily recoiled closer to the door.

He was painfully conscious that this sudden seizure, the hallucinations, were just cruel tricks his mind was playing on him because of his emotional exhaustion; he needed to regain control or he would collapse. So he took a deep breath and rubbed at his temples in circular motions, trying, as desperately as vainly, to cling to the scarce inner strength still left in him. The consuming pain and remorse, fueled by such crude words, causing him to fail miserably, tough.

But some of his combative nature still withstood, unyielding, in the form of an insistent, inner voice screaming, indignant, that she had no right to treat him with such cruelty, that he should make her keep her mouth shut and put her in her place.

After all, it was she who had come looking for him during that damned tournament all those years ago asking him to father her children. Goku was a pretty collected guy, but such bizarre, unexpected petition had rendered him shocked.

The idea of paternity never had crossed his mind before, not even for a fleeting instant; but it was becoming more and more appealing as Chichi explained how it would be arranged.

Goku had blinked in puzzlement, never having heard before about artificial insemination, but relieved, nonetheless, knowing that there was no need to have sex with a woman he did not feel attracted to. And then his mind had gone hyperactive, fantasizing about how exciting would be to convey all what he was, his knowledge and his love for the martial arts to his own son.

And his reaction had been the same as whenever he had sensed the smell of adventure: to blindly embrace the challenge in pure glee, without thinking in the consequences. And besides, the woman seemed so desperate and, at the same time, so determined, that, ignoring all the alarms buzzing insistently within his head, he even had acceded to marry her just to not disappoint and upset her traditional and conservative father.

He knew it was a mistake; but she had pleaded and begged on her knees, crying and menacing to take her own life. And Goku with his inveterate habit or, more precisely, necessity to please everybody, simply had no heart to refuse. And since then, his life had been nothing but a big and terrible lie, just to please the same woman that was treating him so unfairly.

What a fool he had been. He sighed, consigning that seditious little voice to the most hidden recesses of his spirit, soon silenced by his sense of culpability. Chichi was right, she was just voicing out loud the truth; that he was the only blameworthy , for his failures, irresponsibility and egoism. He deserved the punishment; all her bile, hatred and abuse, and much more than that.

He did not know for how long his wife had been ranting and raving, but finally, fatigue overcame rage and Chichi retreated some steps from Goku, covering her face with her hands to cry bitterly. Meanwhile, Goku remained immobile, wordless, with a desolate feeling at his heart, watching her and not sure of what to do. He was positively certain that no apologize, no word of condolence or console would do any good; knowing Chichi, they would only sound hollow, false, even insulting.

Minutes, which felt like an eternity, passed and the heavy silence, only disrupted by the woman�s sobs was starting to become intolerable; but, suddenly, a distant creak reached Goku�s sensitive ears, startling him and, stepping closer to his wife, he reached out, gently grabbing her forearms.

�Chichi, please, try to calm down a little, Goten is coming.� Goku pleaded in a whisper; the weak and low tone of his voice barely concealing his increasing anxiety. Without a look, without a word, the woman twisted around; tears silently, but relentlessly flowing from red-rimmed, exhausted eyes.

Goku knew it wasn�t fair to ask her to repress her emotions in a moment like that. Hell! Even him, the very epitome of self-control and fortitude was on the verge of a nervous breakdown; but he feared that his volatile wife, in such a state of hysteria, would only make matters worse. It was going to be traumatic enough for Goten to find out about his brother�s passing away; he needed no additional motive of distress.

Goku sighed deeply as his son made his entrance. Goten�s radiant countenance, his carefree attitude, the natural, pure joy his whole self emanated�all of it seemed so tragically out of place. And Goku felt an icy cold freezing his heart, wondering if his son would ever be the same again from now on.

�Dad! I knew you�d win!� Goten exclaimed in a jovial tone, with a toothy grin spread across his young face as he advanced to hug his father. But he paused halfway, shocked at Goku�s worried expression. Why did he seem to be so upset? Then, Goten glanced at his mother, who had her back turned to him, and when he noticed the shakes wrecking her body, he supposed it was out of sheer rage.

