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Mirrors of Yesterday	By : ZaKai Category: Fullmetal Alchemist > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1942 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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-

Mirrors of Yesterday

II

Illusion of Truth

-

Ed�s mind
floated back to the surface of consciousness and he opened his eyes.� He�d dozed off, but he was sure he hadn�t
been asleep for more than a couple hours.�
Turning his head, he saw that the candle was almost spent, and that
Mustang was laying his head down on the desk.

He smiled
a little at the image.� It was one he�d
seen more than once at the office in the late afternoon.� With a sigh, Ed got out of the bed and moved
to Mustang�s side.� He picked up the
bottle and took note of how much more was gone, then put it down and studied
the man.�

Ed hadn�t
known Mustang drank so much; and in a way, he suddenly thought he could relate
to him that much better.� He�d drunk a
lot too after his wife died...� He still
drank more than Al thought was needed, but at least he wasn�t drunk all the
time anymore.� He�d been able to lose
himself in his work at the university and in his research.

Mustang�s
arm was reached out across the desk, his hand wrapped around a half-full
glass.� Without thinking, Ed picked the
glass up and downed the contents before placing it next to the bottle.� Turning his attention back to the younger
man, Ed decided that Mustang would sleep better in the bed, and since Ed was
the older one, it was his responsibility to make sure Mustang was taken care of.� That was how he was with Al; it just seemed
right to take care of those younger than himself.�

�Hey,� he
said quietly.� When he got no response,
Ed rubbed Mustang�s back roughly.� �Hey,
wake up.�

Mustang
groaned and sat up slowly.� One of the
papers stuck to his cheek for a moment before falling lightly back onto the
desk.� The colonel gazed blearily up at
him through skewed glasses and blinked owlishly.

�Fullmed�l?� Mustang slurred.� �What�r
you doin� heere?�

�You
brought me here, remember?� Ed said softly.�
�Remember the bookstore?�

The
colonel looked confused for a moment before his eyes widened slightly in
remembrance.� �Ooooh...
�Yeah, I �member,� he mumbled and started
to lay his head back down on the desk.

�Hey,� Ed
said, stopping him.� �Why don�t you come sleep on the bed?�

Mustang
studied him through bloodshot eyes, and said, a little less slurred, �You
sure?� Seemed you wouldn�t want...�

�Yeah,
it�s fine,� Ed said, cutting him off.� �Better than you sleeping here.� It will catch up to you when you�re older...�

�Almost
funny coming from you,� Mustang half mumbled and rubbed at his face�skewing the
glasses a bit before taking them off and setting them on one of the folders.�

Ed moved
to the side of the desk so that the colonel could get up.� Absentmindedly, he poured more of the alcohol
into the glass and drank it while trying not to watch the man get
undressed.� It just wouldn�t be polite to
watch...

He heard
Mustang settle himself into the bed, then, �You can sleep here too.� It won�t bother me.�

Ed
fingered the glass while he thought about it.�
The last time he�d slept with another male, besides his brother, was
when he�d needed to share a bed with Alfons Heiderich... and sometimes when he hadn�t needed to share a bed with
Alfons...� Ed frowned and tried to
justify that to himself.� It had been a
hard time for them both and sometimes it had been nice to have human contact.� They�d been good friends just finding some
small comfort in the embrace of another human being...

At the
memory of his deceased friend, Ed gulped down the rest of the alcohol as if
that would make the pain in his heart go away.�
He missed Alfons so much...� Why
did it seem like most of the people he cared for, died?� It wasn�t a pleasant thought, and he worked
to push it away and bring his mind back to the present.� He could
share the bed with Mustang, but they were both grown men�he and Alfons had been
so young, boys really�and... well...

He
sighed.� It was better than the floor, he
supposed.� Setting the glass down, Ed
blew out the candle and moved cautiously around to the other side of the
bed.� Staring down at the bed, Ed
hesitated getting in.� It wasn�t just
that Mustang was a male, that wasn�t exactly
what was bothering him�thought it did seem an odd thing for two grown men to do
unless absolutely necessary�it was... well... it had just been a long time
since he�d slept in the same bed as anyone at all...

�You just
going to stand there?� came the voice from the
darkness.

Gently
chewing on his lip, Ed quickly made the decision, then slipped under the covers
and laid his head on the pillow.� It was
then that he realized...� �There�s only
one pillow,� he said, revealing the obvious.

�You can
have it,� Mustang said tiredly.

Ed rolled
over onto his side and made a �hmm� sound.� The alcohol was taking effect and he was
starting to feel rather nice.� �It�s your
pillow.� You should have it.�

�It
doesn�t matter to me,� came the response.

