Moments

Disclaimer: I don’t own DB/Z/GT or any of the characters found in this fic. They are the property of TOEI ANIMATION in Japan and FUNimation in the U.S.A.

Rated – R
Warnings – Angst, drama, ramblings, language
Pairings – None
A/N: Goku’s POV

Ramblings

:sighs:

I don’t know why I do this every time. Meet someone new, hope to be friends, try to set an example of ‘It’s okay to be slower at times,’ and then laugh at myself so they’ll laugh with me. I have yet to find a person that understands these things for what they are. Instead, I find that I have set an awful precedence for me to be laughed at and ridiculed.

Most of the time it doesn’t bother me. I brush it off, take it in stride, or one of a hundred other sayings I’ve heard before; most of the time.

Then there are those other times it really does hurt. Don’t ask me why I’ll take the abuse from a friend a hundred times, and then at 101 I get upset. I guess at a certain moment, I realize that this person has now made up their mind that I can never change. Never be something different or better, and have lost any expectations that I will or can change.

I’m always willing to let another change for the better. Why can’t they do the same?

So, I look at what I have put down in writing, and ask myself if this makes me simple and stupid? I have to say that the answer to myself is ‘No’. Just overly optimistic in the people around me, which starts me on the same path they are on already, and I WON’T let myself be on that path. It’s a dead end. I hate endings, especially bad ones. I like the idea that there are always going to be beginnings. Always.

So, I suck it up, walk it off, get over it, and pretend as though nothing has happened. I have no wish to make another person feel bad from my pity party. Hehe, it’s MY party, and I’ll cry if I want to: not going to drag someone else down with me.

Best and worst example of all time for me? Vegeta.

So, I didn’t really kick his ass the first time we met. Of course, he doesn’t see it the way I do. I did have friends to help me in chasing him off the world we both now call home. I am glad they were there to help me out. Whether or not they know it, it gave them all a since of accomplishment to know that they had lent a hand in helping to save our planet.

I’ve thought about it a lot, why he thinks I won that round. There is only one explanation. In that one battle, and that one alone, he was the stronger. He’s smart enough, he has to know this, the evidence was right there in his grip. He’s chosen to be all pissy about the fact I have grown stronger than him since.

So, if it isn’t the strength thing that is bothering him, it’s something else. Something he truly prides himself on. The same ‘smarts’ as I mentioned before.

He picks on beings so much stronger than him all the time, it’s a surprise he’s only died twice. Awe, what a temper, that’s really his only undoing.

So, the smarts thing must have really been a bitch when I tried to befriend him one of the few ways I know how. He probably expected to be able to have an intellectual conversation with me the first time we met off of the battleground, maybe even something along the lines of even footing. Something I am certain he hasn’t had in a really long time. Nappa was stupid, no getting around that. Radditz wasn’t even close to Vegeta’s power before he died. Freiza was both too powerful and too evil to have actually ever been an equal friend. Not to mention the whole, ‘I took you from your father and destroyed your planet’, problem a friendship like that would have had to surmount.

Instead what does he get? I played the clown, unknowingly insulting him further. The evidence of my actions told him he had been overcome by a stupid weakling. Man, that has to stick in his craw.

So, right now, my pity party is all about this avoidable beginning, how it could have been different, if I had done what I know I am capable of and showed the real me to my prince.

Then I could have had a friend on even footing also.

Bulma, my first and best friend is really so far above me intellectually that we easily get bored talking to each other. She laughs when she sees the dazed look in my eyes after she’s been talking about this or that gizmo or new invention. However, she doesn’t think of me as stupid. She’s come to understand herself well enough that if she was going to take that point of view, everyone around her is stupid. No, she realizes it’s that she is above average.

Krillin, is a good friend, but I’ve had to play the idiot around him for so long that if I changed, he’d freak. My power is too much for us to be equals. I saw his developing jealousy of my power and abilities when we were both still very young. I tried to even out our friendship by playing the simpleton. It seems to have worked for him, but I can’t hold up the farce for very long around him any more. Just long enough for the barbeques and such. When we are battling an enemy, I don’t have time to worry about whether or not he is gauging my mental capacity.

Yamcha is a player. I am not. Enough said.

Chichi has never been a ‘friend’ to me. Maybe that’s why this marriage is doomed. Maybe, if she and I were friends before we were husband and wife, this could have worked. She never gave the relationship that chance though. She thought I had to be tricked into these vows, and maybe I did need to be. Chances are, had I know at the time, I wouldn’t have been willing to give up my freedom to be with her, or with any one person for that matter.

So what’s to stop me now? Not a thing any more really. I’ll try to explain it as best I can why it complicated my past, but won’t do the same for my future.

Words on a piece of paper are just that to both humans and sayians alike. Words: a way to communicate or send a message.

However, there is an immense difference between the two species on the spoken word. Unless a human has had a great deal of training and focus, spoken words are still that to a human. The words can be changed, manipulated, taken back: in a simpler term, lying.

The spoken word to a sayian however is something else. Binding. I think it has something to do with the power we hold as a basic inheritance. Power plus spoken word equals being bound by what was spoken.

In this case, omissions do not count. If it’s not spoken, then it’s not binding.

Do my wedding vows take on a whole new meaning to you now?

I am very happy to report that it was my wife who wrote my wedding vows. She made them very traditional. Had I written them, I would have been very unconventional about them. The traditional words have given me a loophole that the unconventional wouldn’t have.

“Until death do us part.” I laugh every time I think of it now. Makes me giddy. Can’t help it. I’ve already died; twice. I am no longer bound by those spoken words.

Now if I only knew what I was going to do with this new discovered freedom.

Well, I do have one idea.

Vegeta has never lied to me. What he said and what I saw were always one and the same.

I have never spoken a lie to Vegeta, but I think that’s why my unplanned omissions and odd behaviors that have tainted any potential relationship with animosity on his part.

I am going to try to regain my footing by following his example: being one and the same.

I think Vegeta needs to check his footing.