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Mirrors of Yesterday	By : ZaKai Category: Fullmetal Alchemist > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1942 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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�

Mirrors of Yesterday

VI

Shards of a Broken
Belief

�

Ed
scratched idly at his face as he scribbled some notes in the margin of the text
he was reading.� Even though it had been
almost six months since he�d started disguising himself, he still wasn�t used to
having facial hair.� He�d always
preferred to stay clean shaven, much to Alphonse�s irritation.� For some reason, his brother had trouble
growing facial hair�though he had managed to keep a decent looking mustache�while
Ed seemed to have gotten their father�s ability to grow a forest on his
face.� He would have gladly traded, as he
preferred the clean cut look to the more �mature� one and would have liked to
shave less often.

Yet,
despite the fact that Ed disliked it, he�d decided to grow it anyway to help
with his disguise.� He kept the beard and
mustache very short and neatly trimmed, and according to Roy it looked rather nice on him, but it was
still a bother.� Keeping the damn thing
the right color was time consuming and it made his face itch.

A loud
peal of thunder sounded and Ed looked up for a moment before sighing and
shutting the book.� It had been raining
hard since yesterday, and this made him feel a little melancholy.� It hadn�t rained this bad since he�d first
come here over seven months ago.

The sound
of the door opening met his ears, and Ed turned to see Roy letting himself in.� �Hungry?� Ed asked automatically, getting up
and walking to the kitchen.

�No,� Roy grunted as he hung his
rain coat up, then slipped out of his military jacket and hung that up as well.�

�No?� Ed
asked, stopping in mid-stride and turning around.� That was unusual.� Roy
wasn�t always famished when he came home, but he was always hungry.� Instead of answering, Roy flopped down on the couch and covered his
eyes with his arm.

Ed tapped
his fingers against his trousers for a moment, then
moved to make some hot tea.� It was a
cold day outside, and that would probably be the best thing right now.� After making the tea, Ed poured a cup for Roy and for himself, then moved to the couch.

�Here,�
Ed said, holding the cup down where Roy
could reach it.� Roy moved his arm away from his eyes and
looked from the cup to Ed, then back to the cup in consideration before sitting
up and taking it.

Roy took a sip, then
said, not meeting Ed�s eyes, �Fullmetal is up for his evaluation.�

�Makes me
glad I�m not in the military anymore,� Ed commented in an offhand way, but
apparently this wasn�t quite what Roy
wanted by the look on his face.

�He wants
to duel with me,� Roy
grunted.� He looked less than pleased.

Ed
blinked, then laughed.�
�Oh yeah...� he said, then stopped himself from
saying more.

�Oh yeah?� Roy
repeated, sounding a little irritated.�
He glanced up at Ed with tired looking eyes.

�I�d just
forgotten about it,� Ed said in an offhand manner, then took a sip of his
tea.� After their battle assessment, he
and the colonel had talked as they worked to repair the parade grounds.� It had been one of the few times he�d gotten
a glimpse at the �real� Roy Mustang; though, at the time, Ed hadn�t really
realized what he was seeing.�

�You�ll
be fine,� Ed said, then tried to change the subject, �I made an Italian recipe
for dinner tonight.� I had to change a
few of the ingredients because they�re just not available here, but��

�I don�t
want to fight him,� Roy
broke in, and Ed frowned.� This was
obviously an issue for him.� Ed
remembered the colonel saying something about having seen some terrible things
in Ishbal, but he�d never actually said why he
hesitated...

�Why?� Ed
asked, wondering if he�d get answers tonight.

