Spontaneous Combustion

Disclaimer: I don’t own DBZ characters. I’m not making any profit.
Warnings: Yaoi (male x male). Kakarott x Vegeta. And a few surprises. Mistakes~perceived or otherwise~ are purely intentional!
Parody of “The Duel” DBZ style…

The Battle by ~anz~ (achillona@yahoo.com)

XXXXX

It was a wonderful wonder filled day. The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, the cocks were crowing and the cum was flowing. As a matter of fact, those weren’t roosters who were greeting the dawn…those were two sweaty sexy Saiyans enjoying each other’s company. And enjoying it they were.

“Bejita!” Kakarott yelled.

“Yes? My little cumquat?” Veggie snickered [let’s face it, Veg is the master of pun]

“Do you really have to leave now?” he whined.

“Yes, Kakarott ~we~ do. I have to go home and so do you.”

“But I was having sooo muuuch fuuun!”

“I could dangle a pork chop in front of you and you’d consider that fun too!”

“Bejitaaah that’s not fair…you know a Saiyan loves three things…food, fighting and f-”

“…fucking!” Bejita finished for him. Then he grabbed his head and stuck his tongue in his mouth in one of the noisiest kinkiest kisses ever. Then he proceeded from his mouth to his chin, to his ear, where he stopped to nibble his lobe and then he proceeded to fuck his ear with his tongue.

Goku was lost…all he could manage was a sharp intake of breath…Bejita had never been this aggressive before. After playing with Kakarott’s ear, Bejita\'s firm lips hotly slid down Kakarott\'s throat to his neck…where he left a trail of heat. Vegeta kept up his exploring until he hit upon a very sensitive spot, judging by the sharp intake of Kakarott’s breath…and he proceeded to suck and lick at the same time….

“Oooh, Bejita,” Goku moaned. With that encouragement, Vegeta traveled lower. Down his neck to his chest, and from his chest to his abdomen…not stopping \'til he reached what he sought….the source of Kakarott and all his glory : Mr. Oozaru! It was nice and huge and thiiick. Vegeta licked his lips…umm this was gonna be tasty. ‘Mine! All mine!’ he thought. He then proceeded to ...swallow him...whole...

“Uhnn, Buhgetuh!! Uhhh ikk” \'damn he gives good head!\' [Who knew!]

Bejita snickered ….he loved making those sounds come out of his Kakarott.

“Buh urrk!” where the hell did that ice cube come from!

‘Score one for the Saiyan prince!’ Vegeta smirked to himself. He had Kakarott right where he wanted him. And where he wanted him was at the height of orgasm. ‘Bet he didn’t see that one coming,\' Bejita thought. And with a flick of his tongue and the ice cube, Goku came with the thunder.

“V-Vgeta …wha…what wuz dat?” Goku said while trying to catch his breath. Breathing was an occupation he really enjoyed. And right now it was his first priority.

‘‘It was me saying bye for now, bakaah,” and with another lusty kiss, a pat on his ass and a “next time lube and rubber gloves,” Kakarott was left sitting breathless in the byre.


XXXXX in this corner: combatant number one

Vegeta was having a ‘wonderful day.’ As soon as he walked in the door he was informed that the gravity room was in dire need of repair and if he truly wanted it upgraded to his standards, well then, he would have to go out and pick up a few items and bring them back pronto!

“Great, that’s just great!” Vegeta ground out. “Woman? Woman! Is there any food?”

“Nope! Sorry Vegeta! I’ve been working on the upgrades all night, and the kids had some school function to attend. I guess you\'ll have to get something to eat while you\'re out.”

“Fine! Where’s the list?” he grumbled ...and with that he was gone.


XXXXX and in this corner: combatant number two

“Goku! Where have you been! You know I have errands to run and you have chores! You’ll just have to eat a cold breakfast, I don’t have time for you now!” Chichi snarled.

She was about to say something horrid when her eyes took in her husband’s appearance, the words died in her throat to be replaced by a snarl, ‘Humph! So that’s where he’s been! With him, with that, that…ugh! THAT Vegeta!’

