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[ Himitsu ]	By : RenaSama Category: Dragon Ball Z > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 5513 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own DragonballZ, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 19
- 20
Himitsu

Author: Rena "Sama" / 'the light'

Contact: soaringshadow@yahoo.com

4-21-06 thru 6/5/06

[ Chapter .19 ]

"...She'll never... forgive me..." he says softly. Bejiita never once cared if anyone
forgave him for anything. I look at him sadly. I can hear the pain in his voice. I want so much to
soothe it away, even though I'm the cause of it. My... our selfish needs will cost us, if not now
then someday. I run my fingers through the hair at the nape of his warm neck.

"I'm sorry..."

Bejiita lets out a sick, desperate little laugh, batting my hand away.

"Liar."

I had to pause at that. Really take a step back and think.

He's right.

I'm not sorry. It'd be so easy to blame him for that. So easy to say it's his fault
I'm so different. His fault I've felt so guilty for so long for so many of the things we did.
His fault I keep coming back for more. It'd be so effortless and cowardly to push all my
guilt onto him. It's all because of him that I'm not simple and 'pure' and honest anymore.
That I've become so...ravenous. That I keep things from my wife, or have things to keep
from her at all. He is my scapegoat as much as he is my release. I could blamed him and
his violent, moody charm for everything that seemed to be going so very wrong with my life.

But I know better. I'm as much to blame as he is. He suffers just like I do. He's
hurt people just like I have. And will probably never be forgiven, just like I won�t.

In the end, it's really my fault my desire for him outweighed my feelings of
guilt and responsibility.

But I still hate him for it. And I bet he hates me even more.

His lowered eyebrows quiver as the scrunch together in whatever mix of emotion
his face is trying to convey.

"Che!" he grits his teeth and gives me his back for the thousandth time .
The mirror is no longer there for me to try and steal glimpses of his face.

"Why are you still here!? You got what you wanted..." he bites out, glaring at me
over his shoulder.

[ What I wanted? ]

"So go!...." His words seem forced. He doesn't sound at all like himself.
Or maybe he sounds exactly like himself.

[ What do I want?...Really... ]

Frowning, I pull his arm and turn him around so I can see his face.

A fist sails into my jaw before a single word is uttered. I stagger back a
few feet, holding my chin, glaring at him before he crosses his arms and turns
away from me.

"Go home..."

"Bejiita..."

"...Enough! This is ...enough...." he whispers.

"..."

Is it really? Does he really believe that? Does he truly think we'd 'gotten it out
of our systems?' That maybe now that we've ...we... Now since that is out of the way, there
is a shot at going back to the way things were? He's as delusional as I was. And I
think he knows it.

But judging from the way he fixates on that picture on the dresser, he's
willing to lie to himself one more time. At least try... Not for himself, but for her. For them.

"Just...go."

"..."

I slowly pull on my clothes back on. The rustling of fabric is all that can be heard
through the uncomfortable silence. My muscles are tired and lethargic as I move. I
ignore my sluggishness and the wall Bejiita has put around himself when I'd been so close
to him only minutes before.

I let my eyes dart to his still form, standing at the dresser. I can't help be feel
that something is very wrong, something is missing as I push two fingers to my forehead
and vanish.

Of course, it's very late when I return home. I'm very tired and on edge. The couch
Chichi slept on is empty, which means she's already in bed. Maybe I can slip in without her
noticing.

[ I can't believe I'm sneaking into my own house... ]

Shakily, I walk towards the stairs hoping for complete silence as I try to make
my way to the shower and unsuccessfully wash Bejiita and my lies off my skin.

"Hey dad..." Goten says softly and I visibly cringe. Immediately feeling ill.

"... H..hey.." I say weakly, sinking into myself under the weight of my own secrets.
I don�t turn around or continue the conversation. It's so much easier to be guilty alone. But
when you have to look someone in the eye with all the guilt you carry... that's where the
real pain. lies.

Goten says nothing more for a minute. He simply takes in my hunched shoulders,
my unwillingness to meet his eyes and my haggard appearance. Not to mention the marks
on any exposed skin were roughly the same size as Bejiita's hands. God I�m a mess.
I never seem to remember my senzu beans. But then.. even though I craved Bejiita night
and day, these meetings of ours always managed to be unexpected.

I hear words slowly drift past my ears and I realize Goten is talking.

"-d, when are you gonna tell her about Bejiita..?"

My stomach flutters at the name and I spin around. My heart pounds in my ears
and a million question fly around in my head before they have a chance to leave my mouth.

