|By : Psychostorm|
Category: Dragon Ball Z > General
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|Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball, or know any real-life people that may be mentioned or appear in this work of fiction. All my work is 100% free.|
Dragon Ball #MeToo
Chapter 1 - REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
The year was 20XX. Majin Buu is defeated. The galaxy is at peace. With no more villains to fight, the Z Fighters had stopped training and had lost their superhuman ki abilities because there was no way in hell another villain would ever attack the Earth ever again. Now there was only one battle left: the battle against boredom.
Today’s battle took the Z Fighters to the Cincinnati Zoo, and what a beautiful day it was. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Vegeta was hungover as hell as he, Piccolo, Kid Trunks, Tenshinhan, Yamcha, Krillin, and Bulma pissed their time away taking a tour of the facility.
Leading the adventure was Gohan’s former classmate Sharpener, now working as a tour guide. He had just shown the Z Fighters the gay turtle exhibit and now led them to the next area - the mighty gorilla pen.
“Here we have uh… what’s this guy’s name again…?” muttered Sharpener, scrolling through the exhibit info on his phone as the Z Fighters peered through triple-reinforced protective glass.
Within the pen was an obese naked gorilla lazily laying spread eagle on a rock. The majestic beast was idly pulling on its fuzzy fuckstick while casually sunbathing beneath the beautiful blue sky, enjoying the fresh summer breeze on its nardsack. It knew damn well that if it were human it wouldn’t be able to get away with such lewd behavior, but it wasn’t, so it did. Being a gorilla had its perks after all.
“Oh yeah, Bollo. This is Bollo the gorilla,” continued Sharpener, finally finding the info he was looking for. “He’s known for being a fat diabetic fuck who occasionally drinks his own piss. Apparently, he almost died from blood loss when he got his penis stuck in an old log last year. Hmm, I didn’t know that. Cool.”
“Man, this guy’s dick is even bigger than mine…” muttered Krillin bitterly, his eyes glued to the primate’s massive meat missile.
Sensing an admirer, Bollo looked up at Krillin and wiggled his furry eyebrows up and down several times before hopping off the rock and waddling over. Giving the frustrated midget a saucy wink, the mighty gorilla flicked his tongue in and out sensually before proceeding to rub his absurdly long dong all over the glass right in front of Krillin’s face.
“Man fuck you Bollo!” snarled Krillin, humping the glass angrily.
“Calm down Krillin, I’m pretty sure everyone’s dick is bigger than yours,” said Tien with a smirk, taking a sip on his can of Hetap. The triclops was never one to miss an opportunity to take the bald bastard down a few notches.
“Yeah retard, I bet even Trunks has a bigger dick than you,” chimed in Yamcha with a laugh, patting Krillin on the head like a dog. “Now stop licking the window, people are starting to stare.
“NO HE DOESN’T!” roared Krillin angrily, undoing his belt and unzipping his slacks. “Trunks, drop your pants! We’re going to compare dicks right here, right now!”
“Cut it out you dweeb, you’re creepin’ me out!” retorted Trunks, raising an eyebrow as he backed away from Krillin, the former monk struggling to find his tiny trouser weasel in the depths of his tighty-whitey underwear.
“Pull your dick out right now Trunks!” snarled Vegeta, grabbing his son by the back of his hoodie and lifting him off the ground so fast that the kid nearly dropped his half-eaten Popsicle. “No son of mine is going to have a dick smaller than a midget!”
“Lemmy go fartknocker!” shouted an angry Trunks, flailing about as Vegeta struggled to pull his son’s pants off despite the numerous people gathering around to watch the spectacle - some placing bets as to whether or not the guy with the weird hair would corn-hole his own kid right in front of Bollo.
“Knock it off Trunks!” snarled Bulma, slapping her son upside the head. “Save your dick showing contest bullshittery for when we get home!”
“Yeah Trunks, stop being a mong!” snapped Krillin, relieved that he didn’t actually have to pull his midget dick out and humiliate himself. “You’re always embarrassing us with your retarded bullshit! Just act normal for once!”
“That goes for you too Krillin,” said Bulma giving the midget a swift bitch slap to the back of the head to get him to stop rubbing on his nipples. “And Trunks, if it turns out that your dick actually is smaller than Krillin’s, I’m going to ground you for the rest of your fucking life.”
“Yeah, no worries there,” huffed Trunks, slipping free from Vegeta’s grasp.
“So… uh… you guys done here?” asked Sharpener cautiously, fearful of incurring the wrath of the crazy motherfuckers he was leading around the zoo. “If you’ve had enough watching this dumb monkey pulling on his pork we can move on to…”
“HOW DARE YOU USE THAT WORD!?” roared Vegeta swiftly grabbing Sharpener by the throat, the tour guide’s feet dangling inches from the ground as he was held against the reinforced glass window.
“I… I wasn’t talking about you… sir…” choked out Sharpener, fearing for his life. He had seen Vegeta kill a shit ton of people at the Tenkaichi Budokai like it was nothing so he knew that the spandex-loving weirdo was not to be fucked with. “I… I was talking about Bollo!”