Ed
frowned, trying to find a solution to the problem, then
said, �Fine.� How about we share it?�

There was
a pause, then a hesitant, �You sure...?�

�Yeah...�
Ed said, his inhibitions lessened given the
comfortable buzz.

Scooting
the pillow over, he rested his head on one half while Mustang took the
other.� Their bodies weren�t touching,
but they were definitely very close and Ed suddenly wondered just how undressed
Mustang was...

Feeling a
little uncomfortable, Ed said, �I kick.�

�So do I,� Mustang muttered.

�Yeah,
but one of my legs isn�t real,� Ed pointed out.

�Don�t
worry, I�ll be sure to kick the one that is,� Mustang replied dryly.

To this,
Ed couldn�t help but smile for a moment before letting it slip away.� �My wife used to complain about my limbs...� he
said softly, the alcohol loosening his tongue.�
She hadn�t liked it when Ed took the automail off to sleep because it
freaked her out, but she didn�t like it when he kept them on either.

There was
a moment of silence, then a surprised, �You�re married?�

�No...�
Ed answered softly.� �Not any more.� She... she died.�

�I�m
sorry...�

�It�s
okay.� It�s been years now, and we
weren�t married that long,� Ed explained.

�You
don�t sound alright,� Mustang said, and Ed realized that his own voice had
taken on an emotional quality.� He
cleared his throat.� Sounding emotional
was the last thing he wanted, but with being so tired and with the alcohol...

�It�s
just... I guess it�s just my lot in life to be left alone...� Ed explained, and
felt stupid for getting into this.� �I
mean, I did love my wife, but...�� He
shook his head.� �We were better friends
than lovers,� he explained.� Oh yes,
they�d had the best conversations, and she�d been witty and smart, but when it
came to them as husband and wife...

There was
silence for a long time before Ed said, �How come you never got married?�� More silence.�
�I mean,� Ed said, feeling a little embarrassed
that he was prying into the man�s personal life.� �You seemed to date a lot and women fawned
over you quite often...� At least from
what I remember...�

There was
silence for a long time and Ed had finally begun to think the man was asleep
when he heard, �The women were�are�mostly informants and people in my
networking system.� I use them to get
messages to people and they use them to get messages to me.� The dates aren�t romantic in nature.�

�Oh,� Ed
said, feeling a little stupid now.� He�d
always thought Mustang was such a playboy...�
�But, you could find women to
go out with, right?� I�ve seen the way
women look at you.� You can�t say that none of them were romantic in nature.�

�I dated
a couple of them, but not seriously,� Mustang explained, his words sounding a
little forced.

�Maybe
you should work less and take one of those adoring women out seriously,� Ed
said.� �You�re not getting any
younger.� You don�t want to be...�� His voice caught in his throat.� �...alone...� A pause while he swallowed. ��...when you�re older, do you?�

�It�s not
my work that�s the problem,� Mustang said quietly.

Ed waited
for more, but when nothing came he asked, �Then what is the problem?�� He waited
silently for the man to gather his thoughts.�
While this wasn�t generally one of his strong points, Ed was great at
listening and opening up to people when he�d been drinking,
and it seemed that Mustang was the same way.�

�I don�t...� I don�t really like women...� Mustang said
hesitantly.

�Eh...?� Don�t like women?� You and Hawkeye seem to get along pretty
well...� Ed said, feeling a bit confused.

�That�s
not what I�� Mustang started, then made a sound of exasperation, before grunting,
�Never mind.�

Ed
frowned and glanced at the man through the darkness as his mind worked to
process all of this through the alcohol and make sense of it.� When the answer came, Ed almost rejected it
immediately.

�You
don�t mean...� Ed asked cautiously.� �You
like... eh... um...�� He flushed.� That just wasn�t something you asked
someone.� It wasn�t... well, it wasn�t normal.�
He�d heard of people like that, but he�d never actually met one...

He felt
Mustang stiffen beside him, then, �Apparently, I�ve had too much to drink.� I�m going to sleep now.� Good night.�

Ed laid
there, his mind still reeling from this new information.� He�d always thought of those kinds of people
as, well... odd.� Society painted a
picture of them as evil and depraved individuals who would take you against
your will and have their way with you, and... and... well, stuff like that...

Clearing
his throat, Ed asked uneasily, �You�re not going to molest me in my sleep, are
you?�

�For the
love of...� Mustang exclaimed.� Throwing
the covers off of himself, he started getting out of the bed.�

�Where
are you going?� Ed asked, then realized it was a dumb
question.� He could recognize insult when
he saw it.

�I�ll
sleep on the floor,� Mustang answered irritably.