An awkward silence filled the room as Goten fixed an inquiring and apprehensive gaze on Goku. Uneasiness started building in the pitch of his stomach after a thorough scrutiny of his father; his initial assumption of having step into another of his parents� arguments rapidly dismissed. He may not be the smartest of the guys, but he was not either so obtuse as not to realize that something serious had happened.

Usually, when his mother was going through one of her tantrums, his father used to take the verbal, and occasionally physical barrage, in silence, shrugging with indifference or, at the most, giving an embarrassed grin. But the scene before his young and perplexed eyes was totally surreal, as eerie as unexpected.

His father usually stood firm, always looking people straight in the eyes with that clean gaze and that honest expression that were his distinctive trademark; irradiating an aura of confidence and an overwhelming vitality which could charmed even the coldest of the souls. So unlike this pathetic stranger with his head hanging down, hands wriggling and shoulders drooped and bent forward.

The faint light of the evening cast a ghostly glow upon the defeated figure and Goten furrowed his brow and gasped, feeling the air rush from his lungs and his stomach tighten, as he finally realized what had been disturbing him: The light had vanished; that pure and powerful luminosity Goku naturally poured, turning the world around brighter and warmer.

Goten drew a deep breath of air, torn between his natural curiosity and a sudden sensation of anxiety; he needed but dreaded to know what could possibly be so terrible as to cause such devastating effect.

�Dad?�Mom�Something wrong?� Goku cringed, feeling his whole body stiffen at the slight tone of alarm of Goten�s voice. Since the demi-saiyan entered, Goku had stayed petrified; he simply didn�t know how to break the news without breaking as well Goten�s heart. Goku was dreading to face his son�s grief, and he suddenly felt like being crushed under an excruciatingly heavy weight. For a brief instant, he turned his face and closed his eyes to calm his nerves. But he quickly gazed back at his son, slowly pursing his lips to speak.

�Dende didn�t tell you?�, Goku asked; the weak tone and the lack of self-assurance in his voice was not precisely having a comforting effect, but the oddness of the question took Goten by surprise and he shifted and furrowed his brow, while looking at his father intently, more confused than nervous.

�Dende?�He told me that you and Vegeta had finished the bastard�but..� He remained pensive for a split second, seeming to ponder something before speaking again.

�He looked more serious than usual, but I didn�t pay much attention, I came here as fast as possible to celebrate your victory. But, what�s the matter?� Silence was the only response, and Goten scowled in slight irritation; but suddenly, faint moans reached his ears and he averted his piercing gaze from his hesitant father to lay incredulous eyes upon her mother.

�Mom, why are you crying?� His voice sounded soft and yet strained, permeated with unequivocal overtones of despair. But the woman stayed motionless, irresponsive, so immerse in her desolation that nothing else was relevant.

�Dad?�, he implored with impatience after interminable moments of tense silence.

�Goten, you should take a seat,� his father said, walking up to him and reaching out a hand to pat the young man�s shoulder. But that gesture, instead of soothing him, just served to unnerve him even more.

�I don�t want to sit, I want to know what the heck is going on.� He snapped loudly, fixing blazing, furious eyes in his father, who could only stare at him helplessly, unable to muster sufficient courage to speak frankly.

But it was his mother, who, suddenly snapping out of her trance, spun to face him, and with a frown of intermingled anger and agony, spluttered:

�Gohan is dead and this brainless coward does not even have the guts to tell you.�

Goku gawked, under a frown, at her cruelty, with incredulity and, also, a profound sorrow for his son; her grief was no excuse to such behavior, such ruthlessness. Even the most ferocious beast would die to save its offspring, but this woman didn�t care at all for her son�s feelings. It seemed as if the consuming anguish and rage for Gohan�s death had totally and utterly annihilated her humanity, leaving no trace of her maternal instincts.

