BY : TheBatcave
Category: Dragon Ball Z > Yaoi - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 7625
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball Z, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Hellooo! This fic was originally posted on FF.net. I began writing this almost a decade ago but now the time has come for a rewrite. It's going to be darker and more explicit than the original, hence why I've decided to post on here instead :)

This story was divided into 3 separate fics, but for now, I've combined the first two since the first one was pretty short. Anyway, do enjoy! I'll update as much as I can!

Chapter 1: The End

May 26th, Age 767

Gohan could remember the exact day when everything started going wrong.

It was now October 20th, Age 773. He was seventeen and a half, he should have really been hanging out with his friends, but he didn't have any his own age. All he could do right now was stare at the open books laid out in front of him on his desk, pretending to look busy as he had been doing since the day everything went wrong - the day his father died, which was also the day he stopped caring.

Gohan looked the same, yet so different to how he did back then. He'd grown out his hair again, having taken to tying it back and letting it hang over his right shoulder. He was taller and had matured to a point where he looked older than he actually was. His eyes most definitely looked like they were beyond his years - and empty, with dark circles under them.

The sound of small footsteps on the wooden floor of his bedroom brought him out of his trance; Gohan squeezed his eyes shut to try and block out his younger sibling's endless babbling as he held up what resembled one of his 'mud pies' that he'd brought in from outside. His mother was no different; bellowing like a child to make him study.

"Not now, Goten... " he mumbled.

Gohan used to have good days and bad days, now they were just bad days and worse days; today was a worse day, he didn't want to have to interact with anybody, not that Goten would understand that. He was only five years old after all. Chi Chi suddenly walked in through the front door.

"Goten, how many times do I need to tell you?" she sighed, picking up her youngest. "You can't be in here while Gohan's studying! Let's get you downstairs." Gohan continued to restlessly tap at his wrist with the compass he was meant to be using for his geometry, not that anybody noticed. "Gohan, you've barely gotten through any of this!"

"Not up to it today," replied the half saiyan dully. Chi Chi wasn't surprised at this.

A couple of months ago Gohan was diagnosed with depression, after years of denial from both him and Chi Chi. He was put on some pills and had therapy, but whenever it came round to that time, he'd fly off. The pills were also redundant as he flushed them down the toilet. Chi Chi was trying her best to carry on as normal for Goten's sake.

"Right, let's get you to bed!" she said in a cheery voice to Goten.

"Moooom..." he droned in response.

"No arguments! I think you should call it a night too, Gohan. Just try again in the morning."

Chi Chi got no response, not even a look, then she left the room sighing in defeat; she knew Gohan was getting worse by the day, but didn't know how to make things better. She continued to push him to study to see if distraction was the way to go, but little did she know that her son had his own secret coping methods.

Gohan continued to ignore the work laid out in front of him in neat piles and concentrated on where his compass was going. He heard his mother humming in the kitchen downstairs and the sound of Goten's annoying cries for attention coming from his bedroom. He hated his bedtimes.

"Fuck this... " Gohan mumbled bitterly. Now that Chi Chi's attention was elsewhere, he got up from his dusty old wooden chair, sending his text books to the floor at the same time.

He took the compass with him, feeling more restless by the second. He sat on his bed with his legs crossed, leaning on his knees with his elbows. He stopped for a second to make sure that nobody was near his door, feeling himself start to shake. He thought he was going to cry, but he refused to. Gohan hadn't cried since he lost his father - or rather, when his father left him.

Whereas the rest of the gang understood Goku's decision to stay dead, Gohan took it badly, outwardly pretending to his friends that he was just as optimistic as they were about it. As soon as he told his mother and saw Trunks off when he went back to his timeline, he became quiet and withdrawn, not interested in anything. Chi Chi's father died of a heart attack soon after, and was in a similar state, crying herself to sleep at night for the next few weeks - until she discovered that she was pregnant.

Chi Chi was ecstatic, it was like Goku had left her with the most precious gift in the universe, she soon began to move on with her life. Gohan tried to be happy for her as best he could, he did well to hide his true feelings, help around the house with the baby and continue his studies to get into a good school... it was just the three of them in their little house out in the mountains.