Reaching
out, Ed grabbed a hold of the man�s bare shoulder.� �Wait.�
There�s not much room on the floor with the couch folded out into a
bed.� If you want, I�ll sleep on the
floor.� I�m a lot smaller than you
are.�� At that, Mustang turned his head
and Ed could faintly see the man�s quizzically amused look.�

�What?�
Ed asked defensively, then realized as a teenager, or even a young man in his
early twenties, he never would have called himself �small� so offhandedly.

�I guess
you really have matured...� Mustang murmured softly.

�Well,
gee, thanks,� Ed growled, trying not to feel offended.

Mustang
shook his head.� �I don�t care if you sleep in the same bed with me, but you obviously do...�

�I don�t
really care,� Ed said, quickly cutting him off.�
He didn�t want to fight with Mustang.�
It reminded him too much of when his wife had been alive...� Most of their fights had been in bed.� Of course, their fights had never been
resolved before they went to sleep, so waking up had always been stressful and
awkward for Ed.� He had no desire to repeat
that here with Mustang, especially when this wasn�t even his home and he was
staying here by Mustang�s invitation.�
�It was just a dumb question.� I
just...�� Ed looked down in an effort to
find the right words.� He hadn�t meant to
offend, it had just come out.� �I�ve just
never met someone... eh... like you.�

Very eloquent, Ed, he thought sarcastically to
himself, but he couldn�t help it.�
Finding himself in the same bed with a man like that, who was barely
clothed... well, it really did make
him uncomfortable...� �I... can I ask you
some questions, so that I can understand better?�� Ed cringed, thinking he sounded like a
curious child, but he�d always been one to try understanding things he didn�t
know.�

Mustang
stared at him quietly for a long time before turning his head away.� Ed looked at the man�s back through the
darkness, thinking that it was too late.�
He�d already messed up, and there was no going back...�

�Sure,�
Mustang finally murmured.� Turning, the
man resumed his place under the blanket, but didn�t say anything.�

Ed lay
there, again sharing the pillow with the man, and this time he felt their
proximity acutely.� He wasn�t sure what
to say.� He had so many questions, but
how did you ask someone to explain why they liked having sex with someone of
their own gender?� Where did you
start?� How could you know what would and
would not offend someone?� How could such
questions be asked without creating embarrassment for both of them?

�Um...
so...� Ed started, then paused to clear his throat.� �Where do you, um, eh... go to find other
people like you?� he asked, then said quickly, �To date, you know.� I mean since you don�t like women.�

�I don�t
know,� Mustang said quietly.� �This isn�t
exactly something you advertise, and I don�t devote a lot of time to trying to
find people with the same tastes.�

Of course
it wasn�t.� Ed felt so stupid for even
asking that question.� �Sounds...
lonely,� Ed said finally, unsure what else to say.

�It is,�
Mustang said, his voice laced with pain.

Ed was
silent for a moment, then asked, �Um... Have you
ever... well, you know... with another guy?��
Blood rushed to his face and he felt his cheeks grow hot.

�No,�
Mustang said flatly.

�Does
that mean you�re a virgin?� Ed asked.�
He�d been so surprised by the answer that he hadn�t even stopped to
think about the question.� He instantly
felt like an inconsiderate jerk, and felt even more embarrassed because of it.

�No, I�ve
had sex with a couple women,� Mustang said in irritation.� Ed cringed a little.� He supposed he�d be defensive about being
asked that too.

�Is that
how you know you don�t like women?� Ed asked curiously.�

�No.� I had sex with them because I wanted to try
being normal for once.� It didn�t work
out very well.�� He paused.� �No, I�ve known for a long time...� It�s not... it�s not all about sex, Ed.� People �like me� want to have a relationship
just like �normal� people.� Does that
make sense?�

�I guess,
but how... I mean, I don�t know...�� Ed
scrubbed at his hair, not sure what he wanted to say.� �It�s not like you can have any kids, and
well... I don�t know... Men and women, they fit
together, if you get my meaning.� Two
women they can�t... and two men... they�re not meant to...�� Ed�s cheeks burned at the mental images.� Sex just wasn�t a topic he ever discussed
with anyone.� Even with his wife, it
hadn�t been...

�You�re
still hung up on the sex part, aren�t you?� Mustang asked in wry amusement.

Ed�s face
grew hotter and was glad the room was dark.�
�Well, yeah.� I mean, I can
understand how two men or two women might get along well, but to have it be
more than friendship you have to have sex, right?�

�It�s not
like you to be so narrow minded, Ed,� Mustang said in an offhand manner.� �Do you really think there�s only one way to
have sex?� Did you only have sex in one
way with your wife?�

Ed
frowned.� �Actually, yes, when we had sex...�

�When?�
Mustang asked.

