Candor

His rules had all been laid bare and Roy pointed out what a flawed human he actually was.

And here he thought he'd been tough and capable all these years, when in fact, he'd be lying to himself.

He lay there for a long time, he wasn't sure how long, until he heard Roy move. He could feel the presence over him, but he just curled up tighter, squeezing his eyes shut so hard he hoped he never had to open them again. He never had to see the faces of those around him as they watched what he'd become. He jerked when Roy's hand touched his shoulder, he growled when Roy pulled on him trying to get him to sit up. He kicked out his legs and tried to pull away but Roy had a good grip on his only arm and Roy half dragged, half slid him over to the couch.

"Don't do this," Roy said, "don't just lay there. This is not what you are, this is not who you are going to be; I won't let you. You've gone through worse, you've gone through hell, and this might feel like it, but it's nothing compared to what you've seen."

Roy grabbed him again, forced him up and pushed him back so he landed on the couch. He just glared up at him, heart to heavy, lungs to leaden to speak. And besides, what could he say?

You're right, I'm a failure at life, I'm dragging everything down. I'm hurting my brother, I'm a burden and a liability, I'm a waste of everything you've ever done for me.

Roy stood there, looking down at him; then Roy moved and sat down beside him, there on the couch. What was with this man? Didn't he know a lost cause? What did he want really? There had to be something; he wouldn't just do this; why did he chase after him? Why did Roy continually charge to his rescue? What had he ever done to deserve it?

"So, Fullmetal," the bastard colonel, no general said, "is this the best you can do?"

"My name," Ed snarled, hoarse and raw, "is Edward. Nobody uses that title anymore, that's not me, that's not who I am, I can never be that again."

"Really? I don't think you ever moved past it," Roy said, crossing his knees and looking for all the world like they were discussing the weather, "I seem to remember once, off handedly you saying you never planned your life past restoring Al. I think you were more serious than I took you for; I think you sincerely are waiting for the other shoe to fall. I think you're too afraid to live now."

"Well I am living, and apparently not doing a good enough job for any of you," Ed said, remaining slouched where he'd fallen. "I don't know what you want from me."

"I want you to quit being a dick, actually," Roy said, "and I want you to follow some of your own advice. I want you to start moving forward."

"Move forward to WHAT? What do I move forward to?! Being another fucking has been? Another faded child star who burnt the fuck out?" Ed shouted.

"I'd settle for you just begin halfway sane," Roy said. "I'm not asking for you to be citizen of the year, I'm not asking you to be a sterling role model, I guess I'd just like to see you be functional. Maybe I should be having this discussion with the automail, it seems to be the only functional part of you at the moment."

"Fuck you Mr. Smart Ass, just fuck you and all your smarmy good intentions," Ed sneered, "who volunteered you for sainthood? Oh look at me,I'm going to save my former subordinate from himself. I'm going to get him to realize that he's being a selfish, childish, ingrate and then I can feel good about myself again. Get yourself another medal; this is your way of trying to relive all the past glory, isn't it? This is your way of thinking you're still a hero. Well I have I got news for you...there are no heroes. There is no one out there who knows just what to do or just what to say to save anyones day. I'm not a hero, I was only fixing my own fuck-up in the first place. That's not what a hero is, a hero is someone who is selfless, and you, and me, Roy Mustang? There isn't a selfless bone in our entire bodies."

"That's the spirit," Roy said, "push and push and push as hard as you can. You push and cling at the same time; you have to test people, still you have to test everyone, because you don't believe anyone could ever really care about you. You know, that unlovable rule you have is a real bitch, we need to break it."

"Oh it's been around a long time," Ed said waving his only hand in the air, "I've grown quite attached to it."

"You are, without doubt, the most innovative rule breaker I've ever run across," Roy said, "I'm sure that if you put your considerable mental abilities to the task, we could figure out something."