Then something clicked inside Goku�s head, and for the first time, he could understand her, suddenly feeling a profound pity: She, Chichi, was not a woman, nor a wife, nor an individual per se; she had simply been Gohan�s mother, never showing such same - oppressive- love for Goten. Even before Gohan came to this world, since her most tender age; that was all she had wished, what she was born for. And now that Gohan was dead she had lost, along with her dreams, joy and hopes, her identity. Now she was nothing but an empty shell, a mere container of sorrow and hate.

�Chichi! Please, not like this�� Goku implored in a broken voice, while glancing sourly at the woman; but he immediately turned to look at his son, who had stayed speechless, bewildered, his mouth and eyes widely open in skeptical disbelief.

Goten looked intently at his father, �Dad, that�that cannot be true��, he trailed off with an infantile tone of voice, as he tried to convince himself that he was just in the middle of a bad dream.

An expressive silence was the only reply and Goten�s eyes began to well up.

Gohan, dead?�It was impossible, the sole idea was ludicrous, unbelievable.

But the expressions on his parents� faces told otherwise and he felt a crack deep within his heart. Gohan had been not only his brother, but also a father during the first seven years of his life. And suddenly a heartbreaking howl emerged from the depths of his soul, making all the walls tremble. �NOOOOO!�

He sensed Goku�s powerful but slightly trembling arms wrapped tightly around him, but this time he did not feel safe nor protected. His father shushed him, whispering tenderly his name, but such gesture was not comforting at all; it was nothing like in his childhood when every time he had a nightmare that soft and amorous voice swept his terror away lulling him to sleep.

All he was able to feel at that point was an inner cold, a sensation of abandonment; he was again a three year old, but this time lost and alone, without a shelter, without a home.

�Yes, he�s dead, my baby is gone, and it�s only his fault.�, Chichi snapped, pointing an accusatory finger at Goku, with her face glowing red and flooded with tears.

Goten replied furiously, brusquely disentangling himself from his father embrace to look face to face at his mother.

�No, no, no�how can you say something so cruel? You can�t blame my dad.�

�Shhh�It�s Ok, son, let it be.� Goku knew those words were only motivated by her excruciating heartache. �Your mother is right.� Sighing, he unconsciously uncurled his tail from his waist; the furry appendage swayed slowly and sadly, before hanging limply behind him, catching Chichi�s attention, and she flew into a rage again.

�You, freak��, she snarled, disgusted, then glared at her distraught son. �This sick monster forced your brother to fight, knowing Gohan didn�t like it. He just couldn�t leave him alone. Gohan only wanted to have a job and a nice life, never liked that madness. Unlike both of you, he wasn�t a sanguinary beast. So tell me, who�s the responsible of his death?�

Goku opened his mouth, he would not allow Chichi to insult her own son, but before he could say anything, Goten spoke, unable to contain his indignation.

�That�s not true! Gohan always fought to defend his friends and family because he knew it was the right thing. He was a hero and you�re dishonoring his memory with such false words. Gohan would never approve the way you�re treating my dad, he doesn�t deserve it.�

Chichi walked up to Goten and, frowning, snapped him in the face with all the force she could muster. Goten rubbed his cheek in silence, biting his lips, seemingly unable to get over his growing astonishment.

�Chichi!�, yelled Goku, this time in an almost authoritative tone; but paying him no heed, she looked daggers at her son.

�You stupid�Your father is just a scum, he should be the dead one, or better, both of you, but not my baby.� Then, after slapping him again, she dropped on her knees and started crying hysterically.

Goten, too hurt to reply to such cruel statement, and without even glancing at his father, just ran out and upstairs to Gohan�s room.
****************************
The distraught demi-saiyan stood by the doorway, not daring to come closer to the inert form on the bed and pressed his eyes tightly shut, shivering, as he tried to imagine himself like that: rigid, pale and cold, lying on that mattress, completely oblivious, insensible to the world around.

He could not help but to think that his mother was right, he should be the dead one. Gohan had been the smartest and strongest of the two, the good son, the caring one.

But he had been just a naughty, silly and lazy boy, wasting his time like a brainless adolescent who did not know what to do with his life. He had no vocation, no aspirations, no purpose.