Roy glanced away and sipped at the
tea quietly for several minutes, then asked in a heavy tone, �How much do you
know about me?�

Ed
blinked.� It wasn�t exactly what he�d
been expecting.� He thought on it for a
moment, then asked cautiously, �What do you mean?�

�I
mean...�� He stopped, then
started again.� �Before I met you at the
bookstore and you began living here, how much did you know about me...
personally...�

�Not
much.� I knew you�d fought in Ishbal, but everyone knows that.� I knew you were at the top of your class in
the military academy and that you were the youngest person to become a State
Alchemist before me; but, again, everyone knows that.�� He paused, contemplating whether or not his
next words would be alright to say, then said, �You once told me you�d seen
some... unpleasant... things in Ishbal, but you
didn�t say more than that.��

It was
close enough to when Roy
would tell him that Ed felt okay about saying so, but he kept the conversation
he�d had with the colonel in the car to himself, as well as the knowledge about
him killing Winry�s parents.�

There was
silence except for the rain outside, then suddenly, Roy got up and walked to
the kitchen where he discarded the tea and got himself something a little
stronger to drink.� He stood at the
counter with his back to Ed for a moment before saying, �I killed people in Ishbal.�

It was
almost too faint for Ed to hear, but he did, and when Roy didn�t say anything else, Ed set the tea
cup down on the floor, then moved over to him and said quietly, �You were just
doing as you�d been commanded to do...��

�Exactly...�
Roy said
angrily, then took a deep drink, emptying the glass.� �I did as I was told.� It wasn�t a war, it was an
extermination.� Men, women,
children... it didn�t matter.� We were to
kill them all, and we did...� Oh yes... at
first we went in there and did the dirty work up close.� I watched as people fled in terror before me,
but it didn�t do them any good...�

Roy stopped talking, then poured himself another glass.� �Then there came a time...�� A pause and a drink.� �We... I...
did a lot of damage... dammit...�� Ed could hear regret in Roy�s voice at the last word and watched as
he quickly drank the liquor in the glass.�
�I didn�t want to kill them...� Roy
whispered heavily, then reached out for the bottle
again.

At that,
Ed stepped forward and put his hand on Roy�s.� �Don�t...� Ed murmured, and wondered if he
should interfere with this.� Had Roy drank himself silly
the night before their fight?� Would
stopping him from doing so change things?�
Ed didn�t know, but before he could dwell on this further, Roy had turned and now
had a hold on Ed�s hand.� He stepped
forward and pulled Ed close to him.�

�You
don�t understand...� Roy
said harshly.� There was a hint of
desperation in his tone, and a note of sick fear and remorse as well.� �I can�t fight Fullmetal... he�s just a kid!�

�Roy...� Ed began, but
stopped when Roy
pulled back, grabbed his shoulders, and began to shake him.

�Why?� he
shouted in a distressed voice.� �Why did you make such a stupid request?!�� Ed, not pleased with being manhandled, kicked
Roy in the
shin�hard enough to make him let go, but soft enough as to not cause him any
real damage.

�I may be
older, but I can still kick your ass,� Ed said irritably, then shrugged his
shoulders to release some tension and said, �Don�t do that again.�

�I�m
sorry...� Roy
murmured regretfully, not meeting his eyes, then made
to reach for the bottle again, but Ed stepped forward and caught his arm.� He could feel Roy shaking beneath his hold and felt a stab
of pity for the man.� It was obvious that
this was causing Roy
a lot of pain, yet he was trying so hard to keep it locked inside.� All those years ago, he hadn�t known that it
bothered Roy
this much to do the battle assessment... �He almost felt a bit guilty for having
insisted on it...

�Let�s
talk about this on the couch; without the alcohol.� Alright?� Ed
suggested kindly.

Roy moved his gaze and stared at him
for a time, then closed his eyes and nodded slowly.� �Alright...��
Ed nodded and guided Roy
out of the kitchen.� �Why did you ask for
this battle assessment, Ed?� Roy
asked dully.� Ed took a seat, but instead
of sitting by him, Roy
sat at his desk.

�Because,
I thought you were an asshole and I wanted to put you in your place,� Ed said
simply.� There was no point in trying to
make himself look better.

