Propriety

Title: Propriety
Pairing: Alfons Heiderich/Edward Elric
Rating: NC-17
A/n: This fic was written for the Touka Koukan Red Flamel Fanfiction contest: the challenge was to write both humor and badsex into the same porn fic. I attempted to take a slightly different angle than I normally would - considering the "culture shock" aspects of their relationship. I do intend this all in good fun, and I hope no one is seriously offended.


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There comes a time in every man's life when his mettle must be tested - when he wakes up and realizes he cannot just keep hiding behind convenient lies. Alfons Heiderich had been living with a lie for months now...a beautiful, gorgeous little slip of a lie that made his insides quake and his heart beat nervously, and if he was any kind of man at all, he would own up to it and restore his integrity. Alfons Heiderich's mother had raised him to be many things - punctual, soft-spoken, and perhaps unfortunately too gentle, but a coward she most definitely had not. Edward also deserved as much. Today, he would seek the man out. Today.

Unfortunately, as sometimes happened, he wound up finding the man on accident.

"Ack!"

They collided in the doorway to the study and their legs momentarily locked, as tended to happen when one party was lost in thought and the other had his nose stuck in a book. Edward glanced up from his reading and made an interested noise, but otherwise made no move to flee or untangle himself.

Alfons steeled himself.

"Hey, Edward..." He began. Yes, the name was a start. His erstwhile roommate lowered his book again and gave him a small smile, the very one that always got his heart churning in his chest, his blood pumping. Alfons had to admit to himself that this really, truly, was not a platonic reaction. Edward's smile spoke of more things to him than could possibly be proper.

"Hey, you." Edward acknowledged warmly, and the book fell to one side; Edward was never good about creating places for things and returning them to their designated bookshelf when done. Slim hands, one bony and one metallically bony strayed instead to Alfons's hips, and Alfons swallowed hard.

"Listen, I--" Oh god, how could Edward keep doing this to him? His very nearness was a bane for higher logic. Golden hair shimmied to one side as Edward shifted, and Alfons shivered at the feel of his roommate's fingers lingering over his waistband.

Dammit, this wasn't fair to either of them. If only Edward knew...if he knew what this was to him... Now. Now or never, and he knew he absolutely could not live with himself if he did not admit it. For all his other shortcomings, he had at least been raised as a proper, honest boy.

"Really, Edward, I..." He sucked in another breath, fully aware that this might very well be his last. "I have a confession to make."

Edward looked up at him with a gorgeous, idly curious expression. "Hmm?"

Alfons reached down and pushed away the small wrists tormenting him, though truthfully he wouldn't have minded holding on. "I--I have a confession to make." He said. "Edward, I am not...I am not natural. My tastes are perverted, I look at men with...I look at them the way a man is meant to look at a woman." Once uncorked, the words exploded out through the hole in the dam. He shuddered under the force of them, felt the bitterness empty him all the way out. "I want men...sexually."

I want YOU, sexually.

Edward snorted and went right back to tugging Alfons's fly open . "Yeah, uh, I figured." He said. "We've been jacking each other off for how many weeks now?" He rolled his eyes. "Kinda clued me in."

Alfons hissed, and jerked from more than just the hand grasping at his crotch. "No, Edward, seriously, I am - if we keep doing this, it might rub off on you!" That was the worst thing about being 'queer', his friends in London had always warned him. You didn't have to be one yourself to have their kind get to you. And the thought he might inflict that upon Edward - he simply couldn't. As sick, wrong, and generally perverse as it probably was, there was no denying he loved the man. Loved him. If he had to give up the world to ensure Edward's happiness, he would do it; if he was required to give up Edward himself he would consider that a sacrifice well-made. They had started this out of frustration and loneliness, but he would be damned if he condemned Edward to that sad state forever.

Edward looked completely lost. "The hell are you talking about?!" He asked, sounding exasperated.

Alfons tried more directly. "I recognize that you're lonely, but don't...don't you worry that you might forget the pleasure of a woman's touch? I don't want to ruin you on women!"

And his roommate - his beautiful, tempting, unnaturally goddamn gorgeous roommate - laughed in his face.

"Like I'd worry about that!" Edward laughed.

"Huh?" Alfons felt vaguely insulted. After all he had worried for Edward - steeled himself up to confess - the man laughs in his face?!

Edward snaked his hand lower and squeezed, and Alfons moaned in spite of himself. "Dammit-"

"I haven't wanted a 'woman's touch' since I was ten years old, if that's what you're worried about. And that was my mother's." Edward said, and pressed up against Alfons with a whine. "Now come on Alfons, I'm horny, please..."

Even tense, even with all his nerves shot to hell, Alfons could no sooner ignore that tone of voice than tell his heart to stop beating. He fumbled shakily for Edward's belt, still hardly daring to believe - encountered hardness beneath it, and nearly did depart the mortal coil. Edward was...Edward really wanted...

Edward was looking at him with a skeptical glare that said "what did you expect?", and then suddenly there was a hand moving on Alfons in earnest and he could no longer keep any thoughts straight at all. So much guilt, so much secret terror, and then really and truly it had all been in vain. Alfons closed his eyes. His roommate - by nature - was as afflicted as he.