With a fake frozen smile plastered to her face and conveying an emotion that she really didn’t feel, she approached her wayward and unsuspecting husband and gave him the biggest hug and most amorous kiss she could muster.

‘That damned Vegeta. The nerve of him, leaving hickeys on my Goku! Well two can play at that game!’ And with that thought in mind, she proceeded to lick his right earlobe, then –CRUNCH! She bit down—hard!

“Ow!” Goku yelled! “What\'d you do that for?”

“Well Goku, I just wanted to leave an answer to Vegeta’s message,” Chichi said sweetly.

“Message? What message?” a bewildered Goku asked.

Chichi’s eyes rolled in the back of her skull. “Gods\' Goku! You are so clueless sometimes! I said that you are mine!” And with that said she proceeded to prepare him a breakfast, which was limited to, but not exceeding cold cereal and overripe bananas. [Gruel, anyone?] With a sarcastically sickeningly sweet kiss and the promise of a deliciously hot lunch, Chi was off to run her errands.

XXXXX round one

Vegeta was pissed. Here he was the Prince of all Saiyans, the Crown Jewel of his race, stuck. Stuck in the worst place all males hate to be stuck in: the health and beauty aids section. He, the mighty Supersaiyan! Vegeta, reduced to procuring feminine products. “I’m gonna kill that bitch when I get home...” Bejita muttered to himself. “Just as soon as I find my rubber gloves and lube…” and with that Bejita began searching the aisles for the needed items. Just as soon as he picked up the aforementioned lube, the most horrendous thing happened….

“Well, well, well! If it isn’t the Crowned Prince of Nothing! What’s the matter Vegeta? Got your period?!” Chichi sneered. “Always thought you were a bit...high strung!” lifting her eyebrow, “I see you have the entire store at your beck and call, as if you were special…”

“Be gone bitch! You horrendous harpy. Hell is a much nicer place compared to you!” Vegeta spat.

“I’m leaving, but before I go, got your message—the answer is: no!” and with that she was off.

Vegeta was left fuming…the witch had gotten in the last word.


XXXXX round: two

Chichi was irate. The stupid milliner just refused to get her order right. It seemed that no matter how many times she placed the order, the result was always the same: ten bolts of orange cloth and two bolts of blue. “What the hell is this supposed to be? Have you taken leave of your senses?! This is not what I ordered! You incompetent oaf! Must I do everything for you?”

The milliner was crying, sputtering and choking, trying hard not to say something he’d regret, sighed in relief when his salvation flew in through the window in the form of one vengeful Saiyan Prince. “Well, well, well. What have we here? The Queen of All Bitches! HER ROYAL HIGHNESS the Ox Queen! What’s the matter queenie? He forget to bow down and kiss your feet?” and in his best Hercule impersonation ever: “Oh, how gauche of him!”

Chichi was livid. How dare he make fun of her title? And in front of her subjects! This was an outrage, and if her husband was man enough, he’d whip this arrogant ass’s behind and hand it back to him—on a silver platter! “If my Goku were here he’d lick your ass and hand it back to you on a silver platter!” Chichi railed.

Vegeta was not amused. “Oh? Would he now?” the prince said raising an elegant eyebrow. “My subject would, hmm, do exactly whaaat to me?” Vegeta purred at her. “Lick my ass you say? and hand it to me on a silver platter?” Vegeta chuckled. “He’s licked it all right! Mmm wanna know when and where?”

Vegeta then got an evil glint in his eye, “You know woman, that platter thing isn’t a bad idea…just imagine…a blindfolded, handcuffed, lubed up Kakarott...an apple in his mouth...covered in butterscotch...on a silver platter—with his ass in the air—surrounded by strawberries and whipped cream… that bountiful banquet waiting just for me! umm, yummy! Consider it your gift—to us! Thanks for the wedding present!” and with an evil snicker he yelled, “hey you there, get me that giant salver over there…and charge it to the princess\'s account. Mahaahahaha,” and with that Vegeta left the building.