Roy made a sound of irritation, then
said, �You were a little shit, you know that?�

�Yeah, I
know,� Ed said, picking the tea cup up and taking a sip.� He wondered if his teenage self would have
felt guilty had he known how much this was bothering his commanding
officer.� He contemplated it for a moment
before coming to the conclusion that he probably would have felt a twinge of
guilt but would have gone through with it anyway.� How strange it was that time and age could
change a person so much...

Roy turned in his chair and stared
down at the book Ed had been studying before he�d come home.� �Well... you�re still alive, so it must not
have turned out that bad...� Roy
reasoned aloud, then set the book aside and started flipping through a folder.

Ed
watched in disappointment as Roy
began to lose himself in his work.� He�d
been hoping that he�d learn more about what happened in Ishbal�not
that he hadn�t learned more, but...
well...� I�m turning into a nosy old woman, Ed thought derisively as he
finished his tea.� If Roy
doesn�t want to tell me, then that�s his business, not mine.

He sat
there for several minutes, hoping Roy
would come back to the subject, but when he didn�t, Ed stood up and headed
toward the kitchen to dish some dinner up for both himself and Roy.

His eyes
fixed on the bottle of liquor and he glanced quickly back at Roy before taking a drink directly out of the
bottle.� It wasn�t exactly the most
refined thing to do, and he�d listened to Roy
bitch about him drinking directly from containers before, but he simply didn�t
see the need to dirty a glass just because he wanted one swig.�

Putting
the bottle away, Ed thought about what Roy
had said.� Tomorrow was the battle assessment...� That meant that the younger him was here in East City
to report about Lior, and if he�d already been to Lior, that meant that Scar
was on the loose, and that the homunculi were hunting him and Al...�

He pulled
two plates from the cupboard and began dishing out the food.� From here, things escalated so
quickly...� There would be the
Laboratory-5 incident, and then he and Al would end up going to Dublith.� Somewhere
in that time, Maes Hughes would be killed and Roy�along with a few subordinates�would be
transferred back to Central, and then...

Ed set a
fork on each of the plates and stared down at the food.� And then there would be chaos.� The homunculi, his father, the Stone, Lior,
Dante, the hidden city...� It would all
happen so fast...� He turned and glanced
back at Roy, who was sitting blissfully unaware of what the future held, and
suddenly he was afraid.

He had
about a year before his younger self faced Dante in the hidden city�a year
before he left this world behind...�
After that Ed was clueless as to what would happen here.� Not completely clueless, Al had told him a
few things after they�d been reunited, but his brother hadn�t paid a lot of attention
to the world around him.� He�d been so
concentrated on finding Ed that anything which didn�t directly pertain to his
goal was all but ignored.

But it
wasn�t only the unknown which made Ed fear, it was what he knew would happen in
this next year.� There would come a time
when Roy would
have to leave him to fend for himself as he became more entangled and involved
in the upheaval caused by the homunculi.

Ed
frowned.� He�d thought of finding a way
to somehow help the people who had suffered, people like Hughes...� He could find a way to prevent him from
dying!� But...
Ed knew that he shouldn�t, knew that the unforeseen consequences could be
disastrous...� Those thoughts had
tormented him for several months until he found an uneasy compromise within
himself that he could be putting others at risk by trying to save those who
were destined to die...� And still, it
took all his inner self-control to not meddle...�

So, his life had become a simple one�research and take care of Roy.� What would he do with himself when Roy was gone?� He�d be alone again...� Grabbing Roy�s plate, Ed tried to force all the
unpleasant thoughts out of his mind and walked to the desk.� He stopped and stood there looking down at Roy�who was engrossed in
whatever he was currently reading.�

Ed
studied the man�s fine, black hair; studied the skin of Roy�s neck and where it disappeared when it
met the white shirt he was wearing.� He
studied Roy as
a whole; the way he sat, slightly hunched over the desk while delicately
holding the paper; how his eyeglasses would move slightly when his brow
crinkled in thought...�

One day Roy wouldn�t be able to
wear those glasses anymore.� One of his
eyes would be covered by an eye patch from an incident Ed had no knowledge
of.� Alphonse hadn�t known, and Ed hadn�t
had the time to ask, since there were more pressing matters to attend to the one
brief time he�d come back to this world.