God help them both.

=====================================================================

"So, what do we do now?" He asked breathlessly, sometime later.

"What do you mean, what do we do?" Edward was slumped across the couch, his usual post-hand job resting spot. Even sated, Alfons couldn't help but feel the urge to sidle up and run his hands across that broad chest - an urge he had not yet succumbed to, but an urge nonetheless. Unlawful, perverted. A guilty part of him always screamed.

Simply beautiful. His eyes told him instead. For now, Alfons was content to agree with his eyes.

"Well, as we are...as we are," Alfons began lamely. What was he supposed to call it? "Backwards?" "Wrong-headed?" The words people used for this did not seem right.

"Homosexual?" Edward suggested.

"Right. Uh. Homosexual." Scientific terms, that sounded better. He paced back and forth, thinking.

And thinking.

"You going anywhere with this?" Edward said. He sounded bored.

"Well, if we're already going to -" Wait, Edward didn't believe in hell...nor did Alfons, really, if he was being utterly truthful. He changed tactics. "I just thought, if we're really like-minded...shouldn't we be doing uh, other things too?" Jailed for the king's horse as the peasant's.

All semblance of boredom vanished. Edward visibly perked.

"Other things? Like what?"

"Like, well..." Alfons felt himself flush. It was hard enough to harbor such thoughts - okay, well, they came alarmingly easy in the shower, while he was thinking about how Edward had just used this same washcloth, but that was a quite different scenario! - let alone voice them to Edward's face, that perfect face, with that perfect wide mouth that wrapped oh-so-nicely around sausages and bratwursts, and by association...

"Mouths." He said without thinking about it, and then promptly wanted to take the word back. For heaven's sake - nice girls kicked their men to the curb for that kind of debauchery! Even if they WERE both abnorm--'homosexual', that was asking a hell of a lot. He risked a single glance toward his friend, and then wished he hadn't done that, either. Edward was squirming rather uncomfortably on the sofa, and Alfons wanted to melt into the floor.

Great, he thought sarcastically. I've been gay for all of fifteen minutes, and I've already fucked it up.

"You uh, wouldn't want to try that now, would you?" Edward asked in a small and hopeful voice. He looked incredibly embarrassed. "Cause uh, that sounds kind of good."

"What?!" Alfons gaped. He wasn't sure he should feel relieved that Edward was interested, or be horrified. Perhaps it was because he had been ill for so long that he didn't have nearly so much stamina. He couldn't remember what it felt like to be a healthy man, anymore.

Then again, he reflected a few seconds later as Edward had somehow magically managed to twine completely around his body, perhaps Edward was too healthy for his own good.

"Not now!" He barked, alarmed, and Edward returned his limbs with only a minimal amount of pouting. It probably helped that the surprise attack had triggered a mild bout of coughing.

"Sorry, maybe in a bit...not quite up to it yet..." He gasped. "Need some time..."

"Okay..." Edward said, eyeing him dubiously. He threw himself back onto the couch with an affronted huff. "You were the one who suggested it."

"Not right this second, I didn't!" Alfons sighed, but he knew better than to argue. With Edward things were always 'right this minute', which made many things nigh on impossible. Only once had he let Edward in the kitchen unsupervised, and while that had not ended in abject disaster, it had taken nearly forty-five minutes to get breakfast on the table. Edward fixed on one thing at a time and did not deviate, and while that was excellent for a highly focused design project, it was horrible when the eggs were burning, the toast needed to come out, and the pancake bowl was still on its side and dribbling all over the skillet. Edward's excellent and immediate fixation could be a downright pain in the ass sometimes.

Like now, unfortunately.

"Alfons?" Edward asked, not five minutes later, just as Alfons had finally picked up his schematics again.

"Yes?"

"...now?"

=================================================================

After nearly an hour of being badgered unrelentlessly, Alfons finally gave up and joined Edward on the couch.

"Can we-"

"Alright, yes, sure, now, I GIVE!" Alfons sighed. He should have known he wasn't going to get any work done. "Edward, I'm sorry, not everybody is as - gah!" No, no, not everyone was as pushy as Edward, which was probably a good thing because otherwise everyone might find it appropriate to JUMP ON TOP OF OTHERS WITHOUT WARNING!

"Edward!"

"What?" The yellow-eyed monster even saw fit to look affronted! "Don't you want to..."

"Yes, I do." He said, and meant it. As much as he might dislike being tackled, and as much as he might dislike having to admit that yes, he was a disappointment to his entire family and quite possibly the human race, there was still nothing more lovely than Edward on top of him. He squirmed a little and gasped, not at all for lack of air.

"Okay, so let's uh..." Edward could also turn the most marvelous shades of red, Alfons noted in a daze. Unfortunately, he could also slide up and off Alfons's hips, which left Alfons making small, sad grasping motions.

"What now?"

It was Alfons's turn to flush. Several things came to mind, of course, but the Edward that lived in his head was usually naked already. The Edward in his head, in fact, very rarely came with clothing at all. So academically, he knew what the most logical

"I suppose we have to..." Alfons paused.