�Her
parents were these religious fanatics that taught sex was only for creating
offspring and that it was evil to enjoy it.�
She wouldn�t even try to like it; she just wanted me to... eh... do my
thing so that we could have kids,� Ed said suddenly feeling a little humiliated
at this line of discussion.

�Well...
that�s... unfortunate...� Mustang said hesitantly, sounding unsure of how to
react.� �And did you have any kids?�

�No,� Ed
answered dully.� �We didn�t try very
hard.� It was kind of a sore point in our
relationship.� She didn�t like it, and so
we just didn�t do it often...� But everything
else was pretty good.� We were good
friends and she was interested in science and...� Ed trailed off.� He felt like he was making excuses for his
failed sex life.

�You must
have spent a lot of time pulling yourself,� Mustang mused.

Ed�s eyes
widened and his cheeks heated even more.�
�That�s really not something you talk about...� he choked, thoroughly
mortified.

�Well, as
long as you get to delve into my sex life, I don�t see why I can�t do the
same.� It is equivalent after all.�

�Since
you don�t get any either, I�m sure you do the same,� he said in a childish attempt
to make the man just as embarrassed as he was.

�Of
course,� Mustang said as if it was no big deal.�
�For someone your age, you�re pretty skittish about this subject,� the
colonel mused.

�Has
nothing to do with my age,� Ed muttered.

There was
silence for a while before Mustang asked, �Why haven�t you remarried?�

�I don�t
know...� Ed whispered and shifted slightly.�
It was a lie, really.� He had
plenty of reasons why he didn�t want to start another relationship...

�I
wouldn�t think that it would be hard for someone with your good looks to find
someone,� Mustang said.

�I�m not
really good looking...� Ed said automatically.�

�You
are,� Mustang affirmed.

�My body
is scarred and ugly, and my height is a definite turn off for most woman...�� He
paused.� �No, I�m not good looking at
all...�� It was true.� His wife�s eyes had said it all that first
night they�d been together.� She�d known
of his limbs before, yet actually having to see where the metal pieces joined
to his skin, to actually have to see the scars...�

Ed closed
his eyes and tried to ward off the stinging in his eyes and nose that was the
telltale signs of tears.� The look of
disgust in her eyes had said it all, and there were times in their marriage
that Ed had wondered if her lack of sexual drive had to do with him more than the fact that she didn�t
like the act itself.

The bed creaked a little as Mustang shifted, and Ed opened his eyes
to see the younger man lean on one of his elbows and look down at him.� �You are
good looking.�

Ed
swallowed hard at the compliment, then looked
away.� He felt embarrassed to be
complemented so freely, but to be told that by another man... and Mustang...?!� �Maybe you think so, but what good does that
do me?� You�re a man,� Ed said.� His chest felt tight and it was hard to get
the breath to make the words come out right.

�Perhaps
women aren�t for you,� Mustang suggested quietly.

Ed
glanced at him for a moment in shocked revulsion, then said harshly, �Oh
please...� before looking away again.�
Have a relationship with a man?�
Have sex with a man?� It just wasn�t right.� Everyone knew it was wrong...� How could Mustang even suggest such a thing?

Yet...
Mustang had said something to him that no one else had, not even his wife, and
it made him at least consider the idea.� What
would it be like to have a man touch him, or kiss him, or hold him...?� How would it be different than a woman?� In what ways?

Ed
swallowed hard and whispered hoarsely, �Do you... do you really think I�m good
looking?�� It was embarrassing to ask,
but for some reason it was important to know if the man had been sincere.�

There was
an uncomfortable moment of silence before Mustang answered in a slightly
shaking voice, �I think...� I think
you�re beautiful...�

The words
stunned him for a moment, and he tried to comprehend them.� Beautiful?� He
was beautiful?!� His breath came in heavy
gasps as he tried to keep control of his emotions.� All he could think of was how his wife had
looked at him whenever he was naked, and of how others had looked at him when
they�d seen the false limbs...� No, he
wasn�t beautiful... he was disgusting, and everyone knew it...

�I think
you need to put your glasses back on,� Ed whispered tightly, then said
bitterly, �Or maybe being a faggot has played with your mind.�

There was
a sharp intake of breath from Mustang�s direction, and Ed instantly regretted
his words.� His eyes began to sting
again, and his body began to shake as he tried to hold in all the mixed
emotions inside of him.�

He was
sickened by the idea of being with another man; yet, no woman had ever told him
he was beautiful.� No one had ever spoken
to him in a way that was obvious they were attracted to him, that they wanted
him...� No one besides Mustang, and he
was no woman...