Right. Alchemist, heal thyself, is that it? You want me to take some imaginary rule you think I've set for my life and just...break it. Just change my personality, just like that. You think I can do anything. Don't think I can do anything, don't have that faith in me, don't make me disappoint you.

"Yeah, I can figure out you're a fucking know it all, or you think you are," Ed said, turning his face away.

I don't want to disappoint you and it pisses me off that I even think that. Why the fuck should I care what you think of me? Why does it matter?

"Are you ever going to let go of your past?" Roy asked quietly.

My past? You think I can just turn that on and off like a switch, too? You know, you're right, no one has seen the hell I've seen, yourself included. How do you just forget something like that? How do you just brush that aside and stop remembering the way it felt, sounded, tasted and smelled? How do you not think about that thing in the array that shuddered and sobbed and squirmed and breathed? How do you forget a monster with your mother's face? In a perfect world selective memories would be the rule; but nothing will ever be perfect.

"Oh you mean that little detail where I turned my mother into a monster and destroyed my brother's body in the process? Please, consider it done," Ed drawled. "I mean it's not like it was a defining moment or anything."

"Is that all you are? Forever that child? There is nothing else to you?" Roy asked. "So you don't hold anything you've done since then as any sort of accomplishment? You don't see Al as a triumph?"

"A triumph? What? Because I put back what I fucked up in the first place? That's an accomplishment? How about never having done it to begin with, that's more of an accomplishment than just making things right," Ed half laughed. "Oh yeah, good job there Ed, fucking things up so you can go and make them right again, gives you something to do other than have a childhood."

"Want to trade sob stories? I can spin you some really unfair things that have happened to me and everyone else I've ever met. What makes you so special you get to wallow and the rest of us have to move on? You think because bad things happened to you it's a justification to curl up and suck your thumb and make yourself dependent on those around you? I guess at least your thumb nail will be clean, I guess you can be proud of that."

"You know what? Fuck you," Ed said, breath hitching, eyes starting to sting. "You're trying so hard to make me dependent on you and at the same time you're telling me to be an adult and be on my own, which is the way you want it?! If I'm that big a disappointment then just be rid of me, for fuck's sake, don't keep hanging on, just let me fucking drown already, fuck...fuck...," Ed put a hand over his eyes and inhaled sharply and grit his teeth.

"Have you ever, once, said anything about how you feel to Al?" Roy asked. "Have you ever said any of this to him?"

"NO," Ed shouted, "why the fuck would I lay this on AL? For fuck's sake haven't I done enough to him? Why should I bring up any of that shit he's been able to put behind him? Just because I can't let go of it means Al has to hang onto it for the rest of his life?"

"So you know you can't let go," Roy stated. "Al is able to move forward because he realizes what he's gained; you can only think about what you've lost. You don't take anything into account other than what you had to do, and you ignore all the people you helped along the way."

"Not selfless," Ed said, turning wet eyes on Roy, "not by a long shot. Most of the time I was looking for the angle where I could use their gratitude. Some 'hero of the people', huh? Wonder what the people would say if they knew."

"You've got a twist for every good deed you've done in your life, haven't you, Ed? Because no good deed goes unpunished is true in your book," Roy tapped his knee. "It's like you relish the fact that there is some way you can see anything you've ever done as one grand lie. One gigantic self-serving scheme, when really...I don't see what you got out of it at all. Other than this paranoia that everyone is looking for an excuse to abandon you because you are not a good person."

Ed let his head thunk back on the couch. He turned his eyes to the ceiling.