"...to what?" Edward's scowl was adorable but fierce, and no, no he really didn't think he could say 'take your clothes off so I can bathe you with my tongue.' If he had ever doubted he was headed for a lake of fire, this certainly clinched it.

"This." Alfons said instead, resolutely, and reached up toward Edward's belt buckle. 'This' was familiar territory. He could probably get his hand down Edward's pants if they were locked in a dark room on a moonless night in the middle of a black hole.

Edward didn't seem to have a problem with that course of action. He arched his back and magnanimously allowed Alfons access to his fly, which was looking more strained than it had a few moments ago. Alfons flicked the button open easily and tugged down the zipper, hissed as a warm hardness pressed helpfully into his hand. Edward didn't wear underpants very often (perhaps for this very reason) and it was such a habit to curl his hand around and start tugging that he didn't realize he was doing it until Edward was tearing at his own pants, and thus, startled him out of it. They had never done it lying down before, and Alfons found the pressure of Edward straddling his thighs - and unfastening his pants - mind-blowing.

If this is the road to hell, may I never see heaven.

His hips arched reflexively at the feel of a rough, dry palm skating over his cock, and he remembered belatedly what it was they were supposed to be doing.

"Mouths!" He gasped, and struggled to extract himself from the crush of Edward's knees. At the very least, sit up. Edward made a choked noise and he glanced up anxiously, but if anything his friend seemed to be even more eager than before. There was a certain look he got when he was really excited (sort of a scrunching around the eyes), and he was doing that now even though Alfons was no longer touching him. Well, at least that part was all right. Alfons wriggled back until he too could sit up on his knees and they stared at each other, face to face, hard as hell and both obviously thinking the same thing.

Which one went first?

Alfons looked down at Edward and hissed, suddenly intimidated. It was one thing to be touching it, because touching it was mostly like touching himself but with nice twisty Edward facial expressions. It was quite another to look down and actually see, really see, the proof of his friend's arousal. Thicker than his and very red around the tip, another man's cock, and damn, damn, damn he really couldn't fall back on the old excuse that jacking off Edward was like watching a very pretty blonde girl find her pleasure, only with pump action. Edward was most definitely male, and that most definitely excited him - he could feel his own erection grow heavier, more pressing, as he looked.

Edward, however, was also not doing anything, which - while academically he recognized was perfectly logical; Alfons hadn't exactly moved to do anything either - was still rather frustrating. The Edward in his head would have already had his lips wrapped around him by now.

Edward gestured toward that very male piece of himself and gave Alfons a meaningful look. "So uh, you gonna do anything about that?"

Alfons cursed the Edward in his head.

It was his fault, though, and Alfons knew when he was bested. He also knew that as much as he wouldn't mind a rough palm on his cock again (oh god, so tight and quick and god he wanted it), this was a once in a lifetime opportunity. He bent forward, shaking a little, and took Edward's erection in his hand, brought it up into perfect alignment with his lips. He was going to taste Edward. Actually taste him. Somewhere above him, Edward made a whimpering noise, but it mostly failed to register. He stuck out his tongue, and gently lapped.

Edward's cock twitched hard, and whapped him in the nose.

"Gah!" Alfons yelped, startled, and lost his balance. He tipped a bit to the right and bopped his head on Edward's thigh, and then did something else he rarely did, which was swear up a blue streak.

"W-what the hell, Alfons?" Edward sputtered, though he too looked embarrassed.

"You twitched at me!"

"So? Like yours doesn't." Edward growled.

"Well, you see how you like twitching it UP YOUR NOSTRIL." Alfons hissed, struggling to regain control of himself. Inwardly, he was mortified. Okay, one hour and fifteen minutes, and NOW I've majorly screwed it up.

A strong hand threaded through his hair, and Alfons shivered reflexively.

"I'm sorry, alright? Jeez. Act like it's the end of the world why don't you." Edward huffed. Somehow he made a combination of apology and insult endearing.

"...it's okay." Alfons said, and cupped Edward's erection again, more firmly. "I'll just watch it closer."

"Wasn't that the problem?" Edward muttered, and Alfons found it prudent to shut him up by licking again. Like a licorice candy, Edward melted against his tongue.

Edward did not taste like a licorice candy, however - he was salty and bitter; smelt like sweat and hot male, not exactly a pleasant combination but oddly attractive nonetheless, the way cold water bites at skin but still feels good in hot weather. Refreshing. Alfons wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to be doing, so he licked and sucked haphazardly around the crown of Edward's penis, the way he'd always imagined would feel good. Edward seemed to like that well enough. Then again, Edward seemed to like everything equally as well, because no matter what he did all Alfons got in response was ragged breathing. After five minutes or so, it began to be annoying.

After ten minutes or so, Alfons's jaw began to hurt.

Alfons tried to pull his mouth away, but the second he did so Edward cried out and grabbed at his hair, all but forced his mouth back over his groin.