Ed
gripped the bedding and pressed it close to his mouth, as if that would keep
everything in.� The silence in the room
was heavy and Ed was sure the younger man must be angry, or at the very least,
offended...� And what did he care if he
was?� What did it matter?� Ed would just... �He�d just... �He�d just what?� Go somewhere else?� Where would he go?� He had no idea how he�d gotten here in the first
place.

He turned
his head slightly, and saw out of the corner of his eye that Mustang was still
there, still leaning on his elbow, still looking at him...� His face held a wounded expression, but he
said nothing.

Why do I always get into fights
when I�m in bed with someone? Ed wondered.�
Perhaps beds were cursed for him.�
Perhaps he should just give up sleeping in a bed and always sleep on a
couch or on the floor.� It was stupid,
but that�s how he felt at the moment.

Swallowing
hard, Ed whispered uncomfortably, �Look...�
I�m sorry...�� He didn�t want to
fight, and as hard as it was to admit, the complement had meant a lot...� When there was no answer, Ed turned fully to
look at Mustang.� �I shouldn�t have said
that...� I just...� Ed fumbled with the
words, trying to come up with the right thing to say.� �It�s just that no one ever...�� His voice caught and he looked away.

Ed
pressed his lips together as he realized just how much it must have taken out
of the younger man to say that.� It had
taken Ed forever to confess any sort of feelings toward his wife when they�d
only been friends, and she was a female.�
It was normal.� How much more would it take to be able to say
that to someone who you knew didn�t share those same views?

Glancing
over at Mustang again, Ed swallowed and said, �I really am sorry.� I...�
Thank you...�� Mustang looked
deeply into his eyes for a while, then nodded
silently.� Again, Ed was struck with how young Mustang looked.� Perception was everything, Ed supposed.� When he�d been a teenager, Mustang had looked
like an old man; yet now Ed couldn�t miss all the features that had once made
Hawkeye say that Mustang had a �baby face�.

Ed
considered Mustang and all that they had talked over again, then
let out his breath.� �I�m... well, I
really don�t know what to think... or... well, even how to act,� he said
awkwardly.

�You
don�t have to do anything,� Mustang answered quietly.� �I shouldn�t have said what I did,
but...�� The man looked away and
continued.� �I do find you attractive, and I�d already let things slip about
myself that I shouldn�t have, so I just thought...�� A pause.� �Maybe if you knew, it would strike your
curiosity.� You always were too damn
curious, and I thought... well, that maybe you�d want to at least see what it
was like...�

�So you
weren�t just saying it to be nice,� Ed mumbled, feeling slightly upset and
strangely disappointed.� �I should have
known...�

Mustang
sat up, letting the blanket and sheet fall to his waist, and crossed his legs
under the blanket.� �No, Ed.� No...� he said quickly, trying to defend himself, then raked his fingers through his hair.�

�No?� Ed
asked, anger creeping into his voice.�
�As I recall, you were always trying to manipulate me so that you could
get what you wanted.� Why should this be
different?�

Mustang
worked his mouth for a moment, then finally shut it and looked down in his
lap.� �I�m not always trying to
manipulate you,� he said finally.� �I
want what was best for you.�

Ed sat up
as well and looked pointedly at the other man.�
�So you�re trying to tell me that you never manipulated me or my brother
for your own gains?� he asked, skepticism threading through his voice.

�You�re
a... you were a kid, Ed,� Mustang said in frustration.� �A stubborn brat who didn�t know what was best for him.� I wanted... want... to help you.� I do what I can to help you.�

The phone
conversation came back to Ed and he knew that what the man was saying was true,
but he couldn�t stop himself from saying, �So, you trying to manipulate my
feelings right now was supposed to help me?�

�I wasn�t
trying to...� Mustang began, but Ed cut him off.

�Come
on.� Be straight with me.� Why don�t you just say it outright?� Don�t bandy words, don�t beat around the
bush, just say it straight out,� Ed demanded.

Mustang�s
face contorted into a frustrated scowl.� �Alright.� Fine.� What do you
want me to say?�

�I want
you to admit that you were just manipulating me to make me want to have sex
with you.�� Ed�s face burned with what
he�d just said, but he was also angry to think Mustang would play with him like
that�angry with himself that even though he was older, he�d still fallen for
it...

Mustang
studied him for a moment, then said in a slightly
amused tone, �So it all comes back to that.�

Ed
blinked.� �What are you talking about?�
he asked in surprise.

Mustang
shook his head and said, �You�re afraid.�

�What?�
Ed said, totally taken aback.