“It doesn’t matter. You used a racial slur,” said Piccolo folding his arms and giving the lad a nasty Namekian glare. “This team is a bigotry-free zone, so I'd appreciate it if you showed some class.”
“But… but Bollo is a literal monkey…” Sharpener gagged, desperately gesturing at fat fucking ape as it shamelessly wanked all over the glass in a tidal wave of pure white high fructose porn syrup.
“YOU SAID IT AGAIN!” snarled Vegeta, preparing to snap the lad’s neck like an extra-long dildo that had outlived its usefulness. “DIE EARTH-SCUM!”
“Wooooooah… clam down Veggie-Man,” said Yamcha, smoothly stepping up and putting a hand on the enraged Saiyan’s shoulder. “You’re hungover as a duck. How about we go get some beer and takoyaki. You like takoyaki right?”
Vegeta instantly let go of Sharpener, dropping the poor fellow before he shat himself. “Alcohol. Now,” demanded Vegeta, the promise of alcohol to fuel his addiction overcoming his urge to kill.
“Sure thing. I’ll have you drunk as fuck in no time,” replied Yamcha slapping Vegeta on the ass like an American sports star before turning to the others. “Alright gang, me and the prince are going to go get fucking wasted, let’s meet up later at the sex offender koala exhibit.”
“Whatever, just don’t let him kill anyone this time,” said Bulma sharply. “We’re still dealing with like 3000 lawsuits from what he did at the tournament for Christ-sake.”
“Oh man, is he always like this?” breathed Sharpener, fingering his tender neck. “It must suck having a Saiyan for a dad.”
“Tell me about it. He’s a total dingus,” said Trunks licking on his Popsicle casually.
“I swear, I’m really starting to get sick of this bullshit. Every single time we go somewhere that fucking idiot has to get violent and kill people,” bitched Bulma as she watched her troublesome husband and ex-boyfriend take off towards the snack stands. “Capsule Corp is going to go bankrupt from legal fees at this rate. I can’t fucking deal with this shit anymore.”
With a sigh of resignation, the blue-haired beauty turned back to Sharpener. “I’ve got half a mind to just put his dumb ass in the zoo where he belongs. You got any room for another Saiyan, cutie? Because if you do, then I have room for another lap rocket in my oyster ditch… if you know what I mean,” she said with a wink.
“What!?” gasped Sharpener, the horror of having to deal with Vegeta on a daily basis overriding the fact that his hot wife had just invited him to fuck her like an animal. “Oh… noooooo… no no no no… NO! We’re full on Saiyans ma’am. Sorry. But speaking of which, let’s head over to the next exhibit.”
Before they could leave, however, the Grim Reaper phased into existence and slammed its scythe through the glass, impaling Bollo in the face as the gorilla passionately made love to the protective glass.
“Holy shit on a dick!” gasped Bulma, stumbling back into Sharpener and falling flat on dat fine ass. Raising a hand to her mouth, her eyes went wide with fear at the gruesome sight of Bollo’s still twitching body hanging from the Reaper’s wicked sick scythe.
“AAHAHGHGHGGHGHHH! KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME!” screamed Krillin as he cowered behind Trunks like a bitch.
“Cut it out you dorka-saurs!” shouted Trunks, roughly kicking Krillin off of him.
“What the fuck man, you could at least give us a warning!” snapped Tien angrily, giving the Grim Reaper a dirty look. The sudden act of brutality had caused the triclops to spill his Hetap and he wasn’t happy about it.
“Sorry, mates,” said the Grim Reaper, genuinely apologetic as he pulled his scythe from the glass, letting the gorilla’s corpse fall to the ground in a mangled heap. “Just doin’ my job. Gotta take ol’ Bollo here to monkey hell.”
“Fine. I’ll let it slide just this once,” said Piccolo sternly. “But don’t you ever startle us like that again. Understand? We’re a highly trained team of superheroes. Things could have gotten ugly if I didn’t have so much self-control.”
“Yeah I know Piccolo, I’m sorry. My bad, mate.” said the Grim Reaper with a half-hearted shrug. “Anyway, I gotta bugger on outta’ here. Very tight schedule ya know? I’ll see yall later. Cheers, have a good one!”
With that, the Grim Reaper phased out of existence, taking Bollo’s soul with him straight to monkey hell. The sight made the Z Fighters shiver involuntarily, especially Krillin.
“And that is why no one likes hanging out with you guys…” muttered Sharpener under his breath as he adjusted his zoo worker hat.
“What was that Sharpener?” asked Piccolo sharply, his powerful Namekian hearing having caught every word. “Got something to share with us?”
“Nope. I was just thinking about how we should be moving on over to the next exhibit,” replied Sharpener not missing a beat. “If that’s okay with you, that is.”
Piccolo nodded. “Lead on,” he said. “We’re done here.”
As the group walked to the next exhibit, Krillin waddled up behind Trunks, a leering expression twisting his noseless features as he leaned down to whisper in the lad’s ear. “Hey, whenever you’re eating a Popsicle, do you ever imagine that it’s a giant donkus in your mouth like euugh, eughghh, EUGHHHAAA?” he said, making a sick gesture like he was choking on a big green Namekian dangalang and enjoying it.