"Fuck, Alfons, please!" He complained, and Alfons had no choice but to keep doing what he had already been doing, to little success. He began to think he was screwing something up again. Edward never took this long when they were jacking each other off. Sometimes, that took five minutes, tops.

Unnatural acts, he thought with a rueful grin, and tried to force his aching jaw to open wide enough for yet another attempt at taking Edward all the way in. He should have known it was not this easy.

Edward's hand butted against his forehead and Alfons stopped, perplexed.

"It's okay," Edward panted, and Alfons was now sure he had never more felt like a failure. "It's okay..."

"I understand," Alfons said, clipped, and forced his aching neck and back into a upright, if dejected, position. "Sorry."

"No!" Edward said, and lunged forward to grasp his knees. "No, it was really good, it just - I was so close a couple times and then I didn't, you know, and then that makes it harder -"

"I know, I can't make it work." Alfons said, turning anyway. "At least I tried, so-" A warm hand cupped beneath his balls suddenly, and Alfons started as something hot and wet engulfed his cock.

He had gone soft after eons of work had failed to produce any shuddering Edward reactions, but his groin sprang to life again as Edward's mouth - and oh mother of god, TONGUE - pulsed rhythmically around his shaft, the head, dripping wetness pressing everywhere, underscored by the threat of teeth. He couldn't help but choke as said teeth skated up the underside of his rapidly growing erection, then down again, then up...and Edward's golden head, bobbing between his thighs, made him fervently believe there wasn't a god, because who in their right mind would damn THIS?

Holy. Hell.

Edward's hand slipped up to grip his shaft and then suddenly the wetness had rescinded and Edward was licking, teasing, little flicks of sensation that shot straight up his cock and into his brain, made him want to writhe and buck and howl all at the same time. This, he had done this to Edward, this maddening contact without nearly enough force behind it; he felt like he could endure this heaven/torture all day and always be right on the prepice, not quite there, needed more contact -

Alfons shifted and Edward's hand inadvertently squeezed to hold on, and Alfons went off right in Edward's face. It was quite possibly the best thing he had ever felt, but the worst feeling he'd ever had after, because oh shit Edward was flipping his head and sputtering, and he hadn't just thwapped him he'd seriously gotten Edward all over his nose, and his cheeks, and everywhere besides that...

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!!" He said over and over, a mantra, and his hands searched blindly for something - anything - to wipe the mess with. He lit upon the tails of his own shirt, which under the circumstances seemed prudent to use since holy hell, this was his fault to begin with. Edward wasn't saying anything, which was an extremely bad sign. Normally, he couldn't get Edward to shut up.

"I'm sorry." He said again, lamely.

"Yeah, you better be sorry." Edward complained, rubbing at a sticky cheek. "Holy crap, I was afraid you were gonna get me in the eye!"

"Did I?" Alfons asked anxiously.

"No," Edward admitted. "Though that would have sucked. Can you get the washcloth?"

"Sure!" Alfons agreed. He was ready to agree to just about anything. He rushed to procure it, and hovered anxiously about as Edward ground his face into the sopping cloth.

"I really didn't mean to." He said. "Honest."

Edward pulled the washcloth away and snorted. "Yeah, I could tell. Anyway-"

"We'll just have to try something else next time." Alfons said quickly, hoping beyond all hope that there would even BE a next time. "I want to get this right for you, I swear; I didn't mean to drag you into my perversions. It was my fault. I'll make it up to you, really."

Edward cleared his throat.

"Yeah uh, that's great and all but - " He nodded his head toward himself. Alfons looked down, where Edward was stroking a rapidly renewing erection.

"Care to help me out with this, first?"

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He actually had to give five makeup hand jobs over the next couple days to get Edward to forgive him, though he suspected by the second Edward wasn't really mad, just opportunistic. It unfortunately gave him the maddening need to lock himself in the bathroom for disproportionate lengths of time, because as he was finding out, one did not get reciprocal hand jobs when one was giving a hand job as part of makeup sex. Relationships, especially with Edward, seemed to have a lot of hidden costs. He could only hope for his normal friends' sake that women were simpler.

Though privately, he sort of doubted it. Heymans, for one, was always complaining that the missus wouldn't let him go out drinking with them. And several others in his research circle were forever having to bring flowers home for the same reason. Edward, at least, never required expensive oddities that used money one could better apply to books - nor did he ever have a problem with getting plastered (though admittedly, Edward getting plastered caused problems for Alfons. Edward getting plastered had been the reason for their reciprocal hand job arrangement in the first place.) Edward was also straight-forward and easy to work, and didn't involve massive amounts of giggling or heaving bosoms, which Alfons had honestly never quite found as amazing as they were cracked up to be. Jiggling chest flesh certainly didn't hold a candle to the heavy roundness of Edward's testicles, two perfect spheres that fit perfectly in his hand, could be rolled around, and Edward hissed when he did that, pressed into him hard-

Oh god, he was going to need to bolt for the bathroom again.

"Alfons?" Edward piped up as he limped past for the second time in an hour. "You okay?"