"Good, bad, what does it matter? Who's going to hold us accountable? You don't believe in that, do you? You don't believe there is a greater power there judging us from afar? I gave that up because I am a man of science and not a man of faith. So don't ask me if I lost my faith because I never had any to begin with, all I had was Al. Al was my whole motivation, and yeah, see, I know that. If I had faith, my faith was Al, so in Al's leaving there goes my faith. Pretty fucked up, I know. I bet half the people we know think we're fucking. I don't care. I just don't know what to do with Al way in South City and me stuck here because he won't let me move with him, ok? And you know what, I know how fucked up and dependent that is, but fuck, what the hell am I suppose to do now? I'm not under any illusion I'm a popular person, I know I'm an asshole. I know my friendships only last as long as it takes the transmutation reaction to fade, I know when I give them what they want my usefulness is done. But you know what? None of that mattered before; before Al decided that we should have separate lives. Now I know that the only person I was good for was Al and I'll never have anything else."

Roy clasped his hands together and bowed his head for a moment; then he raised it and rested his chin on his clasped hands, his elbows on his knees.

"That is the most asinine piece shit to ever come out of your mouth," he said with a sigh. "Not only are you denying your entire existence, you're defining yourself through your brother, and your brother is not who you are. Yes, you spent a great deal of your life living for your brother. But to bring him up so high and then try to tear him down by denying your very self is just...unbelievable, Ed. And I don't believe that of you. You may not have faith, but you have a heart and you have a soul and you are a human, just like Al, just as good as Al, and just as deserving as Al. Why is Al the only victim? Why can't you see that you suffered, too? Why is it you need Al to depend on for your very life? Why isn't Al your beacon and your example? Why can't Al be the person who frees you now, frees you from the burden of your childhood when you could live for nothing else? Al isn't your chain, he's your emancipator. The responsibility is lifted Ed, you're free to go and find what it is you got sidetracked from all those years ago."

"It's not that easy, it can't be that easy," Ed said and sniffled hard.

"Only because you won't let it be," Roy returned.

Ed turned his head, lowered his eyes to Roy's face and just looked at him. Looked at him like he was trying to see things Roy couldn't possibly imagine.

"You told me a lot of things in the time I've known you, and I've always known with it was bullshit," Ed finally said. "I can always tell by your face. You're a fucking bastard know-it-all who keeps sticking his nose in my business, but, for the life of me, I can't see the bullshit this time. You know what? Better the bastard you know, huh? I ain't right, you know it, I know it and I'm kinda freaked out about it, so, can I stay here with you until I get it sorted out? I won't be trouble, I'll do my share and I'll try to earn that human label you keep giving me, deal?"

"I'm afraid if I let you out of my sight the next call I get would be from a morgue," Roy said.

"I'll take that as a yes," Ed said.

**

Al returned from his trip a within the next two days. A envelope tapped to the door of the apartment he shared with his brother gave scant detail other than where his brother could be found. The trip in the taxi had been an anxious one, but Roy met him at the door with a smile and showed him in.

"Brother," Al said immediately, coming over and sitting beside Ed, laying his coat across his lap.

"Tell me how it went," Ed said, he didn't quite smile, but the gesture was there, "did you find a good place?"

"I think so," Al said, "you'll have to come and inspect it of course. It's near the labs, it's a decent size for the price." Al wet his lips, looked between the general and his brother. "Where's your automail?" Al ventured.

"In the hall closet," Ed said, "it needed a break from me, I've been sort of out of it."

Al wasn't sure how to respond to that, so he just smoothed his coat for a moment. He looked up at Roy again.

"Thank you for watching out for him, General," Al said. "It was good of you to let him stay here while I was out of town, but I'm back now, so he can come home."

"No," Ed said quickly, and Al turned back to him. "No, I'm going to stay here...for a while. I'd just be in the way while you packed, so, I'm going to hang out here. For some reason the bastard doesn't mind my company," Ed glanced at Roy now, "and I just need to not watch you pack, ok?"

Al nodded, looking at his coat without saying anything and Roy smiled at Ed and Ed turned away.

"Stay for dinner, Al," Roy offered. "It's sandwiches again, because we're both hopeless in the kitchen, but you are welcome to join us."

"I can do you one better, if there is anything cookable in the house, I can make dinner," Al said, standing, and turning to lay his coat on the couch. "If you'll show me the kitchen?"