“NO. Now stop sexually harassing me you fucking munchkin,” replied Trunks, giving the Krillin a look of unrivaled disgust as he threw his Popsicle on the ground and stomped on it. Trunks would never eat another Popsicle as long as he lived. The perverted midget had ruined it for him forever.
“Yeah, well, my dick is still bigger than… AAHAGAHGHGHGHGH! MY NARDS!” cried Krillin as Trunk’s foot made contact with his nuggets, crumpling him to the ground.
“Trunks! Did you just fucking kick Krillin in the nuts?” shouted Bulma, turning around to find Krillin writhing on the ground in testicular agony. “Good job! Just like I taught you!”
“Yeah, whatever. No biggie. It’s what I do,” replied Trunks blowing off his mom’s praise. Taking compliments was never the lad’s strong point.
“Alright, so here we are. Our main attraction: the Saiyan exhibit featuring Kakarot!” said Sharpener proudly, gesturing to the pen behind him.
Peering down into the large pit the Z Fighters were shocked to witness a hugely muscled, black-haired, butt-naked Saiyan male. The bloke was thrashing about like a total freakazoid, slamming his head on rocks and screeching uncontrollably.
“Uh… hey… isn’t that Broly?” asked Tenshinhan, scratching his bald head in confusion.
“You’re right Tien,” replied Piccolo leaning against the pit’s guard rail to get a better look. The big green Namekian wasn’t sure if he should be terrified or amused as the burly Saiyan continued to sperg-out below.
“Huh? Broly?” asked Sharpener, raising an eyebrow. “We thought his name was Kakarot. I mean, that’s all he kept saying when we first got him. Now he just makes autistic screeching noises.”
“Hey! Never mind that!” snapped Bulma, putting her hands on her hips in annoyance. “What I want to know is - is this exhibit safe.”
“What do you mean?” asked Sharpener scratching his cheek, not understanding what the woman’s problem was. “We’ve got a steel guard rail right here, you’d have to be dumber than dog shit to fall in.”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” grunted Bulma with a frown. “I mean, what’s stopping that mong from just leaping up here and killing us all? Because if he does, I will sue the FUCK out of this zoo.”
“Not if you’re dead,” corrected Tenshinhan.
“Shut up pecker-head,” snapped Bulma, not even sparing the sarcastic triclops a glance. “I have serious issues with this exhibit, and it isn’t just safety that’s a problem. Just look at his pen!”
“What? It’s a pretty nice pen,” replied Sharpener, quickly growing tired of Bulma’s bitching. “He’s got some rocks, and trees, the obligatory dead log - and even a small river. What more could a fucking monkey want?”
“Are you fucking serious?” snapped Bulma waving a finger in the lad’s face angrily. “You think this is an appropriate ecosystem for a Saiyan? Where’s the booze? Where's the cigarettes? Where’s the classic rock CDs!?”
“The hell? Why does a damn ape need classic rock CDs!?” retorted Sharpener, taking a step back as Bulma closed in on him, his muscular buttocks bumping up against the cold steel railing. “And who the fuck even uses CDs anymore anyway?”
“I’m married to a fucking Saiyan, and I know damn well the kind of care they require, and this sure as hell ain’t it!” snarled Bulma, punctuating her sentence by jabbing a finger into Sharpener’s rock hard pecs and bending the bodybuilder back against the railing dangerously. “This is animal cruelty! No wonder the poor guy is pitching an autistic fit down there!”
“Hey lady, I’m sorry but you’re full of shit,” snapped Sharpener, manning up and pushing Bulma off of him before he could fall back into the pen. “We take good care of our animals here at the Cincinnati Zoo. If you have a problem with it, take it up with the jackholes at the front office.”
“Did you… did you just touch my melons!?” gasped Bulma crossing her hands in front of her breasts and blushing like a recycled virgin on her wedding night. “That’s it! I’m calling PETA!”
“For Broly or for you?” asked Tenshinhan with a snorting laugh.
“Fuck you Tien!” snapped Bulma, flipping him off as she pulled out her phone and began dialing.
“Listen kid, I don’t think you know what you’re dealing with here,” said Piccolo turning to a perturbed Sharpener. “Where did you get Broly anyway?”
“Huh? I don’t know. I’m just a tour guide,” replied Sharpener, still more than a little angry with Bulma. “But listen, I promise you, we're 100% safe up here. There is no way in hell that Broly could…”
Without warning, Broly leaped up onto the guard rail, reached under Bulma’s skirt, and savagely grabbed her by the pussy!
“AAGHAGHGHGHHHGH! MY McMUFFIN!”
TO BE FUCKING CONTINUED!
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NEXT TIME on Dragon Ball #Me Too - The Z Fighters watch in horror as Broly drags Bulma into his pen in a fit of autistic rage. Can Piccolo devise a brilliant plan to save their sponsor? Or will the zookeepers have to resort to using lethal force and blast them all straight to hell? Find out in the next exciting chapter of Dragon Ball #Me Too!
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