"Y-you know..." I state rather than ask. It's really no surprise that he knows.
I just wonder what exactly gave me away. When had it become so clear.

"You followed me..." I say looking down at my feet. Assuming again. Heat bubbles
up to my face. I remember only 10 minutes ago I was screaming for more under the onslaught
of Bejiita's masterful thrusts as he panted and moaned above me.

"N-no...!" Goten answers quickly, turning a little red. "I only guessed where
you were tonight. "

"...Then how could you kn-"

"I saw you... from my window... in the tub..." he whispers. I can hear
the unease in his voice. He saw us, last week in the snow when Bejiita stalked up to me,
gorgeous and cruel and told me it would never happen again. Before I swallowed his
anger and resistance with a kiss. Before I proved him and his misplaced resolve
very wrong. Then I practically chased him down in the nude, begging him to stay.

God he'd tasted so good that day...

It's unsettling that Goten, my son, saw that. Saw how uncontrollably and furious
my need for Bejiita is and what happens when we're within five feet of one another.
Saw the things that should have been so very personal and private. Suddenly, I felt so
very exposed. As much as I wanted to alleviate myself of guilt, to have someone know
and understand, I didn't want my youngest son to be one of those people.

"Oh..." is all I can manage. There's a pain in the pit of my stomach that has
nothing to do with food. I hate this feeling. I'd rather be anywhere but here.

"I... I didn�t mean to be spying or anything...!" he says panicking. "You were
just acting so strange lately... and I just happened to look out the window when Bejiita
landed in our backyard... Then you... you..."

Kissed him. I kissed him. He kissed me. Hard, liked we'd die without such a
violent meeting of our lips. Like I needed that from him more than I needed to breathe.

I don't want to hear anymore. As much I as enjoyed kissing him, I didn�t want
anyone else to know that.

"I sorry!" Goten goes on. "...I just... I-" he stutters then pauses for a long time.
I almost start to walk away again before he continues.

"But why?...I had no idea you...he..."

[ That he wanted me? That I wanted him more? Even though he's male... ]

"..."

"You're... everything's so different... W-what happened between you two?"

[ Too much... and not nearly enough... ]

"..."

"Don�t you love Mama anymore?..."

It's such an innocent and appropriate question to ask. But it physically hurts
to hear.

"Don�t say that!!" I say, more for myself than to ease Goten's worry. Questioning
my feelings for her was what prompted me to go to him in the first place.

"I�m sorry Dad..."

"...You... don�t need to apologize to me," I say barely audible. He�s not the one
who�s done something wrong. He's just worried about his father's strange behavior
and saw what he shouldn't have.

"...I'll tell you why... but... not right now." I'll tell you when I finally understand
it myself. If ever.

"..."

"Please just don�t tell your mother." I plead as I retreat to the shower. Now he knows
why I keep asking him this.

"...Okay..."

[ ..... ]

Searing hot water flows across the expanse of my back. I scrub the sponge against
my skin frantically and try to blink away images of Bejiita moaning and bucking under me as
the throaty sounds of his pleasure intermingle with Chichi�s sobs in my head.

My god what must Goten think of me...?

I scrub uselessly and Bejiita's scent clings desperately to my skin.

[ ..... ]

I wake from my half slumber when a shaft of light beams into my eyes. I barely
slept at all. My mind whirls with questions unanswered. My body aches for a touch
I shouldn�t want, and my heart for the memory of the fiery dark hared woman it used
to beat for. Has my love for Chichi truly faded? What did I really want from Bejiita?
What was he really giving me that my wife couldn't? Besides the obvious.

"Gokuu come down for breakfast!!" Chichi's loud but caring voice travels up
the stairs.

That is the first time Chichi actually had to call me for a meal. Normally
I'm already there waiting for the pancakes to rise. I wonder if she'll notice that.

[ ..... ]

"Mornin'." She says as I enter the room. Goten has already vanished for the
day. Sadly, I'm kinda glad he's not here to look at me with his knowing eyes. I sit at
the table with my back to Chichi as I wait for food. A plate of waffles in set down
in front of me. As soon as the plate hits the table I eat quickly and messily. As if I
haven't seen food in days. It's only now when I'm eating that I notice how hungry
I am.

Starving.

My fork scrapes through sticky syrup and butter across an empty plate. I'm
scarfing the eggs down now, faster than Chichi can even cook them. Grabbing fruit
from the bowl at the center of the table, I pack food into my mouth and barely leave
myself time to breathe. Everything tastes divine! Even things I wasn't crazy about
before. I gulp down the entire carton or orange juice without a second thought.