But Gohan, on the contrary, was destined to do great things, he adored his job and was happy with his way of living. Science had always been Gohan�s passion; and immediately after his graduation Gohan had started working at CC. And he never ceased to talk about how stimulating and exciting was to work there, with Trunks. Gohan was fascinated with the ingenious and brilliant ideas of the CC. heir.

Damn! Gohan had tried to tell him about a new project he and Trunks had been working on; it had to be something really extraordinary and amazing for Gohan to seem so enthusiastic about it. But he had paid his elder brother no attention. Goten remembered, regretfully, to have yawned out of boredom and left flying through the window to hang out with one of his girlfriends.

Goten heaved a deep sigh, he did not remember when it had been the last time he and his brother had spent some time together in conversation, making confidences, sharing their problems and joys like they used to do when Goten was just a little kid.

Through clouded eyes, he gave a last look at Gohan, not wanting to stay there for any longer�No, that lifeless body was not his brother anymore. Gohan was that serene shine coming from curious eyes, that warm and understanding smile permanently gracing friendly features; brilliance and modesty, shyness and determination, patience, temperance, care...All gone forever.
Stifling a yelp, Goten walked out of the room, sitting on the landing at the top of the staircase where he could hear her mother insulting his father; her screams resounding all over the house. He covered his ears with the palm of his hands, pressing firmly, but to no avail; though he could not discern clearly the words; the unpleasant, piercing screeching reached his delicate ears with a vengeance.

He placed his hands on his lap in time to hear her mother telling his father to leave the house. Gotten clenched his fists in utter rage as his heart pounded violently, and he experienced for the first time what hatred really meant. She was smashing all his world to smithereens. Why was she being such a witch? Didn�t she know that it was precisely at such fateful moment when he needed his father more than ever? That he was the only balm to cure his broken heart?

When he saw his father tiredly heading toward the front door, Goten rose to his feet and ran down after him, unable to hold back his tears for any longer.
Goku was standing on the front lawn, his vacant gaze turned up to the dark blue firmament above, trying to find responses in the timid, early stars of the dying evening.

From the porch, Goten called him with tremulous voice, and Goku twisted to look at him. The boy looked so desolate, so terribly helpless, and Goku walked up to him; both men sitting on the wooden floor, sharing their sadness in silence.
**************************
Meanwhile Chichi had gone up to be with Gohan. She placed her hand on the doorframe for support, yelping and trembling at the sight of that formerly creamy skin now marred by purple expanses. After a deep breath, she walked with hesitant steps to lie down beside her son; and, holding tightly the limp form in her arms, she cried her heart out while planting desperate kisses all over the brutally injured face.

After a long while her loud, bitter crying abated and she watched that face in utter reverie and adoration, sweeping a lock of hair from her son's forehead with trembling fingers and feeling like dying inside. She shed some more tears, this time for herself, because her life had no meaning anymore.

She had only wanted to make true her most cherished dream: motherhood. Having been raised by his father, Chichi had never savored the unconditional love of a mother; she could only fantasize about how it would feel like, the sweetness of the caresses and kisses she so avidly yearned for.

Ox King had cosseted and spoiled her all her life, indulging her every whim; but she had always been imbued with the sensation of lacking something essential,

something which would have turned the world into the congruent place she guessed it should be. And that emotional void, that hunger for tender affection her father was

unable to provide, had awakened within her, at a very tender age, the desire to become a mother herself, so she could live through her children what providence had denied her.

But that, primarily, innocent and puerile wish, which had blossomed like a flower of hope in the midst of her heart; through solitary years had grown like weed, uncontrollably, deriving into an unhealthy obsession; and she had devoted all her energies and faculties, her whole self and existence to fulfill it at any price, willing to sacrifice everything else.

And when she first met Goku, Chichi had been dazzled, impressed at the young man�s qualities: his courage, strength, honesty and joy of living, and his undoubted physical attractiveness. Not that she had any romantic inclination for him, but those were the attributes she had always wanted her children to be graced with; and she decided, in that precise moment, he would be the father of her kids.