�You�re
afraid,� he repeated softly.� �You�re
afraid of me because I�m different, and this is how you�re handling it.� You want to be angry with me because you�re
afraid to admit that you just might
be curious.�� Ed opened his mouth to
protest, but Mustang overrode him.� �I
wasn�t trying to manipulate you; if I was, you probably wouldn�t have even
noticed.�

Mustang
stopped and gave Ed an offended look before going on.� �I was
being honest with you.� After all, what
more do I have to lose?� Is it so wrong
of me to hope that you just might want me too?�
Is it so wrong of me to want you to be curious enough to at least let me
hold you?��

Ed
swallowed hard.� He�d rarely ever seen
such intense emotion from Mustang, and when he had, it had been because he�d
been angry...� This was anger, but it was
also woven with something else...

�You�ve
been married.� You�ve at least had
someone.� Is it really wrong of me to
want to have something like that, even if it�s for one night?� Yes, I do want to be intimate with you, but
it�s not only that.� I�d be happy just to
hold you...�� He paused, then
whispered, �Like I said, it�s not all
about sex...�

They
looked at each other for several quiet moments, then
finally Mustang covered his face with one of his hands and let his head
drop.� He stayed that way for several moments
before whispering, �Let�s not talk about it anymore, Ed.� I�m tired, you�re tired, we�ve both been
drinking...� Let�s just go to sleep and
just forget this happened, alright?�

Ed opened
his mouth to say something, then closed it when he
realized nothing he�d have to say would help.�
He remained silent as Mustang laid back down, turned around with his
back to him, and scooted to the edge of the bed.

This was
a side of Mustang that Ed had never seen before.� It was so... personal...� Ed had long ago thrown away the notion that
adults were always in control of their emotions.� Growing up had done a lot for his perception
of how people worked, yet still it was so hard to imagine Roy Mustang not being
the picture of complete calm or not being a manipulative bastard.�

This,
right here, was the real Mustang, the
one behind the fa�ade.� He was neither
lazy, nor a manipulative son-of-a-bitch bastard.� He wasn�t always calm, he wasn�t a playboy or
a ladies man, and he wasn�t just using him for his own gains...

No, the
real Roy Mustang was a hardworking man who wanted to help two little boys meet
a goal, but didn�t want to get too close to them for reasons Ed didn�t know.� This was a man who�d barely had a love life
and was practically a virgin except for a few random encounters because he had
an attraction to things that society deemed as wrong.� He was a man, an adult, but he still had
feelings, still had hopes, still had dreams.� He still feared how people would view him if
he was seen for who he was, and he still felt
lonely...�

Ed
suddenly felt ashamed of himself.� He,
too, feared how people would view him if they knew him; and he, too, felt
lonely...� He felt lonely all the
time...� Al, with his wife and children,
were his only family now, and though they sometimes visited, and he visited
them, it wasn�t the same.� His own wife
was gone, yet even when she�d been alive, he�d felt lonely at times because
she�d never, truly, accepted him for who he was.

He let
his eyes travel over Mustang�s form in the dimness.� Was society right?� Was what Mustang wanted wrong?� Ed frowned deeply as he thought about how
society in the other world considered people like him, people who�d had to get
false limbs.� Society looked down on him
and some people even hated him, and thought of him with disgust...

Was it
all just prejudice then?� Was it okay for
two men or two women to have what society only deemed worthy for two people of different
sex?� Ed swallowed hard.� Was it wrong for him to be happy that someone
thought he was beautiful, even if it was another man?� Was it okay to love even if everyone else
said it was wrong...��

Sinking
back under the covers, Ed laid his head on the pillow.� His eyes were locked on Mustang�s back as he
tried to decide what to do.� Would it be
horribly wrong for them to hold each other�Roy wasn�t the only one who longed for
physical closeness�or would it be a sin against nature?�

Sins, Ed
knew well.� Ed had sinned plenty of times
in his life.� If it was a sin, then would
one more really matter?� He pressed his
lips together in thought and tried to figure out the best course of
action.� His heart beat heavily in his
chest and his breathing quickened in nervous apprehension at the thought of
going ahead with what Mustang wanted.

Taking a
deep breath, Ed scooted a little closer on the bed.� He slowly reached his hand out and touched
Mustang�s shoulder gently.� The immediate
response of the man stiffening under his touch let Ed know that he was still
awake.�

Slowly,
Ed moved closer until their bodies were almost touching, then whispered, �I
know what it�s like to be alone...�� He
paused, then, �But this...�� He let his
fingers gently ghost along Mustang�s shoulder and upper arm.� �Not with a woman... I don�t understand
this...�� He stopped and laid his palm
flat against the man�s shoulder and pulled on it to get him to lay on his back.� For
a moment, Mustang resisted, then finally let Ed move
him.� When he saw Mustang�s face, he felt
even more ashamed.