Meanwhile back at the Son home:

The object of everyone’s desire had just finished his chores and decided to take a long hot shower. “Umm this feels good.” Goku said. “I wonder why Chichi bit me? Oh, well,” he sighed, “She’s one perpetual case of PMS.” And with that sobering thought out of the way he decided to think of other things…like last night …and Vegeta. And with the thought of the prince, Mr. Oozaru sprung to life, “oh, you can’t wait to see Vegeta again either, huh?” and Mr. Oozaru happily lept into Goku’s soapy hand.

[insert shower scene…lots of stroking and moaning and water splashing over a very hot body]

After a happy session with Mr. Oozaru, [and yes, guys do name and talk to their nether regions] he got out of the shower and looked at himself in the mirror. As he stared at his reflection, something about earlier this morning came to mind, an unbidden memory…about the look on Chichi’s face and the bite on his ear. He gazed at his reflection and gasped:

There! on his left shoulder, going up to his ear, was an enormous hickey! Shaped in the form of the royal seal of Vegeta-sei! Screaming: ‘mine! bitch!’

...and on his right earlobe: her ‘hell no’ response in teeth marks!!

“Oh, boy…” and with that he stretched out his senses to see where Bejita and Chichi were… ‘oh, ok they’re, they’re …t-toge-together?!”

“Oh, boy!” Suddenly waves of nausea and dizziness struck him. Unwilling to comprehend it all he fainted.

XXXXX lunchtime interlude: appointment with destiny

Vegeta was running late. He had a luncheon appointment with the mayor. Normally he wouldn’t attend, but it was a favor to Bulma. She told him that the city fathers wanted to bestow upon him a very high honor for all of his volunteer work. \'If its too boring, I can always leave... after a generous meal that is.\'

Meanwhile [across town] Chichi was livid. \'Imagine the nerve of that Vegeta! Having the gall to purchase a salver and say its Goku’s dowry! Huh, and in front of the hired help! To top it off, he’s made me late for my appointment with the mayor! I wonder what its about this time? Whatever it is…for his sake…it’d better be worth my time…or else!\'

…and at chez nekoni

“You did what? You booked Prince Vegeta and Princess Chichi for the exact same time?...at my favorite eatery? What the hell were you thinking?” Mayor Braggart was beside himself. “What kind of secretary are you?” he scoffed.

“B-but mayor you said to—to have the meeting here to discuss the feu-…” the hapless and harried secretary stammered.

“Are you daft? I said no such thing. I was–was being facetious! You had better pray this works out or you’re fired!”

With that the mayor promptly ordered the largest, stiffest drink he could charge on his city\'s expense account…a zombie…hopefully he’d be one by the time the two combatants arrived.

….and sitting at the bar…

“Incompetent! I’m incompetent!” the secretary fumed. “I’ll show him who\'s incompetent!” And with that the ‘deep throat’ operative whips out his cell phone and calls the press. “Hello, Snark? This is ‘the cat’. Remember the explosive exclusive I told you about, well the fur is about to fly! Guess what Blowhard’s done now…[blah, blah, blah , blah, blah] …and who do they hate more than each other? And all for the same…! You guessed it! Now hurry!” And with the barkeep right there, he decided to order as many ‘iced teas’ as his libido and the mayor’s credit card could handle.

Five minutes later: “Snark, what took you so long? Your drinks wiltin’!” Kat grinned.

“Traffic! I haven’t missed anything have I?”

“Nah, you’re just in time…the fireworks are about to begin!”

….and back in the kitchen….

‘Please Kami, don’t let anything happen to my restaurant’ the owner prayed. Afterwards he tearfully drew up his last will and testament.


XXXXX

Prince Vegeta walked into the foyer and before he could speak to the hostess, trouble walked in…in the form of one Ox Princess. Giving each other a withering glance…they greeted each other warmly:

“Bitch!”

“Bastard!”

The hostess was speechless. Seeing her predicament the owner himself greeted them and showed them to their table.

“Right this way highnesses.”

‘I need a drink, I need a drink, I need a drink’ was the mantra that he kept chanting in his head.

“Fancy meeting you here, o queen of the acid tongue!” the owner blanched upon hearing those words. Chichi saw this and her answer was a little more civil than she wanted: “For your information, oh prince of the poisoned tongue, I have a very important appointment with the mayor!” and in a very unladylike manner she stuck her tongue at him.