That was the only reason why she had trained so hard during those three years after Goku�s departure; she was well aware that her only chance to meet that boy again and to caught his attention was entering a world tournament of martial arts.
Chichi exhaled a regretful sigh, looking through glassy eyes the unanimated features of her son, as her mind led her, cruelly and obstinately, through that painful journey to her past. Certainly she got what she wanted, a son. And she had lived those first years of the boy�s childhood under a false illusion of perfect happiness. But sometimes, during long nights of insomnia in his solitary bedroom, she could felt the heavy weigh of loneliness abruptly descending upon her, nagging at her heart, awakening a deep yearn; and she spent long hours looking at the empty space on her mattress, wishing to have strong arms to embrace her, to dissipate the coldness from her futile existence.

Goku and she did not have a marital relationship, they both had agreed on that from the very beginning. She even had obliged her �official� husband to build their home in a secluded place, trying to keep him apart from all his friends, fearing they would discover the farce; being so strikingly obvious their mutual detachment, her indifference toward his �husband� and Goku�s disinterest on her.

But she spent years trying to persuade herself that everything was right, that she could live like that, ignoring and denying herself those- licit and natural in any healthy woman -carnal and sentimental appetites. But that dissatisfaction only widened that emotional gap within, which her in return tried to full by becoming more possessive of her child, an asphyxiating and overprotective mother. It was a vicious circle: the more frustrated as woman the more �castrating� as mother. Like a snowball becoming bigger and bigger in its way down, only leaving destruction behind: a devastated soul.

Her son had become more indispensable than the air she breathed, to survive, because she had renounced to anything else: It was her sun and her moon, the center of her universe, the only meaningful thing in her life; once that he had become real at last, a blissful little piece of life, her dear baby, it didn�t matter anymore to her to amaze the world by having the strongest of the kids; her only wish was to have him by her side, to feel him solely hers. That�s why she had refused categorically when Goku had suggested to start training the boy.

She had to recognize that Goku had been right when he had reproached her for making of his son an extremely timid and frightened child, and yes, she also recognized that the year her son had spent alone, �kidnapped� by that green �delinquent�, had serve to strengthen the child�s character. But if �the incident�, -as she used to referred to Raditz�s arrival- wouldn�t have turned their lives upside down, Gohan might be now a coward, but an alive one, and only hers.

She sighed, admitting to herself how terribly wrong she had been. Destiny should not be forced so abnormally, so desperately. If only she would have been patient enough to let life flow placidly, leisurely, at its natural pace, bringing its sweet fruits in their own time, when they were more delicious and gratifying; but her insane folly had led her to this desolate dead-end, cemetery of all her hopes and joys, where only the sour, revolting taste of bile awaited for her.

She should have made amends while she could; during that year she had been separated from her child, when the mirage of illusory happiness had vanished, chunked away by the ominous and powerful jaws of the crude reality, finally realizing that she was trapped in an existence she didn�t wanted anymore.

The idea of breaking a marriage which had been agonizing from the very beginning, to find a man who could give her true love and a real family, had crossed her mind more than once. But, victim of conventionalisms and repression, to her, divorce was not an option and she became more and more frustrated, developing a bitter resentment against Goku.

And when he was brought back to life, she just aggravated the situation by verbal and physical abusing him; the quarrels were continual, diary and she made sure to wait until Gohan returned from school to humiliate her husband in front of the child. She didn�t really believed her actions were out of malice, but of frustration. And Goku just put up with it, having more urgent and serious motives of preoccupation with the impending arrival of the androids.

And when the saiyan was killed again and announced his intention to remain in Otherworld forever, she thought that to be the solution to all her tribulations; she would be alone again with her son, without those obnoxious creatures her husband called friends, pestering around. There was no need to pretend anymore in front of them. It had been especially annoying to have to act as a plaintive, grief-stricken wife, worried sick for her ill husband when Goku had been affected by the heart virus, when in reality she felt nothing at all.