Roy stood, too, and he and Ed did exchange a look then, but he gestured for Al to follow him down the hall.

Al turned on Roy as Roy suspected he would in the kitchen. Al ran a hand through his hair, seemed to grope about to find a way to start.

"This is what you wanted, Al," Roy said. "Ed on his own, only he's not doing so well at the beginning. We have to give him time, help him cope, the best way you can help him cope is by being out of the picture."

"This isn't what I want," Al shot back, careful to keep his voice low. "Trading our couch for yours? Sitting around without even his arm attached? He looks horrible; what happened while I was gone? What did you say to him? What did you do to him? Why shouldn't I go out there right now and just ask him to come to South City with me?"

"Well I don't know Al, why shouldn't you? Why shouldn't you just forget everything you said to me in my office before you started this little venture? You know, for someone on the move, you don't seem to know what you want anymore than Ed does. You want to keep cleaning up after him, you be my guest; but I'll tell you this: if you back out of this now you'll be doing him more harm than you can possibly imagine. Is that what you want? Suddenly now that Ed is making an effort to move on as well and give you the freedom you said you wanted you don't seem to want it much anymore."

"No..no, you're right," Al said, sagging back against the counter, "it's just seeing him like that, it was a shock. What happened?"

"I think if Ed wants you to know, he'll tell you," Roy said, then came over and gave Al's shoulder a squeeze. "I know it seems hard to believe, but he is doing better today than he was even two days ago. It's improvement and we should encourage it. You go to South City, I'll watch Ed for a while, it seems like my turn."

"Tell me I'm not abandoning my brother," Al said, "tell me that this is alright. Tell me that I'm not an ungrateful bastard."

"No to all of the above," Roy said. "Sometimes it's harder to do the right thing, you know that, Al."

Al nodded, then turned absently to start inspecting what was in the cabinets. Roy lingered in the doorway of the kitchen.

"He knows we're talking about him," Al said, "so maybe you should go keep him company, I could use a few minutes to get myself together anyways...damn General, what do you eat in this house?"

"You thought I was kidding about the sandwiches," Roy said. "Good luck, you've always been a miracle worker, Al," and Roy left him there in the kitchen of nothing to try and make a meal.

**

In the three days before Al's departure Ed began to show some signs of life. He initiated conversation, he asked about the world outside, he got up off the couch and went about small day to day things that had seemed impossible for him only a week before.

He once again proved, that no matter the circumstances, whether defying mystical forces or events in his own life, he could not be kept down.

When he actually came into the kitchen for breakfast that morning, Roy told him he knew the train schedule and when Al would be leaving and suggested to Ed that they should go down to the station to see Al off. Ed hadn't made much comment, except to nod and say he needed to clean up, and while he was in the bath Roy went to the hall closet and took the cardboard tube from it's resting place in the back corner.

He sat with it in the living room, holding it between his knees and turning it, much as he'd done in the police station. The automail clanked faintly as the tube turned and Roy listened quietly for the sound of Ed coming down the hall.

Things were better, but they were not good yet. There were still some obstacles in the way, but Ed was use to that. He'd taken a much worse beating and come out alive.

Ed came in, wiping his face on a towel draped around his shoulders and he looked at the general, then the tube and then the general again. He sat slowly on the couch, his one constant companion it seemed since he'd come to the general's house. Neither of them said anything for a few moments.

"So, are you saying I've earned my arm back?" Ed eventually asked. "It doesn't seem like I've done much."

"Oh you'd be surprised, Edward, you'd be very surprised at all the things you've done in these last few days," the general said. "I think you're ready for it; I think you're ready to start moving on. I am curious, however, as to why you never asked for it back in all this time? You knew right where it was."

Ed cleared his throat, rubbed his knee with his flesh hand.