“For your information bitch, I have an appointment with the mayor too! So there!” and he stuck his tongue out right back at her. It was at that moment they realized they had an audience. Flash! Pop! The paparazzi were everywhere taking pictures and sound bytes.

“Damn!” Vegeta swore… ‘ Can’t kill the bitch outright…AND I have to be on my best behavior.’ He looked up and saw a bunch of groupies with signs saying: ‘I Love You Vegeta!’ ‘Marry Me!’ ‘Be my baby’s daddy!’ and ‘Nice Ass!!!’ A few guys as well as girls held up that last one! And to make matters worse…they were bold enough to give him their phone numbers!

“Enjoying your celebrity, Prince Vegeta?” Chichi sneered.

“I don’t see any of your fans, where are they?” Vegeta chuckled to himself, “Oh, I know, they’re still at the pound!” half the restaurant laughed at that comment, and the other half was reduced to snickers. Mr. Nekoni [he had to take his wife’s name…she was more famous than him] was barely able to keep a straight face as he led them to their table. The poor gentleman nearly fainted in relief after they were seated. The barkeep had just prepared two white zombies and three black ones…he downed ‘em all in one gulp!

*****
“Ah..good afternoon, er, highnesses.” The mayor said. He was a politician, after all, and it behooved him to address them equally lest a fight ensued. “Thank you for coming on such short notice. I do apologize for the, uh mix-up? My secretary will be properly punished.”

‘That’s right, blame the woman, spineless worm!’ Chichi thought as she answered, “that’s fine mayor, civilized people know how to act in polite society…” leaving the rest unsaid but looking pointedly at Vegeta.

Her Sarcasm not being lost on the prince, he quipped, “you talking \'bout me wench? Pardon me, I forgot, you’re ~too old~ to be a wench, and ~I~ can be as civilized as ~you~.”

Her retort died in her throat as a familiar “Haar, hah, huh, huh!” rang in the air. Two pairs of eyes glared at the mayor accusingly, one set in wrath the other snapping with anger as the final guest appeared spouting the words, “So mayor, ahm a gittin’ that vacant council seat! Mighty big of yah!” Hercule said.

Blowhard was beside himself. He\'d [conveniently] forgotten what a fool Hercule was. His face was apoplectic as he stammered, “I’m sorry if you misunderstood, uh, Hercule…b-but there are t-two others under consideration also…uh Mrs. Son, er, I mean uh, Princess Chichi and P-P-Prince Vegeta. Both are known for their outstanding work in the community, uh, s-sir.” Well Blowhard certainly knew how to cover his ass!

The idiot was satisfied with the statement for the moment.

The meal was eaten in silence [for a politician and Hercule, that was quite a feat!] The liquor ~flowed~ like water. For each bite taken, two glasses were consumed.

Just then as a flashbulb from a paparazzi popped, a light went on in Hercule’s head. Vegeta opted to drink his Jackie ‘D’ straight from the bottle, forsaking his glass, and Chichi was on her fifth gin and tonic when this bumbling oaf began to sputter:

“What do you mean other’s? I’m the best qualified! I blah…blah…blah…

Vegeta was livid…he choked on his drink, but he didn’t spit it, he wasn’t one to waste good liquor. Chichi on the other hand gulped her drink down and slammed the empty glass onto the table…

“Grr…what did you say!” The Prince and Princess snarled in unison, “fool have you once again taken leave of your senses?”

They were both looking for something to slaughter, and dipstick just made himself fresh meat of the day…and the mayor, whose mouth wrote a check his ass couldn\'t cash, unfortunately was gonna be road kill.


XXXXX …meanwhile back at the Son household…

“Ahh, Goten? I think your dad\'s finally regaining consciousness.”

“That’s great Trunks. Now get over here and help me finish filling in his dent in the floor before my mother gets home!”

TBC
~~~~~~~
A/N: This is a belated birthday present to to thechichislaughterhouse. It is also ~finally~my first dbz/yaoi fic.

To Camaro, Chayron, Rena_sama and Pixelgoddess: No one writes quite like you. You are the best! I enjoy your work. Dragonheart 287: ditto! & welcome back!