"Yes." Alfons ground out, though he really meant no. No, there was really something wrong with him if he couldn't control himself for three seconds around the man. Probably another sign he was a horrible pervert. Normal people didn't think about sex every ten seconds. He barricaded himself in the restroom and leaned hard against the door, panting. If he took a break and just breathed for a second, it would go away. Hell. He had never had this problem before...maybe he had it all backwards. Maybe Edward's abnormality was rubbing off on HIM.

His mind caught on 'Edward' and 'rubbing off on him', and suddenly even breathing was difficult.

There was an insistent rap on the other side of the door, and Alfons jumped in spite of himself.

"You sure you're not sick or something?" Edward asked anxiously. Alfons buried his face in his palms. God, Edward...he loved the man, he really did, but he could be so completely oblivious sometimes. Though sweet. It was kind of nice to think Edward was concerned for him, that he was worried about more than just sex.

"Does this mean we're off for drinking tonight?" Edward continued, plaintive.

Alfons rescinded the 'sweet'.

"No, I'm just FINE!" He growled. "Can a guy get some privacy? Jeez!"

"Okay..." Edward said, but he sounded doubtful. Alfons waited until he heard the uneven footsteps clunk away before he dared reach down and adjust himself. If he had started touching himself with Edward still on the other side of the door, talking to him, completely unaware..hell...Alfons swallowed. Damn, that was perverted, too. He shook his head and forced himself to unlock the door. He had no right to hole up and be a damned idiot again today. Time to come out and face the world.

Edward bowled him over the second he reentered the living room, which he had rather been expecting. Of course; it had been oh, five hours.

"So uh, you wanna try the mouth thing again?" Edward asked, which he really hadn't been expecting.

"What?!"

Edward pressed his nose into the cleft of Alfons's throat and nuzzled gently, the one little thing he did that Alfons could call unilaterally sweet. Even if it was horribly obvious he only did it when he wanted something.

"Alright," Alfons sighed. "But don't blame me if it doesn't work."

"It'll work!" Edward said eagerly. "Come on, Alfons..."

"Fine!" Again, Alfons started by undoing Edward's pants, slipping his hand into the fascinating naked territory underneath. He sort of wondered sometimes what it would be like if Edward would slide his pants all the way down, if he might even walk about that way; tight ass rippling and clenching, but bare to the world, so Alfons wouldn't have to imagine any longer.

Bare to the world...

"SHIT! Windows!" Alfons gasped, and pulled Edward's zipper up so quickly he nearly got something else caught in the teeth. Edward cursed at the sudden pressure but Alfons barely heard it; he was already across the living room and staring in abject horror. They were in the living room. He had left the blinds open. Anyone - their landlady, Officer Hughes, the little old lady up the way - could have seen them.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

"Well, that sucks." Edward said, scratching his head.

"'That sucks'!?" Alfons yelped. He tore at the draperies, willing them shut. "People could have SEEN us!"

Edward flushed faintly pink.

"Well, at least we're not down in the alley...?"

"That's not the point!" Alfons said, still flustered. "DRUNKS use the alley but..." But what? But sober people did these things in the middle of the room, in the middle of the day? Crazy. He had to be crazy. It was his flat; his responsibility to keep the shades down and doors closed and all of that. He was going to destroy their reputations with this if he wasn't more careful, fuck, Edward's reputation - he could just imagine poor Miss Gracia's reaction. She would never tease Edward about his 'girlfriend' again, that was for sure. And Edward needed friends, because lord knew he had few enough; he had come from London same as Alfons had, but Edward was a much more recent transplant. Hell, he'd taken Edward in because he'd had nowhere else to go.

"Alfons?"

Edward slunk up beside him and pressed close, closer than they usually got, even wrapped his arms around him. Alfons shuddered, but resolutely pulled away.

The mouth thing was not brought up again.

==================================================================

They did in fact go out drinking later, though the atmosphere was definitely strained; Edward only picked at his chips and everybody else seemed to keep drifting away, like the stink between them polluted even the air around them. Edward drank faster, too, which Alfons took to be a bad sign. Days like this he was likely to start telling his crazy stories, and while Alfons certainly found them entertaining, he wasn't sure others would. He didn't want his friends to think badly of Edward.

"Come on, we're going!" He said, and gave Edward's shoulder a shake. Edward snorted in the middle of a swig, and started choking mightily over the dregs of his latest beer.

"Fuckin' hell, Al...fons!" Edward slurred.

"Well, now you know how I feel all the time." Alfons smiled. That seemed to be the wrong thing to say though, because Edward shot him a sharp, concerned look instead of laughing.

"Oh, for the love of - come on." He sighed, and pulled Edward to his feet. "Put it on my tab, please!" He called to the barkeep, who simply nodded and went back to pouring drinks for more lucrative customers. He let them get away with it because thankfully, it never cost very much to get Edward hammered.

He slung one of Edward's arms over his shoulders and helped his friend move to the door, despite a brief, feeble protest that Edward "had plenty 'o legs" (whatever that meant).