But only few days had passed after Goku�s death when she came to realize that Gohan was not her little baby anymore. Surely he still was a sweet and obedient son, but he was more independent as well, escaping to be with Piccolo and the rest of Goku�s friends whenever he had the chance, revealing in the console they provided; he missed so much his father and, being with the gang, the boy felt his father closer, almost as if he wasn�t really absent.

And then Chichi, instead of learning from her past wrongdoings just worsened matters by plotting another of her unfortunate ideas, or to be more precise, another of her deliriums.

She went to the clinic where still some samples of Goku�s seed were stored, to be inseminated again. She just wanted desperately to relive the joy from those first years of Gohan�s childhood, and now that Goku was not around she could raise the baby as she pleased. She was really convinced that things would be different this time.

But she became conscious, very soon, of her tremendous mistake. She was older, more bitter and disappointed with the world, and terribly alone; she needed help, and with a preteen son and a little baby it was almost impossible to find a man willing to commit.

The newly born was just a stranger, a nuisance, a burden instead of a joy; and her boundless obsession for her eldest, which filled her heart completely, was a hindrance for establishing deep and true ties of affection with anybody else; even if that anybody was flesh of her flesh and blood of her blood.

Chichi�s detachment for Goten deepened as the boy grew, mostly because his great resemblance with his father, not only in his physical appearance, but in his character and personality either; the boy was so intrepid, independent, carefree and wild. She could not feel any affection for him, just the same resentment and coldness Goku had roused in her, a little more temperate, but sufficient to make their lives miserable.
Incessant tears, as sour as her somber contemplations, streamed down her face, dripping on Gohan�s shirt, and, for an instant, she could only watch almost mesmerized how the wet spot became bigger. Then she closed her eyes, nuzzling and snuggling against the inert form.

She knew she had been unfair and unnecessarily cruel to Goten; she was the only culprit of her misery. All her life had been nothing but a tortuous descent, a long succession of failures and unfortunate mistakes, each of them a step down to her self-concocted hell in which now she found herself irremediably imprisoned, awaiting until blissful death came to release her.

Some spasms wracked her body before she ran out of tears. But finally, her practical side took control again over her emotions; she had to keep busy herself to forget the intense pain and the desperation gnawing at the remains of her heart.

So she hopped out of the bed and, after stripping the corpse, went to retrieve a bottle of medicinal alcohol and a sponge, proceeding to clean and prepare the body in the traditional way. She would take care of her son properly, like she had always done.
****************
Meanwhile, Goten and Goku had been watching quietly as the vast expanse above their heads got darker and the sun was slowly swallowed by the golden skyline. Goku, putting an arm around his son�s shoulder, was the first to broke the serene silence.

�Goten, son, your mother�s too hurt, I�m certain she regrets everything she said.� His voice sounded weak, insecure; he didn�t believe in his own words, but didn�t know what else to do to comfort the boy.

Goten chuckled skeptically and shrugged, �She really meant it father, I know.�

�Goten�� Goku sighed, lost for words.

�No, dad, it�s true. I have always known, she always was so distant and harsh with me, while Gohan got all her attention and love. I�m not complaining, just stating an obvious fact.� Goten tilted his head to look into his father�s eyes, as a sad smile tugged at his lips.

�I haven�t forgotten your surprise at knowing that my mother had been training me while you were dead, or the astounded look on your friends� faces. All of you were persuaded, delighted, that she had changed for better; someone even said that time had dulcified her temper�, Goten let out a sarcastic snicker as Goku nodded his head in mute response.

�They should have been here at home, when I was alone with her; all the horrible things she said, the yells, the insults and the smacks; always angry at me because I was so alike you.� Goten�s voice was low, quiet, almost a whisper, matching the calmness of the nature around, but Goku could feel the overtones of despair and the intensity of the bitterness contained in those words.

