Shiver

Chapter 9

Sacrifice

"Put the word out, if anyone saw him at all this morning, I want to know about it." I was pacing my office. Something felt very wrong.

"Yes, Colonel." Riza Hawkeye appeared calm and serious. I knew this was her game face, the one she wore when she went into action.

I stopped pacing and looked at her directly. "Then start a search of the city. I want no stone unturned. And, get me the latest files on the whereabouts of the homunculus."

"Yes, sir." Riza saluted and left my office.
I stepped to my window and looked out over the city, as if somehow I'd be able to sense where he was. I whispered, "What's happened to you, Ed?"

xxx

I looked up from my report just as Major Armstrong entered my office with Riza close behind. They both stopped in front of my desk.

"Colonel, I may have found something," Armstrong said.

"Yes?" I put my papers down. Riza had a worried look on her face, making me anxious again.

"I found an officer who swears he saw Fullmetal get into a cab with you this morning," Armstrong said.

"Oh, no." I couldn't look at them. Instead, I peered at my gloved hands, fisted on my desk. Now, it all made sense. It was obvious. Envy had been infiltrating Central headquarters and had Edward. All the previous days activities flashed before my eyes, the way I'd gotten Ed to be submissive. "No." My eyes clenched shut against the thought of how Envy could use it against him if he found out. "No."

"Roy?" Riza had stepped forward and placed her hand on my desk.

I was in agony. My body actually started to shake. I looked up at Riza.

"Roy? What's wrong? You don't look like yourself." Riza's brows were furrowed with worry.

"I, uh, damn." I glanced at Armstrong. I had to tell them, they needed to know the gravity of the situation. But it had to handled delicately. "Major, can I have a word alone with the Lieutenant?" My insides churned. I felt sick to my stomach.

"Of course. I'll wait outside." Armstrong strode out of the office and shut the door.

My attention focused on Riza. I stood. "Please, take a seat on the couch, I have something to tell you."

She did as I asked.

My teeth clenched and unclenched as I took a seat beside her.

"What is it, Roy? This isn't like you."

I couldn't look at her and say what I had to say. "You know the other day when we were all at the pub?"

"Yes."

I sighed. "Well, something started between me and Edward."

"Yes, I know."

I glanced at her. "You know?"

She shifted uneasily in her seat and frowned at the far wall for a moment. "People saw you kiss him outside, sir."

"Oh. Yes, well, things sort of escalated quickly and got a little out of hand." I clenched my teeth again.

"What did you do to him?"

I looked at her, confused about her question. Was she already accusing me of doing something wrong? "He is eighteen, now, Lieutenant."

She sighed. "I know, but he's had something for you for so long. I hope you didn't take advantage of it."

"What?" Damn, I felt like scum. Because I knew, with that one simple statement, that was exactly what I'd done.

"Well, you have a history of using people." Her words were matter-of-fact.

I let out a loud exhale. "You're right. And I did a terrible thing. Damn-it, Riza." I fisted my hands again, unable to get the right words out.

She turned and put her hands over mine. "Roy, just tell me what happened. What are we up against? I understand Edward might very well think he's with you right now."

I shook my head slowly, trying to make myself tell her what we did. "He was . . . I made him my . . . I made him submissive."

She gasped and put her hand over her mouth. "You did what? What does that mean?"

I'd never seen her calm demeanor vanish so quickly. "We had an arrangement. He wasn't supposed to ask questions. He could only do what I told him to do. If he wanted something, he had to beg me." I waited for my explanation to sink in, hoping she'd understand.

"Forgive me, Roy, but I have to clarify this. Was this arrangement sexual in nature?"

I grit my teeth. "Yes."

She took a deep inhale of breath and sat back against the couch. "You've set him up to be raped or worse."

I flinched. Her word stung me. "Yes." I felt tears sting my eyes. "I need a minute." It surprised me. I hadn't felt the need to cry since Maes' death.

Riza stood and silently walked out of my office, shutting the door again behind her.