"Later guys!" He called to his buddies in the corner, then immediately wished he hadn't. Was it just him, or were they giving him looks? He wouldn't want them to think he was the kind of bastard that got his date wasted and then dragged him out into the back alley. Or shit, did they know he was thinking about Edward as his date!? He looked again, but no one was looking back or waving this time. They all seemed to be gathered around a rather curvy woman, and talking quite animatedly to portions of her anatomy that certainly weren't capable of talking back. Ah well.

They stumbled out the door and ambled slowly for home, though Alfons noted with some annoyance that Edward was not nearly as drunk as he'd been at the bar. In fact, he rather suspected Edward was faking the need to be carried around - he walked surprisingly straight lines for someone who needed a helping hand. He paused and started to untwine himself, but Edward's legs buckled in warning.

"Ouch! Ah, make up your mind!" Alfons complained. "Can you walk or not?"

"No." Edward said, and continued to lean painfully on Alfons for the next couple paces. Annoyed, Alfons grunted and feigned a hard cough, which had the expected effect of making Edward untwine immediately. Edward looked slightly hurt, which made Alfons's insides twist, but dammit, didn't he understand they shouldn't be clinging together in public!?

He only wanted to protect Edward. That was all. This was best.

They walked the rest of the way to their flat in silence and Edward no longer attempted to cling, but Alfons could practically feel the other man breathing down his neck the entire time. There was going to be some kind of retribution, that much was certain...Edward was still peeved at him, and even if it was silly, Edward did not just let go once he was peeved.

He slipped the key into the lock, ushered his roommate in. Closed the door, and braced himself.

Edward just headed for his bedroom.

"...Edward?" He blinked. He had been certain there was supposed to be shouting somewhere in there.

No response. Now concerned, Alfons had no choice but to enter the bedroom - his study, now mostly devoted to Edward - and investigate.

"Edward?"

Edward was curled up at the edge of the bed on top of the covers; a deceptively compact ball of brown and gold and quivering. Alfons pushed the door open a little wider and the hall light fell on him, lit up his mussed hair like a halo. Edward snorted and turned away, but Alfons wasn't fooled. Edward wasn't babbling enough to really be asleep.

Alfons padded to the bedside and lay a careful hand on Edward's shoulder. A little half-smile formed at the contact. Alfons felt a shiver run down through his belly. God, if Edward weren't miffed at him...

"Hey, come on...are you okay?" He asked.

Edward's human arm whipped up, clamped down on Alfons's like a vise, and pulled.

"SHIT!"

The curse rushed out of him along with the rest of his air as he came crashing down onto Edward, rolled over the man's hips and came to an abrupt stop beside him on the mattress. Something heavy slammed over his hips, pressure all across his torso, and the world coalesced back into Edward, Edward's furious eyes hanging over him, luminous.

"Edward!" He gasped and tried to squirm free, but Edward's thighs, clamped on either side of his hips, refused to let him move.

"'S okay when YOU want it!" Edward snarled, and it took Alfons a moment to translate into something remotely related to real life. "What the fuck, Alfons?!"

"Edward, let me go-"

"'Edward, let me go!'" The other man mimicked back in falsetto, expression furious and hurt. "Bullshit! Was fine before, then you start freakin' out at me...what the hell?" Edward hissed. "Rather just get drunk together, then you won't fucking do THAT. Fuck, why don' you just LET me, thought you wanted it, I--"

The pressure on his torso lessened slightly as Edward shifted, made a wet, choked sound.

" 'm I that embarrassing?" Edward asked quietly. He leaned down and rested his forehead against Alfons's in a way normally would have turned Alfons's insides to jelly - if Edward's face weren't so horribly crumpled around the edges.

And now, from bad to worse. Alfons made a mental note to take the Edward-in-his-head out and flay him alive. It was easy to forget sometimes that the real Edward could be an extremely emotional drunk; that actually, that very first time they had gotten drunk enough to start touching each other, Edward had nearly cried when he came. Edward-in-his-head was forever a writhing, wanton creature after a good night of boozing; the real one existed for more than just his simple needs.

Which was probably the whole point.

"No, no you don't embarrass me!" He shushed, bringing his arms up awkwardly to stroke down Edward's back in the loosest of loose embraces. God, it occurred to him that they hadn't ever really done that, had they? Only pawed at each other's fronts; it was nothing like taking Edward into his arms to hold, and be held. "I was just worried, I didn't mean -"

"- 'bout what?" Edward asked, and pressed his forehead against Alfons's again. "Didn't do anything wrong. Just wanted to walk home with you."

"And if people-!" Alfons sucked in a sharp breath. There were some places in his friend's damaged psyche he'd never wanted to go, but if Edward's fantasy life was that real to him... "Edward, isn't this...abnormal in your world, too?" He asked gently. "You have to understand."

Edward blinked.

"I guess?" He said. Alfons suppressed a groan. Silly thought. He tried a different tack.

"It's not right," Alfons said, and when Edward snorted derisively and opened his mouth, Alfons was ready to hold up a hand. "It's not something that's allowed."

"Bars downtown don' care." Edward offered helpfully.