"I figured I owed it to you," he said after a moment. "I figured that since you were trying so hard to show me life was worth living I owed it to you to earn it back. You've put up with a lot of shit, General, and you didn't have to. I may be my own brand of trouble; and I may be a bigger bastard than you are...but I'm not stupid; and I'm not ungrateful."

Roy tilted the tube and reached in and took Ed's hand.

He drew the automail arm slowly out, as if he was afraid he'd damage it and let the tube clatter to the floor empty. It was heavy, he expected that, and it was hard, being made of metal, but it wasn't so horrible at thing right at this moment. It had, in it's own way, played a part in Ed's new awareness.

"I will say with great certainty that I know absolutely nothing about how this all works," Roy said, standing and walking over to the couch. "You'll have to talk me through it."

"Not much to tell," Ed said, looking at his arm in Roy's hands. "You just shove it in and stand back; maybe get some earplugs."

"Earplugs?" Roy asked.

"Well, it's not fun, General," Ed said with an almost half smile, "it kinda hurts."

Ed gripped the sleeve of his shirt and pulled it up over the port, then looked up at Roy. Roy licked his lips, leaned over and looked into the port, then he looked at the end of the automail and at the port again.

"It's pretty much tab A, slot B, General, it's not brain surgery," Ed said, sounding a bit amused. "Just line it up and shove it in until you hear it click."

"And that's it?" Roy said, trying not to sound nervous.

"That's it, it only takes a minute, I could do it myself if you'd rather not," Ed offered.

"No, I got it," Roy raised the end of the arm, eyeballed the socket and the 'plug', then looked at Ed again.

"Wanna count three?" Ed asked. "You know, you're acting like this is going to hurt you more than it is me," and there was a genuine Edward Elric grin attached to the statement.

"Ok, One," Roy said.

"Two," Ed encouraged.

"Three," Roy finished and pushed the plug in, listening for the click Ed had mentioned. He heard it and the moment he did Ed cried out and the arm jerked out of Roy's grasp and Ed doubled over and fell over on his side on the couch.

Roy wasn't sure how long he hovered there, watching Ed jerk and try to muffle his cries. But eventually Ed began to breath easier, Roy did move then, down to get a wash cloth for Ed's face, because he seemed to be covered in sweat. Ed pushed himself up right, reached with a shaky automail arm for the cloth himself and wiped his face. He then flexed the automail arm, held it out before him, curled his metal fingers and nodded.

"Seems to be working ok," Ed said, voice hoarse, "good job getting it in on the first try. You look a little funny, you going to be ok?" Ed asked, raising an eyebrow.

Roy smiled a bit overly, and nodded, grabbed the washcloth and retreated from the room.

"Do you faint at the sight of blood?" Ed called down the hall after him.

**

Ed and Al stood facing each other on the train platform. The luggage was being loaded and the dull hiss of steam from the engine was a familiar backdrop. Only this time, Al was going alone. The general had walked to the newsstand to buy himself an evening paper, (even though Ed knew there would be on waiting on the walk when they went home tonight) and had left them there alone for the moment.

"This is it," Ed said, hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets, "this is my final triumph, you know, the bastard was right."

"Everything up to this very moment is all because of you," Al said, voice hoarse for some reason, "I want you to know that. My life is all because of you."

"Don't sell yourself short," Ed said with a half smile, "I'm pretty sure you had something to do with it, too."

"As soon as I'm settled I'll send you a train ticket," Al said. "You can come and check out my place and see where I'm working. I really want you to see how I'm living the life you got back for me. I want to make you proud."

Ed nodded, took a hand out of his pocket and extended it to his brother. Al grabbed it and held it tight between his own for a few moments. The train whistled then, and Al released Ed's hand in favor of going for a hug. Ed removed his other hand then, patted Al on the back and then pushed back to look at him.

"I'd love it, but I think it depends on if I'm in jail by then or not," Ed said and slapped Al on the arm.

"Jail? What do you mean jail?" Al said, eyes widening, the train whistled again and both brothers looked at it.