I felt a rage build in my chest. I was horrible. It was all my fault. He loved me, loved, me. And look at what I'd done to him. I was the soulless monster, not Envy. Me.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit something. But, it wouldn't look professional. I had to contain my rage and self-loathing somehow. I had to focus on getting him back unharmed. I felt a tear race down my cheek. I swiped it away, stood up, and strode out of the office. I'd find him, even if it killed me.

xxx

Hawkeye, Armstrong, and Alphonse all stood next to me looking over a map of the city sprawled out on a conference table. We'd pinpointed all the places we knew the homunculus had been. We'd interrogated the cab company and found out a cab had been stolen. "Think, people, if you wanted to hold a state alchemist hostage, where would you go?"

"Do you think they could have taken him out of the city?" Alphonse asked.

I felt sorry for him. "They could have, but I don't think they'd need to. Why take a cab if they were going to take him out of the city?"

"What about here." Riza pointed to the warehouse district. "Has it been searched yet?"

"Yes, nothing was found." It was the most likely spot. My anger built, it seemed so hopeless. I pounded my fist on the map, making everyone jump. "Damn-it!"

"Colonel." Alphonse laid a hand on my forearm.

I couldn't look at him, it was his brother, his only family I'd so carelessly mistreated.

Fuery trotted into the room with a folded paper in his hand. "Sir, this just came for you."

I straightened and took the note from him, opening it. All eyes were focused on me. I looked down at the note. The handwriting appeared to be from a woman.

Mustang,
Meet me on the corner of Main and 12th right way. Alone.

I looked back up at them, shoving the note into my pocket. "I have to go." I took long steps toward the door.

Alphonse spoke, "But, Colonel –"

I whirled around. "Keep trying to find him." I strode out of the room.

xxx

I pulled up at the corner of Main and 14th in my car. After parking, I glanced at my pocket watch. It was already three o'clock. "Damn-it." I climbed out of the car and walked to the corner, looking around me for anyone suspicious. But, this area of the city was fairly quiet, even for this time of day. The sun shone in my eyes as I gazed at the buildings around me, mostly broken down and abandoned. We'd already searched here, I reminded myself.

After waiting for a few minutes, a hooded figure walked up to me. The hood conveniently covered their face.

"Colonel Mustang," a smug woman's voice said.

"Lust?" I recognized the voice right away.

The hood lifted and I saw a flash of her face.

I felt anger swelling in my chest. "Where is he? What have you sick bastards done to him?" I asked, through my teeth.

She walked around and stood behind me. I felt her long pointed finger run down my back. "Oh, we're not the sick ones. Oh no, Colonel Roy Mustang. Seems you've created a little slave back there at military headquarters. A younger, male, sex slave, just for your own pleasure, who'd have thought you were so wicked?" She chuckled.

Standing otherwise perfectly still, I pressed my fingers to my thumb, ready to ignite her at will. What she said drove a dagger through my heart, but I wouldn't let it effect me. "What do you want."

"A deal." Her finger ran up my back, then stopped and pressed hard.

"What sort of deal."

Sighing, she stepped away from me and came around to face me. "Listen, I don't like what Envy is doing to him. It's not . . .right."
I gasped, feeling terror, remorse, and guilt grip my heart. "What is he doing to him?" I was pretty sure I already knew, but I asked anyway.

She seemed to shudder and look away. "I can't, it's just not right. You have to go get him. Envy won't reason with me. Nothing is worth what he's doing to that boy."

Reaching out, I grabbed her shoulders. "Where is he?"

She looked directly at me, anger flashed in her dark eyes. "You have to make the deal first."

"What? Tell me. I'll make any deal you want."

"I want amnesty. I want access to the philosophers stone when the Elrics find it."

"Deal. It's done."

"Prove it."

I looked around me for a moment, how could I prove something like that? "You have my word."

"Not good enough."

I was at a loss. I shook her. "What the hell do you want me to do? It's not like I'm in a position to draft the paperwork for such a thing right here on the street."

She glared at me, raising her arms and breaking my hold. Her robe rustled for a moment, then opened while she held a manila envelope out to me. "I'm not as stupid as I look."

Gazing down at it, I took it from her hand. I opened it, taking out the papers inside and looking them over. It was a report, written on military letterhead, disclosing my forbidden and wholly inappropriate affair with Fullmetal in great detail. At the end was a place for my signature. It dawned on me. This was a confession to a crime.

"Sign this and I'll tell you where Edward is. I'll only turn it in to the Fuhrer if you break our deal." She held out a pen and smirked at me.