"Gokuu just use a glass!" Chichi chastises just as I finish the last sip.

"Sorry... are there any more waffles?"

The last remnants of breakfast are inhaled and my eyes dart around the
kitchen for more. My stomach growls angrily as if I hadn't just fed it. I move
towards the fridge.

"Gokuu slow down! What's gotten into you!?"

"I'm sorry Chichi! I'm just so hungry!!" I say pulling anything I can reach out
of the fridge and consuming it. Even things that need to be cooked first. Even
condiments. Chichi watches in awe and maybe horror as I down a month's worth
of food without blinking. The more I eat the hungrier I get. The sensation of the
potato chips, or wasabi, or cheese, or juice gliding over my tongue only makes
me want more. These foods don't even mix well, but to my stomach it hardly matters.

I breath deeply and unevenly as I finally finish the last scrap of food.
Sitting down in front of the open fridge, I'm surrounded by empty cartons, bottles,
containers, banana peels and apple cores.

I've actually eaten thrice as much as I normally do. But the gnawing in
my stomach persists. Chichi simply sighs, probably thinking maybe I've just been
training more than usual.

"Looks like I need to go shopping again..."

[ ..... ]

Pantries, cupboards and the fridge were filled and emptied again and again.

Days of this, if you can believe it.

Goten, looking worried at my extreme gluttony, tries to lighten the mood
by complaining that he's losing weight not being able to eat at home. Chichi, not quite
as humorous, scolds me about the astronomical food bills. I scratch the back of my neck
and laugh it all off, trying in vain to resist the urge to put more food in my mouth.

[ ..... ]

Chichi walks out of the front door grumbling, making her fifth trip to the grocery
store this month. I lie on the couch as if I'm famished and wasting away. She slams
the door behind her. The noise makes my aching head spin even more. I shift on the couch
restlessly and can't seem to relax.

My stomach churns and flutters and never seems to be full.

I eat constantly but I never feel satisfied.

I'm never satisfied.

It's never enough...

[ If it's not food... what do I really want? ]

"Oh..." I say to myself. Like I'd forgotten about... that. Maybe I wanted to forget.
It's strange how needs manifest themselves in such indirect ways.

You're probably wondering why I didn't catch on sooner. I'm sure you wonder
at a lot of my behavior.

My next course of action will come as no surprise to you.

It takes but a moment to lock onto his ki. I teleport right to him immediately.

You know who.

My skin already burning, my hands itching, my body needing him again. However, my
plan to take my pleasure in him does not come to fruition. I stand just outside his door
when I realize Bulma is there as well. They're arguing. I can feel a wave of unease and
sadness coming from them. Their words are barely audible. I listen closely, peaking around
the door frame whenever I can.

Bejiita knows I'm here. There's no way he can't know. Bulma however, she pounds on
his chest with weak melancholy blows as she sniffs. Holding back her tears. Bejiita
regards her with the stiff back and the pain in his eyes of a man who had secrets to tell.

[ Oh my god he didn�t... ]

My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. As much as I want him right now... I
absolutely did not want anyone else to know about it. Especially not Bulma. I pictured
her reaction in my head too many times. I couldn't bear to see it. It hurt too much.
But not as much as it would her.

"How long will you keep punishing me?! " she yells into his chest as he
stands there silently.

[ What?...]

"..."

"Bejiita I�m sorry!! It was just...one kiss...I was drunk!"

[ What? Drunk?... Oh.. the night of the Gizmo Show! How could I have
forgotten so soon?]

I was so worried about what I'd done with Bejiita, and had come here to
do again, that I�d completely forgotten how I was affecting their relationship.
Bejiita's anger after our coupling and his sureness that he�d never be forgiven does
not truly hit home until now. Until I'm so sure we've been found out and that Bulma
is suffering. But, she doesn't know. Instead, she's been suffering from her own
infinitely smaller bit of guilt. Her one submission to temptation. When she kissed me...

She leans against him, eyes brimming with tears before she buries her face
in his chest.

"I was weak...he told me I was ...beautiful..."

You'd think it would be her intellect or her wit, but it's her vanity that
undoes her. Her Achilles� heel. I was one of the very few who knew.

"Bejiita... it wasn't his fault. Don�t... be mad at him."

Bejiita looks down at her suddenly. It's amazing how different the situation is
from what Bulma believes it to be.