�You�d
better not be thinking of skipping dinner,� Ed said finally and set the plate
down on the paper-strewn desk.� He didn�t
want to worry about these things, and he tried to concentrate on simply taking
care of Roy
now.

�Too
late,� Roy
muttered, moving the plate aside.� �I�ve
already thought about it.�

Ed
frowned in displeasure before reaching over and moving the food back in front
of Roy.� �I don�t like throwing away food.�

�I won�t
throw it away,� Roy
insisted, again moving the dish aside.

Frustration
welled up with in him, and Ed growled, �How are you supposed to keep up your
strength tomorrow if you don�t eat properly!�

Roy set the paper down on the desk,
turned in his chair, gave Ed an angry stare, and said sternly, �Stop it.�

Ed
blinked in surprise.� �Stop what?�

�I�m not
your little brother; stop treating me like I am.�

�I�m
not�� Ed began, but Roy
cut him off.

�I�ve
seen how you�your younger self�treats Alphonse.�
I�ve watched them whenever they�ve been around, and yes, you do treat me like
I�m your younger brother.� I want you to
stop it.� I�m a grown man and I was
living fine on my own before you got here.�

Ed opened
his mouth and shut it again.� He knew
that Roy was
simply in a bad mood and that he�d been drinking, which only escalated his foul
temper, but he couldn�t help but feel hurt at these words.�

�I... I�m
sorry...� he said softly.� �I... simply
care about your well being...�� He didn�t
know what else to say.

Roy turned and looked down at his desk.� �Why?� he asked quietly.� �Why do you care?� What am I to you anyway?�

Ed
swallowed the lump forming in his throat.�
�You�re my friend...� he choked out.�
They�d become very good
friends, but Ed knew there was more to it for both of them.� Roy
cared for him and wanted him; he�d said it straight out.� And Ed... he felt something...�

He missed
Roy terribly when he was at work and looked
forward to bedtime because he was able to find comfort in Roy�s arms.�
In the darkness they would hold each other, and sometimes he would think
about how Roy
felt about him and wonder if he could ever return those feelings.� Could he kiss Roy without feeling hesitant?� Could he let Roy touch him and explore his body?� Could he do that in return?� Ed already felt as if he had a strong bond
with Roy, but could he take what they had to the
level Roy
wanted?

A sort,
derisive laugh sounded from Roy
before he said, �Friend, huh?�

�Roy...� Ed murmured, feeling
extremely uncomfortable.� This line of
discussion was always a touchy subject.�
�Let�s not talk about this right now.��
He felt nervous, as if he was being backed into a corner and forced to
take a deeper look at himself than he really wanted.

Glancing
up from the desk to look at Ed, Roy
ignored Ed�s request and asked, �Do you treat all your friends like you treat
me?�

Ed was
silent for a moment, then murmured, �No...�� He turned to start back toward the kitchen,
to get away from Roy�s
piercing gaze and pointed questions, but stopped when he felt his wrist being
grabbed.

�Please...�
Roy whispered,
and Ed turned to see the man standing up and looking at him with a somber and
desperate expression.� �Don�t you feel anything else for me?� Anything at all?�

Blood
pounded loud in Ed�s ears and he wondered if his heart would explode from the
pressure.� He wanted to say �no�, wanted
to maintain the fact that there was no way he could ever feel anything passionate for another male.� He could never have those types of
feelings.� They were
wrong�unnatural.� Close friendship was
okay, he�d had that with Alfons...� But
was it really natural to be so emotionally close to another male?� Wasn�t that almost just as intimate as
touching, kissing, and... sex?�

He�d
thought a lot about it in the past couple of months and the more he thought
about the men he knew in his life, the more he became convinced that it wasn�t a normal thing for most of
them.� As far as he knew, they weren�t
close to other males in the way he�d been with Alfons and the way he was with Roy, but it felt natural
to Ed...�

When he�d
come to such conclusions, he�d tried to rationalize it by arguing that he�d
never learned such social barriers in friendship because Alphonse had been his
closest friend and they had possessed such a close physical bond.� And with Alfons?� Well, they�d been young, still children,
really...� It hadn�t been like that...