This
close, Ed could see that the younger man�s eyes were wet and that his cheeks
were damp.� Mustang gave him a look of
hurt reproach, but said nothing.� Yes,
Roy Mustang was definitely human, much more than Ed had ever believed.� Slowly, Ed moved his hand from Mustang�s arm
and took his face in one hand, wiping at his cheek with his thumb.� Shame filled the man�s eyes and he looked
way.�

�Mustang...�
Ed began, then stopped when he was interrupted.

�Roy...�

�What?�
Ed asked.

�You can
call me �Roy�,� he said softly.�
��Mustang� is too...� he trailed off, but Ed understood.� It was too formal.� Permission to use his given name was much
more intimate...

Ed took a
deep breath and began again, �Roy...�� He stopped, trying to gather his
thoughts.� Through the wetness, Ed could
feel little bits of stubble where his hand was on Mustang�s... Roy�s... cheek.� There had never been stubble on his wife�s
cheek, but other than that, this was almost the same.� It didn�t really seem different...

He opened
his mouth, then closed it when he realized that
nothing he could say would be enough.� Ed
knew he wasn�t eloquent.� He didn�t have
a way with words.� That wasn�t his
talent.� Finally, he decided not to say
anything at all.� Slowly, he moved his
other arm under Roy�s
neck and slid his hand from his cheek to his other shoulder and pulled him in
tight.�

As the
minutes dragged on, Ed could feel Roy�s
breathing grow more shallow and quick, and then there was a small sniffle
before the younger man turned in Ed�s hold, snaked his arm around Ed�s body,
and buried his head in his chest.

Roy�s body quivered slightly and
after a few minutes Ed could feel wetness seep through his thin undershirt and
make contact with his skin.� Besides that,
and Roy tightening his grip on him, there was no other indication that there
was anything wrong; nothing to say that Roy Mustang was crying, but he was...

Ed laid
his cheek on Roy�s head and rubbed the man�s back, and he realized that, to a
point, he could empathize�he knew loneliness, and the phantom physical ache of
not having someone there to hold or to be held by�yet, Roy had been right.� Ed had at least known what it was like to
have someone.� It hadn�t been great, but
at least he�d had that experience.� He�d
also never gone through life knowing that society viewed what he wanted in a
mate unnatural.

After a
long while, how long Ed couldn�t say, Roy
finally pulled away and looked at him with tired eyes and a small half
smile.� �You still
going to respect me in the morning?��
It was said with a slight hit of a joke, but Ed could hear the fear in that
question too.

Ed let
the corner of his lip quirk up.� �What
are you talking about?� he said with quiet humor.� �I never respected you in the first place.�

Roy sniffled and his grin grew.� �You were always a little shit, you know that,
right?�

�Hey now,
who are you calling �little�?� Ed asked with a smile.

Roy shifted, pulled the pillow over,
and laid his head on it.� He looked at
Ed, paused, then hesitantly held his arms out and gave him an inviting
look.� �You, old man,� Roy answered.

Ed
faltered for a moment, both at the invitation and at the words.� He�d held Roy and comforted him, and now he was
offering to do the same for him...� With
a deep breath, Ed cautiously moved over and snuggled into Roy�s arms.

�Hey,
have some respect for your elders, you dumb kid,� Ed said in a playfully
grouchy voice.�

Roy held him tightly, and Ed hesitantly pressed his face
against Roy�s
chest.� He thought it would be odd, and
it was at first, but the strangeness faded quickly and Ed closed his eyes and
relaxed.� He almost felt like he had when
he was a teenager and being held by Alfons...

�I�m not
usually like that,� Roy
said suddenly, embarrassment threaded in his voice.

�I know,�
Ed murmured and closed his eyes.� It felt
so nice to be held...� �Don�t worry about
it.�

After a
few minutes, Roy
spoke again, �I don�t want you to leave.��
Ed opened his eyes and turned his head up a little so that he could see Roy looking down at him.

�I don�t
know that I have any control over that...� Ed said quietly.� �I don�t even know how I got here.�

�I
see...� Then you could be gone at any
time?� Roy
asked unhappily.

�Yeah,�
Ed said.

There was
a moment of silence before Roy
pulled away slightly and looked Ed straight in the eyes.� Ed watched him swallow nervously, then reach
out and touch Ed�s cheek.� �I want to
kiss you...��

Ed bit
softly on his lip, but didn�t say anything.�
He didn�t know what to say really.�
�I�m... I�m sorry. �I�m not
really... I don�t think I have the same feelings for you that you have for me,�
Ed said.� He didn�t want to hurt the man,
but he felt the need to be honest.