"Bars downtown are-!" Places for misbegotten freaks and abnormal people, and oh god the most beautiful men he'd ever seen next to Edward, and how he wished there were places like those when he was growing up in London. "-not the rest of the world. People care." He said, feeling horribly like he was insulting the poor man's intelligence. Drunk Edward may be, but an idiot he was not, and Edward always tended to sober fast regardless - perhaps the balancing factor, considering how easily he went under.

"People care," Alfons said, stroking his friend's back slowly, mapping out thick muscles with his fingertips. "And if were to come out...it would be bad. Well, worse than bad." He added lamely. "Some would probably want to run us out of town." Alfons shivered a little despite the jungle-moist heat between them, despite Edward's comforting hands rubbing down his sides.

"Sin." Edward said quietly, and all of a sudden, he didn't sound drunken at all. "I know about that." His face was so dark, so suddenly intense...Alfons knew he'd had more words, but somewhere between his heart and his mouth they'd all just fluttered away.

"So...yeah." He stammered, completely at a loss. "That's why um...that's why."

Edward's expression, if anything, turned even more brooding. Alfons winced.

Please, someone...kill me now. He prayed to whatever gods might still listen, to the sun and the moon and all that superstitious junk too. Edward did not pull back in revulsion, though.

"Alfons, do YOU think this is wrong?" Edward asked simply.

No, correction. Now would be a much better time to die.

"Alfons?"

Yes? No? I don't know! Alfons wailed inside his head. Edward looked so anxious, and he was so close and Alfons could feel his shoulder blades beneath his hands and really all he wanted to do was just pull Edward in and squeeze him until they both asphyxiated together.

"...I don't know, I just build rockets?" He replied, hopefully.

Edward gave him an incredulous look.

"Hell, what am I supposed to say?!" Alfons twisted his fingers into Edward's shirt and pulled, half-hoped the damn cloth would just tear. "I was fine without you -" Fine in the way a blind man is fine without sun, "- and you came and...it all changed on me. What am I supposed to think?!"

"I dunno." Edward responded faintly. "Never had anybody who wanted to touch me before."

What little spite he had left turned straight to gaping disbelief. "...you have got to be kidding me."

Edward bared teeth. "Think I'd fucking lie!?" He swallowed hard, and Alfons was so close he realized he could see the slight bump of Edward's Adam's apple move. "I just wanted...fuck, I dunno." He swore, and wrenched himself out of Alfons's light embrace in one clean movement. "Just wanted you not to hate me."

"Edward!" Alfons yelped, and god, how it hurt to know that even if he couldn't hang on to Edward physically, a single word and he could stop him. Edward shivered, clearly torn between fleeing and staying, and that was what tore it. It wasn't fair. He wasn't being fair, to Edward. Alfons reached up and twined his hands in the front of Edward's shirt and yanked, bringing him right back down over him.

"I don't hate you." He said, and of all the oaths he had sworn in his life, he had never believed in one more. "I could never, ever hate you."

He pulled Edward down farther and brought their mouths together.

For all his time with Edward, he had never kissed another man before, and at first the experience was so surreal he wasn't sure what to make of it. Edward's mouth was larger than his and his lips were quite flat; it felt a little like he was being eaten. It also made him shiver in ways that his few liaisons with women hadn't, and he found himself nipping eagerly for more from those same flat lips, every time Edward made an attempt to pull them up and take a breath.

Strange, he thought with what very little brain he had left. All this time, they had jacked each other off and somehow this felt just as intimate.

"Alfons?" Edward puffed, and Alfons nipped at the corner of his mouth. "Am I--I don't--"

"Yes, you're doing it right." He murmured into Edward's cheek and stuck out his tongue, tasted the sweat. "I don't think it's possible to do it wrong."

"You did the mouth thing wrong," Edward felt it important to point out, complete with smart-ass smirk. Alfons shot him a dirty look.

"Oh, shut up," Alfons groused, and pulled Edward's mouth back to him so he could kiss that insufferable smile into submission.

He could have continued biting at Edward's face and neck all night, had it not been for one obvious and rather pressing problem - a hard lump pressing uncomfortably into his stomach, and Edward bucking it even deeper. Alfons grunted and tried to push Edward up off him a little, but Edward seemed to be lost in the action of mauling his left ear. Damn, it was a shame he was so short. Alfons could only imagine what it would be like to have pointed teeth on an ear while Edward was rubbing against his groin.

And ohhhh, the thought of Edward rubbing against him was so deliciously tempting, he couldn't resist sliding his hands down to the other man's hips.

"H-here," he gasped, and pulled hard on Edward's belt loops. Edward released his earlobe with an audible 'pop', but he seemed to get the idea. He scrambled back down Alfons's torso until his groin was flush with Alfons's, though it meant he had to lay his head against Alfons's chest. The sight made Alfons feel momentarily protective and he shuddered, unable to cope with such fantasy made flesh. In his head, Edward sometimes did come to him for affection and protection.

The real Edward flashed him a wicked grin, rocked his hips forward, and solidly destroyed the Edward-in-Alfons's-head forever.

