In Our Dreams

Edward Elric sat at the edge of his bed, considering sleep, and yet really not tired. He looked down at his hands, his fragile, human hands that now betrayed him by their ability to perform alchemy. It had been almost a year, almost a year since he had given himself up for his brother and passed through the gate that separated him from his world, from everything he had ever known or loved. Love. There was that word. He avoided that word at all costs, because that was the word that had led him to the hell he was now living. Given the choice, would he have done it again? In a heartbeat, he knew that much. But… there was so much he had lost. His entire life, however short, had been spent solely on the study of Alchemy. Now, that was as useful as, well, nothing, since Alchemy didn’t exist in this upside-down world he had been flung into. He had always thought that he would be glad to finally be rid of his automail, but now… he felt like a part of him was missing. A part of him. His stomach clenched.

‘Roy…’ how he wished he could have said goodbye, seen him one last time. But at the time, it hadn’t mattered. Everything had been for Al, and he hadn’t expected to live through it, hadn’t imagined that he would be left with this feeling of guilt and regret. He had never imagined that that man that he had begun that affair with two years ago would have grown so near to his heart. Come on, it was Coronal Mustang! There was no point of becoming emotionally involved. The Coronal himself had admitted to the many others that he had been involved with. But, despite his reservations, and his outright panic after their first time together, he had begun to cherish the time they sent alone together. The way the coronal made him feel. The way the Coronal’s eyes burned with fire and passion when they looked at him. But it was an unspoken understanding that there could not be love. It simply wasn’t an option. No matter how hard the Coronal tried to deny it, their relationship couldn’t be anything more than clandestine meetings and fleeting physical pleasure. It would just be too complicated. For the both of them. And so it had continued, their year of time together. A year that Ed cherished nearly as much as the four that he had spent with his brother. Those four years had paid for his life. Couldn’t the one that the Coronal and he shared count for something? No, of course not, what a stupid thought. It was just sex. It meant nothing more then the women and occasional man that he had fucked while he was over here. Heh, the Coronal had called him beautiful on so many occasions, he has finally learned to accept it, to use it to seduce, to find someone to get off with and ditch. That’s all any of his partners were to him here. He didn’t want anything more. He wanted to go home. To see his little brother’s face. That face he had given up everything for. To see Roy…

Ed shook his head, to clear his thoughts. To clear his mind. There had to be some way of getting back. He knew, in his heart, that Al would be trying to find him. That his brother would never rest, that he would most likely spend his life trying to find a way to bring Ed back. It gave him hope, it spurred him on to try to find ways to utilize the technology that this world had instead of Alchemy. After all, not all his knowledge had gone to waste. His vast knowledge of biology chemistry was helpful, and he was studying constantly to learn all about the way this world differed from his home. But he also knew that it would never be enough. He would never get home. He was stuck. As far as he was concerned, he was as good as dead. His life as he knew it was over. A single tear trickled down his cheek.

Edward sighed a deep sigh of acceptance as he lay back upon his bed. To sleep was to dream, to escape this world he was trapped in. He closed his eyes, and began to drift.