But it didn�t
work, and Ed knew he was simply trying to deceive himself.� �

Alphonse
was his brother.� They were family.� It wasn�t the same as getting hugs from other
men who weren�t family...� And Alfons...� Yes, they had been young, but at the time, he
hadn�t felt like a child.� It was only in
the perception of looking back that he felt that way.� The relationship that he and Alfons had
possessed...� They�d been so very close;
and now, Ed realized that if Alfons would have had his way, they would have
been closer... would have had what Roy
wanted...� They could have been so much
more, and Ed just might have been okay with it...

Slowly,
Ed let his eyes meet Roy�s
and felt fear and nervousness course through his body as he opened his mouth
and whispered, �Yes...�� Roy blinked in surprise.� Ed had rejected him so many times that he
seemed unable to grasp the idea that his affections might actually be wanted.

�You...� Roy breathed in disbelief,
but trailed off as if he couldn�t find the words to continue.

Ed turned
away as blood rushed to his face.� He
couldn�t stand to have Roy
see his discomfort.� �I do feel something for you...� he
managed, then paused, trying to gather his thoughts.� �But, I�m really confused, okay?� he finally
said, uncomfortable with saying such private thoughts.� �I don�t... I don�t want to be pushed into something
I�m not ready for...�

When
there was no reply, Ed turned around.� Roy was staring at him
with an almost dazed expression, then he seemed to get
a hold on himself.� Swallowing, Roy said cautiously,
�And... what are you ready for right now?�

Ed
thought about it for a moment, then stepped forward so
that his body was almost touching Roy�s.� His eyes searched Roy�s face in nervous anticipation.� He thought about all the time he�d spent with
Roy and how
well they�d gotten along; thought about all the nights they�d lain in each
other�s arms...�

A small
shake began to develop in his body as he thought of Alfons.� Was it possible that his friend had actually
felt this deeply for him, but had hidden it under a blanket of denial to
appease a society who hated him for being different?�

Years
worth of fears and learned prejudices assaulted him from all sides, and he nearly
lost his nerve, then his eyes locked on Roy�s
obsidian ones and for once, his mind was quiet. He took a deep breath, slid his
hand behind Roy�s head, and pulled it down
slightly toward him and whispered, �This...� before pressing his lips gently
against Roy�s.

His hand
slid up through Roy�s
hair, creating a pleasant sensation against his palm.� It was so real.� The fine hairs, Roy�s skull beneath them, the
feel of Roy�s lips on his, the warm breath that escaped Roy�s nose and tickled
his face as he breathed out... everything...�
It was all so real... and it all felt so good...�

They
stayed that way for a moment before Ed hesitantly broke the kiss and said,
�Nothing more.� Not right now.� I...��
He swallowed.� His heart was
racing and he worked to deal with all the new feelings cropping up inside of
him.� �I feel... things... for you,
but... this...�� He lightly brushed his thumb across Roy�s lips.� �This will take some getting used to...��

Ed looked away, not able to say anything else.�
He felt emotionally naked; stripped of all the objections and barriers
he�d put between Roy and himself.� He
still felt ashamed�as if he was giving into something base and undesirable�but
he felt an immense amount of relief as well.�
He�d made a decision to pursue a relationship with Roy, and it felt... right.�

Ed
wrapped his arms around Roy�s
body, and rested his forehead on his chest.�
A moment later he felt himself being held as well.� Despite how many other times they had been
this close, this time felt different.� Ed
wasn�t just considering Roy
as a platonic friend, he was seeing him as a potential lover�and that made all
the difference in the world.

�

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Mirrors of Yesterday