"I know you two have been...fighting. Mama said she heard arguing and yelling
from your room one night last week..." Sniff. "She said there were pieces of Son Kun's shirt
and blood on the floor..."

Bejiita, while showing no other visible signs of shock or alarm, turns white as a sheet.
We were fighting, that much was true. But there was so much more to that night that no
one else knew.

"You don�t need to be angry with him... I know he's your friend... even if you won�t
admit it. ..." Sniff. She pauses to wipe her eyes. And he finally looks down and meets her
red rimmed baby blues.

"Don't punish him any more... don�t punish... me." she pleads softly as she smoothes
her hands up his body towards his face. Her need to be forgiven and for something else
is evident in the way she moves. The way she leans against him, the way she runs her fingers
through his unruly hair and pulls his head forward for a kiss.

"...Please forgive me..."

Bejiita looks absolutely heartbroken as their lips meet. He closes his eyes and
pulls her tightly against him, deepening the kiss. She was not the one who should beg for
forgiveness, for peace of mind or for affection. From the lack of skyrocketing ki, I guess
they haven�t been together since the night of the Gizmo Show when we... we...

Their lack of physical contact wasn�t punishment for her. I think it was because he
couldn�t look her in the eye. The way I can't look at Goten or Chichi. It was penance for
himself.

They lean into each other, their lips meeting with sorrowful, needy kisses. Bulma's
hands roam heatedly over Bejiita's body as she quickly rids him of his always too tight
clothing. She stares at him hard now. At his now exposed, tanned skin as if the two weeks
of sex's absence made her forget how attractive he is. Made her forget how much she
would miss what only he could give her. Bulma gasps and blushes lightly as Bejiita pulls
the clothes off her body before immediately pushing her down on the bed.

"Ahh!..unn...!!" After weeks of no contact at all, Bulma lets out a startled high
pitched groan as he hastily fondles her breasts. He rolls her sensitive nipples under his
fingers before replacing them with a hot mouth. "Uuhh!!!!!" Bulma tosses her head from
side to side in abandon as sweat beads up on her skin.

"OOon! OOOnn!!'" She moans beautifully, bucking under him wildly as he continues to
knead her breasts and slowly lick his way downwards. She trembles and smiles deliriously,
tilting her head back, baring the gentle curve of her throat.

I watch and grind my teeth together until my jaw hurts. The wood of the door frame
begins to crack and splinter under my hand.

I want so much to think it should be my hands on Bejiita's feverishly hot skin.
It should be me gasping and gyrating under him. His hair in my fingers. My legs wrapped
around his head as he buries his face in my lap. His hands on the under side of my thighs
pushing my legs out of the way. The tightness and warmth of my body making him cry out
in pleasure as he plunges into me.

But it shouldn't. As much as I had to admit it...

Bulma screams in delight as Bejiita forgives her. Hard. I shake with angry desire
as I watch them just beyond the door. My forehead is painfully hot and my chest burns
with profound jealousy. I somehow want him even more now. As much of a voyeur as I
once was, I can't watch them for long. As explosively pleasurable and erotic make up
sex can be, I can't bring myself to witness anymore. Instead of causing me vicarious
pleasure, it causes pain. Because I know what it's like to I ache for him. I know the slick
slide of his perspiring tanned skin feels like against my own. I know how the tip of
his penis feels as it brushes the roof of my mouth. I know how he tastes, how he sounds,
how he feels inside of me. How his breath hitches when I wrap my lips around him. How
his sweat drips down onto my skin and his pleasure becomes my own.

I know him. Biblically.

My desire for him is epic. Watching him with someone else, seems so very
wrong. Even when he belongs with her. Even when she is his. It sees wrong to me.
But no more wrong than my despicable cheating, lies and countless secrets.

The suddenly, as the guilt, fear of being found out and gut wrenching jealousy
churned inside me, I find for once... in weeks... I'm not hungry. I don�t itch. I don't want
anymore. Like I'd reached the zenith of my burgeoning desire and just finally became
numb to it. The perpetual burning between my legs slowly cools.

I watch them now... and I feel nothing at all.

As I hear Bulma shout her love for him, I realize,

...this is not where I should be.

Continued.

A/N

1. It's strange how needs manifest themselves in such indirect ways.
Anyone ever have this happen to them? I know I have. Gokuu's reaction
to being horny but thinking he's hungry is actually from personal experience.
T.M.I. hahah XD !
- 19
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[ Himitsu ]