�That�s
not what I said, Ed,� Roy
said, his voice taking on some of the �Colonel Mustang� qualities that Ed remembered
so well.� �I didn�t say I wanted you to
fall in love with me, or have sex with me, I just said that I wanted to kiss
you.� This requires no work and no
feelings on your part, simply the willingness to let me do it.�

�So
diplomatic,� Ed said with a small smile.�

�I
usually get what I want because I�m willing to try for it,� Roy said, sounding a lot like the Colonel Mustang he remembered.� �But I�m not going to do it without your
permission.�

Ed stared
at Roy for a moment before moving his gaze away
and slowly snuggling back up against Roy�s
chest.� Should he allow it?� Hugging and snuggling was one thing, but
kissing was so...�

�My wife
never liked how I kissed,� Ed said suddenly.�

�I�m not
your wife,� Roy
whispered back, and Ed could hear the longing in his voice, the need to get what he wanted.

For quite
a while, Ed lay there thinking about it.�
He didn�t particularly want Roy
to kiss him, yet he was a little curious as to what it would be like.� This would probably be the only time he�d be
able to explore that little curiosity.�
After all, there was no way he was going to go find some random
homosexual male and see if they�d kiss him just for an experiment.� Besides... he kinda
knew Roy, so in
a way it seemed a little bit more okay.

�You can
only kiss me if you understand it doesn�t mean anything to me,� Ed finally
said.� �I just don�t like you that
way...� Ed pressed, wanting it to be clear.�

Roy nodded.� �I understand, though if you think that�s
going to stop me from taking this opportunity, you�re wrong.�

When Ed
didn�t reply to that, Roy
slid his hand against Ed�s cheek, then to his chin before guiding Ed�s head in
a position where they could look at each other.�
Roy
stared at him for a while, before taking a deep breath and starting to move
in.� Ed swallowed hard and nearly backed
away as the other man slowly pressed his lips against his.� Roy
lingered there for a moment and Ed wondered if the man was thinking he�d be
able to get a deeper kiss.� At that
thought, Ed instinctively pressed his lips together tightly.� There was no way he was going to soul kiss
another man...

Finally, Roy pulled away with a
murmured, �Thank you.�

�Yeah,
sure...� Ed breathed, feeling a little awkward.�

They laid
there together for a while, and Ed was almost asleep when he heard, �That
wasn�t bad at all...�

�Thanks...�
Ed murmured tiredly, then turned over on his other
side so that his back was facing Roy.� Almost instantly the other man scooted close
so that his chest was against Ed�s back and wrapped his arm around him again.

�Is this
alright?� Roy
asked sounding a little nervous.

�It�s
fine... Go to sleep...� Ed muttered tiredly.�
It felt more than good actually.�
As a child he�d slept in the same bed with his brother.� After the failed transmutation, Ed sometimes
slept alone, but he often crawled into bed with Al in the middle of the night
despite the fact that he was sleeping next to a cold suit of armor.� There was also a time that he�d slept with
Alfons Heiderich; and, of course, when his brother had joined him in the other
world, they�d slept together too... until Al had gone and gotten married... �

It had
been so terribly lonely after that.� He�d
always lived with someone, and even when he hadn�t shared a bed with that
person, there was at least someone there.�
That, more than anything, had been what had prompted Ed to propose
marriage.� When she�d died, Ed had been
so emotionally drained�both from the problems they�d had and also from losing
her.� It may not have been great, but it
had been okay, and at least he hadn�t been alone.

However,
no amount of not wanting to be alone had pushed him into throwing himself into
another relationship.� After pulling
himself out of his drunken pity party of a life, Ed had tried to be actively
engaged with other people during the day�his job at the university kept him
very busy�but when it came to the night time...

Ed
reached out and touched the arm that was draped over him.� Sliding his fingers along Roy�s skin, Ed found his hand out on the
mattress in front of him, grabbed ahold of it, and
pressed it against his chest while hugging it.�

�This
doesn�t mean anything,� Ed whispered.� It
didn�t.� He just wanted the closeness...

�I�m very
aware of that,� Roy
answered, sadness lacing through his tired tone.� �I wish it did, though,� Ed heard Roy say, then nodded,
already half asleep.� �I think I could
fall hard for you...� Roy
whispered.� There was a moment of
silence, then he heard one last thing before falling
completely asleep.� �Actually... I think
I already have...�

-

Thank you
all for reading thus far.� I hope you�re
enjoying the story.� If you�d like to
receive email updates, either let me know in a comment and include your email address in the comment or email me at
zakaii(at)gmail(dot)com.

-

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Mirrors of Yesterday