I couldn't sign it fast enough. "Tell me where he is."

"1210 N. Main, basement. You'll need this." She handed me a key. "I'll distract Envy for you. There shouldn't be any problems."

Taking the key, I shoved it in my front pocket. I handed the report back to her, confused. "We searched that building. There wasn't anything there." If she were lying to me, I'd scorch her right now.

"Ah, Colonel, you think we don't have ways of getting around your pathetic enlisted men? He's there, trust me." Smiling she tucked the paperwork back into her robe.

I scoffed at her. "Trust a homunculus."

"You don't have a choice now, do you." She turned and made her way down the empty street with enough blackmail to end my career and put me in prison for most of the remainder of my life.

xxx

I made my way down a stairwell in the building Lust had told me about. There'd been no sign of Envy and no reason to use a key, so I assumed she was either holding up her end of the bargain or she'd just lied to me.

My heart stopped as I stepped through a doorway. "Oh my God." I raced across the room. Edward was sitting with his knees drawn up, facing the wall, with his arms raised above his head in shackles, hair loose on his back, naked.

I knelt down beside him and laid a hand on his back, not sure if he'd allow my touch after what must have happened. "I'm so sorry, Ed, so sorry." I felt tears pool in my eyes.

His head slowly turned to me. A tear rolled down an already wet cheek. He didn't appear to recognize me at first. All his spirit seemed drained out of him. "I did it, Roy, I cleaned up my mess, just like you wanted."

I had no idea what he was talking about. "That's good, Ed. Let's get you out of here, okay?"

"S-so, I was good enough. I don't need to be punished anymore." His voice was monotone and quiet.

As I stood, my breath hitched, a sob escaped me. I didn't want to know what he was talking about. It only brought terrible images to mind. Hold on, I told myself. I had to be strong enough to get him out of here. Now I knew what the key was for. I used it to take the shackles off each of his wrists and bent down to retrieve his clothing from the floor. They'd been left in a heap.

When I turned around, my heart broke. He was just standing there, his head lowered, defeated. Not at all the same young alchemist who stole my heart a few days ago. Wait, did I just think he stole my heart? He did, I realized, in that very moment. I loved him. Dearly. But, what I'd done to him was unforgivable.

I helped him get dressed, as gentle and tender as I could be. As I guided his arms into his black jacket, tears began to roll down my face. I just couldn't stop them.

When he was completely dressed, he stood in front of me, looking up into my face. He appeared distressed, suddenly. "Roy, you're crying." Placing his hands on my cheeks, he wiped the tears away with his thumbs. His automail hand was cool on my face.

Like he had any reason to comfort me, I thought. I broke down, right then and there. It was all too much. Seizing his small body, I drew him in so close I might have crushed him. I began to sob, clutching at strands of his hair and pieces of his robe. My shoulders heaved against him. "I'm sorry, Ed, so sorry. I never should have started this. It was too dangerous. It's all my fault, all my fault."

"N-no, Roy. Don't call it off. Don't break the arrangement. Please, I-I love you. I can't lose you, please." He started to weep into my chest.

I realized he was so far gone, he didn't understand what was happening or what I was apologizing for. I had to get him home, somewhere where I could get through to him. He still didn't know he'd been with Envy all day and not me. The thought ripped me up inside. "Sh . . . it's okay. I won't break the arrangement. Not ever. You will never lose me, do you hear me?"

He quieted. I led him out of the building, with my arm around him, all the way out to my car.

xxx

After opening the door to my house, I led him directly into my bedroom. My only intention was to get him someplace comfortable where we could talk in private.

As soon as we entered the room he turned into me. I felt his erection brush against my thigh. Damn, he must think I took him here to have sex.

"Roy, take me, please. I want you." He stood there, looking at the floor, hands fisting and opening.

Guilt ate my insides. I couldn't believe, after what must have happened, he still wanted me like this. I pushed him away and grasped his shoulders. "Ed, look at me.

He glanced at either side of my face.

I shook him. "I said, look at me."

Cowering, his eyes rested on mine. He was in agony. It was all over his beautiful face. Unshed tears glistened in Ed's eyes. "You want me. You said you did. I'm ready, Roy, ready to do whatever you want. Please, I waited. I did it. I cleaned up my mess."