�Son, I�m�I�m so sorry for being so selfish. I should have been here for you.�

�It�s ok, dad, you didn�t even know about my existence. And Gohan always was there, standing up for me and for you. He always gave me all the affection I was denied by her, so it wasn�t such bad.�

Goten exhaled a barely audible sigh, his voice trembling slightly as he pronounced his brother�s name, with his eyes fixed on the ground, before speaking again, �Do you want to know why she really trained me? She didn�t want Gohan to fight; she told me we shouldn�t let Gohan to be exposed to any peril; whenever a new enemy appeared I should deal with them. I was so na�ve that I felt my heart explode with pure joy, thinking that, for once, she was so proud of me, to the point to trust me with such honor. It wasn�t until much later when I finally understood the real significance of her words: if someone had to die that should be me, not my brother.�

�Son��

�Don�t worry, dad. I can live with that. But now, without Gohan�I wouldn�t know how to keep on going if you leave me too. She has no right to dump you. Damn, she�s your wife; how does she dare?� Goku looked at him frowning, he had never saw his son so enraged, and he did not like it; such negative feelings against his mother would do no good to either of them.

�Goten, don�t blame her, please.� Goku spoke using a conciliatory tone of voice hoping, that way, to appease the young man.

Then he went quiet, doubting for a brief instant whether or not to tell Goten about his agreement with Chichi; should he explain him that she was just a frustrated woman, victim of a compulsion stronger than her willpower, which had conditioned her whole existence, hence the wrong decisions she had taken in order to reach what any other human being so legitimately sought: their deserved portion of happiness? But he decided against it. It wasn�t the moment for such revelations and definitively it would not help Goten to understand her mother�s behavior.

So he simply pulled his son against him, holding him tightly, sensing how the boy trembled; his breath becoming steady, as his rage lessened. Goku felt a few warm tears dropping on his bare chest and he stroked Goten�s hair soothingly.

�But, this is your home too. Please, stay, I need you.� It was heartbreaking to see her son like that and not being able to grant his desperate request, but he had no other choice.

�No Goten, she�s right I will only bring you disgrace and pain. I must leave.�

�No, that�s not true. Let me go with you.� His sobs were getting louder and louder and his body had started to convulse in incessant spasms, unable to contain for any longer all those painful emotions which had been building up since he came back home.

�Shh, Goten, you must stay. She needs you.� Goten went limp in his father�s arms, feeling his mind go numb. He was unable to understand any of his father�s words; why was he rejecting his own son, compelling him to stay with a woman who hated him, who wanted him dead? Had the man gone crazy all of a sudden? And why did his chest hurt so bad? He could only gasp, raising his eyes to look, in shocked disbelief, at his father.

�Why?� He knitted his brow while Goku stared him back with a perplexed expression on his face, �Why should I care about her needs? And mine, father? Who cares about what I need? You�re going to run away like always, leaving others behind to take care of the mess.�

Goten resumed his hysterical crying, repented the very moment his harsh reproach escaped from his lips and he clung tightly to his father, nuzzling apologetically against his chest. Goku just let him vent all his pain, meanwhile kissing and caressing his hair softly.

Few minutes passed before the demi-saiyan, a little more composed, murmured a quiet �sorry�. Goku cupped Goten�s chin with his hand to look him in the eyes; the young man flushed, ashamed of his outburst and, after wiping his teary eyes with the back of his hand, he held his father�s stare.

�It�s Ok, son. I would stay if I could, but that�s impossible right now. You know how unstable your mother can become, she is capable to do something too extreme, so please, I need you to do this for me, son; watch over her.� His father�s eyes were full of remorse and Goten just nodded his head in silent agreement.

�And I�m not going to disappear from your life, I promise. Once the funeral takes place you can come to see me whenever you want; but for now your mother cannot stay alone.�

�But what are you going to do? Where are you going to stay?� Goku smiled sadly at the concerned tone of his son�s voice, ruffling the young man�s hair.

�Don�t worry, I�ll be fine. I�ve lived by my own before. I will have you know where I am staying. And very soon we�ll meet again, now I need some time alone to ponder things. Ok?�

Goten assented, resigned, and standing upon shaky legs he bid his farewell; Goku remained immobile and pensive under the stars, watching as his son staggered toward the tiny house; feeling so insignificant, so worthless and lonesome there outside, in that big, cold world.
TBC
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Damaged Souls