A bolt of pure heat radiated through his groin as Edward bucked urgently against him and Alfons cried out, found his toes curling. Even muted through pants, it felt spectacular. His hips jerked up too, reflexively, and Edward hissed and yowled, dug his fingernails into Alfons's arm like a cat. Distantly, he was aware there was something he could do to make the experience better, but in mid-thrust it was difficult to imagine doing anything different.

"P-pants?" Alfons managed to gasp out, still grinding himself against Edward like his life depended on it.

"Oh fuck yes," Edward breathed, and struggled to still himself long enough to rip at his pants. He didn't move to take his shirt off, Alfons noticed, which was horribly disappointing, but he could certainly understand how Edward wouldn't want to bother with buttons at the moment. He needed his damn fly undone too, it was too tight and pressing and IN THE WAY, and oh thank god Edward was working on it for him, otherwise he thought he might die. And then Edward was sliding those brown pants of his lower...letting Alfons get one more glorious eyeful...before discarding them entirely and pressing his REAL FLESH AND BLOOD COCK against Alfons's belly.

Alfons couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe but that was alright, he was going to die a happy man.

Edward thrust his cock against Alfons's again, and it was all he could do to hold on, after that. Hot and rough and skin skin SKIN, and Alfons whimpered over and over as the pressure kept proving to be almost-not-enough-too-much for him to come on any given stroke. Needed a hand somewhere to help drive the action. Edward, oh god, Edward was making the most beautiful faces; tormented and pleasured and needy all at once, and Alfons suddenly wanted to flip Edward onto his back and just play with the man until he came.

Edward jerked suddenly and everything came to a standstill; it seemed he was having more and more trouble keeping the pace. His thighs were tight and trembling over Alfons's body, and Alfons watched, mesmerized, as Edward's lips twisted over and over, mouthing words or names or places that only he knew. It set the fire in his belly burning like nothing ever had, and he looked on in awe as Edward's expressions suddenly stuttered and then caught, at the same time as Edward rocked his hips rather wildly, once, twice, three times...

There was a low, strangled groan and suddenly there was wetness flooding Alfons's lower belly and Edward just dropped like a stone right over the mess, muttering something incoherent.

Edward had come. All over his good bar-crawling clothes, yes, but Edward had come and they were in a bed and they had just pressed their cocks together and ridden each other until they were done. Alfons threaded a shaky hand through Edward's hair and trembled. If he had ever seen such a beautiful display of raw sexuality before, he couldn't remember.

His friend was also, unfortunately, heavy, and Alfons found himself rather lacking air because of it. "Gerroff!" He wheezed, and shoved feebly at Edward's shoulders.

"Hrnnnn?" Edward inquired sleepily.

"Edward, get...off...!" Alfons complained, panting. His erection was throbbing in time with his lungs, and if he didn't either get some air or some satisfaction in relatively short order, he was going to die.

Slowly, Edward rolled to one side and flopped, on his back, on the mattress. Alfons took a deep shuddering breath and almost set off an inopportune bout of coughing, which was bound to trigger Edward's worrying and not decent sex. Desperate for distraction, he snagged Edward's human hand and pressed it to his crotch.

"Please!" He rasped, the only direction he'd ever given, and Edward didn't need any additional explanation. He began tugging, rhythmically and slow, and Alfons clawed at the sheets and thrust as hard as he could. Edward smiled at him, sleepy and dazed, and Alfons thought he might go off right then, oh did that ever make him ache.

Not tight enough, though. Alfons whined and tried to mold Edward's hand more firmly around his shaft, but it was like working with putty. Edward's grip just wasn't there, and Alfons began to get the nasty suspicion Edward wasn't quite there, either. His large eyes had slipped shut, and his grin had started to smooth out into the even lines of sleep.

Oh no...

"Edward! Wake up!" He hissed, pressing his erection pointedly into the man's hand. "I'm so close..." He whimpered.

"Mm? Sorry..." Golden eyes cracked open again, and Edward's hand temporarily picked up the pace. Alfons threw his head back and shuddered, grateful; but unfortunately, it wasn't to last. Within a minute or so, Edward's hand once again began to slow and slip off, until again, Alfons looked over to see the man with his eyes fully shut. Dammit, drinking or no drinking...

Well, at least it wasn't him screwing things up this time. With any luck they could soon be screwing up together.

======================================================================================

The next morning, Edward Elric arose to a curious sight not usually found in 'his' quarters - Alfons, lying next to him and smiling, curled up against his chest.

"Morning, Edward," Alfons said agreeably, and nuzzled at the base of his throat. Edward shivered at the realization that, even though Alfons was talle--vertically endowed, he had chosen to curl up in supplication like that. It made him look small and helpless. Edward snaked his arms around the man and gave him a magnanimous kiss on the forehead.

"How're you this morning?" He asked.

Alfons heaved a sigh. "Kinda tired." He admitted. "I was up too late."

"Huh?"

Alfons's smile turned pointed.

"Because SOMEONE left me hanging, you know?!"

Belatedly, warning bells went off in the back of Edward's head.

"Alfons-"

"And as I recall, last time I left you hanging, you got five in exchange."

"Er..."

Alfons peeled back the sheets.

"The mouth thing. Get cracking."