I had to get the truth into him, no matter how jarring it might be, no matter how much he might hate me for it. I had to take the chance. "Ed, listen to me. This is very important. That was not me you were with at the warehouse. That was Envy." I waited.

The desperate, pleading look remained in his eyes, as if he was completely unaffected by my words. "But, you want me."

I shook him again. "Snap out of it! It was Envy. Whatever happened, whatever 'punishment' you were made to endure, it was all Envy. He's the one who took you there, in a cab, this morning. He pretended to be me. I was at the office, waiting for you." My voice broke. As I saw understanding unfold in his lovely, tortured eyes, my guilt ravaged me. I felt tears in my eyes again. Would it never end? I held onto his shoulders, keeping my eyes on his.

"N-no, Roy. It couldn't have been. The arrangement, he knew about the arrangement. H-he . . . he . . . you made me give you a blow job. I was bad, I had to be punished." His eyes filled with fresh tears.

"No, Ed." I slowly shook my head.

"Y-you made love to me. I-I was on the floor, hands and knees, like you wanted."

"No, Ed." A tear rolled down my face.

"Y-you made me beg. You made me let Havoc take me. You made me let Hawkeye g-give me a blow-job. You didn't want me to come on the wall when you took me in the shackles. But I did and you made me lick it off!" Panting, glaring, his voice had become shrill.

"Oh, God. No, Ed!" I screamed at him. He had to understand it wasn't me. Knowing what Envy did cut me to the core. No wonder Lust wanted to make a deal. I was breathing heavily, afraid to see what would come next, still reeling from what that bastard had done to him.

Ed's face was twisted in confusion. Slowly, his expression changed. He almost looked like he would smile. Then, his mouth opened and his hand reached up to cover it. His brows furrowed and big heavy tears spilled down both cheeks. No sound came out of him while he crumbled before me, falling to the floor in a ball of blond hair and red robe.

With my hands following his decent, I crouched beside him. It was then he started to wail. I'd never heard a human being sound like that. It scared the hell out of me. Immediately, I threw my body over his and held him tight.

He rocked himself in my arms. His voice was jumbled and soft. "No, no, no, no . . . "

"It's okay, Ed. It'll be all right. I'm here now. It's really me. I won't let anything happen to you. I swear, he'll never touch you again. I love you, Ed. I love you, so much. So much." It was surreal, what came out of me. But it was pure and true. I didn't know if he heard it, but I said it anyway, over and over. I'd continue to say it if it would ease a tiny bit of his pain.

Finally, he was quiet. I raised myself up and watched him slowly come to sitting.

He sniffled and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Let's get you to bed so you can rest."

He nodded and stood.

I guided him to the side of the bed and helped him remove his robe, jacket, boots and pants. When I went to raise his black shirt over his head, he stopped me.

"No."

"Okay, we'll leave that on." He'd been exposed enough, I was sure. I lowered the covers for him and watched him climb into my bed.

Turning his back on me, he curled himself into a tight ball.

I sat on the edge of the bed and rested my hand on his side. "Listen, I have to make a phone call. Everyone is worried sick—"

"Don't leave me." His voice was soft.

I flinched. "I'll make the call and be right back. Do you want me to lay down with you?"

He sniffled. "Yes."

"Okay." I got up and strode into my kitchen. After finding the phone, I picked it up and dialed Hawkeye's number.

"Leutenant Hawkeye, here."

"Riza?"

"Roy, are you okay?"

The phone blurred. I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn't for a moment.

"Roy?"

"I-I'm fine." More tears, damn, I don't think I'd ever cried like this before.

"You don't sound fine."

I grit my teeth. "I'm fine. I found him he's—"

"You found him? He's alive? He's okay? Where are you?"

"Relax. He's alive. Not sure how okay he is. He's resting at my house. I'm going to stay here with him awhile. Keep looking for Envy, if you find the bastard take him into custody. I want to kill him myself."

"Yes, sir."

I hung up the phone. No more talking.

I walked back to my bedroom, wiping my eyes with my fingers. Not even the war in Ishbal affected me the way this had. After making it to my bed, I slid off my military jacket, shoes, and trousers and climbed in next to Edward.

He was shivering. I put my arm around him and held him close. It was all I could do.