"I guess I'll just have to write you a letter," Ed said, shooing Al toward the steps leading into the passenger cars. "It was kinda eventful those few days you were gone."

"Eventful? Is that all you have to say?" Al said, being herded up to the steps by his elder brother. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?!" Al said, being forced up the first step by Ed's shoulder in his back.

"Don't worry about it," Ed said, giving Al a hard shove and watching him stumble into the car and taking a few steps back from the train and out onto the platform, "I'll handle it, I didn't get give you back your life as you say so you could be bailing me out of jail."

"Brother!" Al cried as the conductor took up the steps and sat them in the car, forcing Al to take a few steps back.

When the conductor closed the door, Ed watched Al run down the car and finally squeeze into a row and between two older women who gave him a dirty look. Al wrenched the window down and stuck his whole upper body out of it. Roy wandered back over, raising his hand to wave.

"General!"Al said, trying to call in reinforcements, "What does he mean jail? I thought you were watching him! What am I going to do if he goes to jail?!"

"A damn fine job in your new position," Roy called, "don't worry so much, Al. I'll make sure he has a fine lawyer and who knows, maybe he'll get an easy sentence just doing hard labor."

The train whistle cut off Al's next frantic question and the pistons ground to life. Al yanked himself back in the window and they watched him run down a few more and repeat the process of squeezing in and shoving himself out.

"This is at HELL of a way to send someone off," Al shrieked at them as he passed. He quickly got out of shouting range, but did some pointing and fist shaking.

Ed was smiling, one hand raised in a wave, the other in his jacket pocket. He kept waving until Al pulled back in through the window, then he looked over at Roy.

"You enjoyed that," Roy accused.

"You damn bet I did," Ed grinned. "He's such a fucking nanny, besides, it will give him something to do on the train ride. I'm sure he'll write you a letter the size of a small paperback."

Roy shook his head and watched Ed who was still looking after the train. When Ed turned to leave the platform Roy fell in behind.

Ed was a remarkable, resilient creature. In many ways, Ed was like his automail. Painful, but tough; bent but not easily broken.

"So Edward Elric, where shall we start your new life, providing of course, it's not behind bars," Roy said, following Ed out to the car.

"I think if I just transmute the bar back I can get out of most of that, don't you agree? Got any plans this weekend, wanna take a road trip back to a little town that hates the sight of me?" Ed wrinkled his nose and then got into the car.

"Nothing like the smell of a lynching in the morning," Roy said, climbing in as well. "You know, maybe you should think of that as a career, building bars, you've seen the insides of enough of them."

"Maybe, you know, I think I'll give up that apartment," Ed said. "It's more room than I need. I mean it we rented it furnished, all I got in it are my clothes."

"Oh really?" Roy said, "And where would you stay then? You're not suggesting I need a permanent house guest, are you?"

"If I'm going to be on the road building bars," Ed said as they headed toward home, "I won't be there much now will I? It will hardly be like having a roommate at all. You know, you should talk them into letting me redo that shit hole of an Officer's Club on the base. You could kick start my new career!"

"I can't believe I'm actually considering letting you stay, you know, I like my couch and I miss getting to sit on it because you're lazy ass is asleep on it all the time," Roy said. "I thought the whole point of this was to get you out on your own."

"Hey, one thing at a time, ok?" Ed said. "I mean, Al just left on a train and will be gone who knows how long and I'm not a pitiful lump of goo. I give you credit for that, ok? Take the compliment that I even want to live with your prissy ass in the first place!"

"You mistake prissy for sophisticated," Roy said. "Further more, I suppose I can allow for the fact you have made considerable progress in such a short time. You're right, you owe it all to me. Besides, if I get the courts to give you probation and hand you over to my authority, well, that would be like having a live in housekeeper, wouldn't it?"

"You wouldn't," Ed seethed.

"Better learn how to work the clothes washing machine," Roy chortled.

And so it went, all the way home, on Ed's first day of living.