Despite being so far out in the open, Gohan felt claustrophobic, going out most nights into the city where he wandered the streets, developing a habit of stealing petty objects from stores and getting away with it thanks to his speed. Petty objects soon turned to alcohol, and then drugs. Yet none of these things filled the gaping hole in his chest. At first his mother thought that he was just acting like a normal, moody teenage boy, but as soon as she realised that he wasn't behaving normally after all, she took him straight to a professional.

They soon realised that therapy wasn't going to work - how were they meant to get to the source of the problem if Gohan couldn't tell them everything? About who he really was? On top of all that were his saiyan-related problems, which he had nobody to really talk to about. He was holding back the overwhelming urge to fight, which was only making him worse, and that wasn't the only thing he was bottling up - sexual frustrations were beginning to surface, that he put down to his age more than anything.

Gohan rolled up his left sleeve, revealing his scarred wrist. He was feeling more and more anxious by the second - it was like he had an addiction to it. Whenever he felt a panic attack coming on, this was the only way he could deal with it, despite having suffered from them in secret since he was four. His encounter with Raditz, his father's first death, and Piccolo's kidnapping of him saw to that. His training with Piccolo only taught him to hide his deepest fears so that any future opponents couldn't use them against him.

The closeness he had to Piccolo had dissipated over time since he mostly wanted to be alone; because Piccolo now lived on the lookout, he wasn't as close by as he used to be - Gohan hadn't seen or heard from him in over a year now. Not since he began sneaking out at night and running riot. Piccolo had confronted him once, but Gohan promptly told him to stay away from him. He was sure that he was watching over him ever since, but right now, he couldn't care less about anybody else.

Gohan tried to slow his breathing enough to gain a steady hand. He'd never used a compass to do this before, but he ran out of razors, not being able to get away long enough to get some more, thanks to Goten's tendency to walk into his room without knocking. He placed the sharp tip onto his skin, adding some pressure, then dragged it over his wrist. He inhaled sharply at the sensation. It hurt, but in a good way. He felt his anxiety melting away as relief made it's way through his body, a thin stream of blood leaking from the cut.

"Shit... " he gasped, snapping out of his high as the blood dripped off his wrist and onto his fresh bed covers. He quickly wiped the compass clean on his jeans, placing it on the bedside table before licking the blood up with his tongue and attempting to stop the flow by putting his mouth over it.


He didn't know why that felt so good. He hadn't felt such relief in a long, long time. In fact, he hadn't felt anything at all since the day his father said that he wasn't coming back.

Gohan watched the blood leak from his wrist from the cut he made with an old razor blade he found in the bathroom. He was sat on his bed, the door barricaded by his desk chair.

He'd studied psychology during the hours he spent in his room, recently coming across depression and self harm; it fascinated him. He pretty much self diagnosed himself from what he was reading for his school work. He'd been feeling so sad since his father left him, since he let himself become that monster that caused all of it to happen in the first place. He was left as the 'man of the house' to take care of his mother, little did Goku know that it would include looking after a baby too. What was Gohan supposed to do? He was only twelve years old.

-End Flashback-

Gohan woke up on top of his bed at 7.00am that morning. Seven hours of sleep was a pretty good night's sleep for him nowadays, he didn't remember dreaming. He was still in last night's clothes. He went to check on his wrist, not recalling exactly when he fell asleep - his sleeve was glued to his skin with dry blood, but luckily, none of it went on the bed sheets.

"Gohan! Breakfast!"

Gohan peeled himself from his bed and got dressed before heading downstairs. He sat down at the table resting his head in his hand, slowly moving his eyes over to Goten who was painting the table with his porridge. He zoned out as soon as Chi Chi sat down, placing his breakfast in front of him.

"I made your favourite!" she chirped.

"I'm not hungry... " muttered Gohan, snapping out of his daydream. Eggs were his favourite once, but now the mere smell of them was knocking him sick. Chi Chi finally gave up.

"Gohan, you have to eat!"

"I said I'm not hungry," he said as he got up from his chair. All he wanted was to be alone, the last thing he wanted was a huge fuss over nothing... because that was what he genuinely believed he was, whether it was the depression talking or not he didn't know, neither did he care enough to find out.


Time seemed to pass quickly, it was safe to say that Gohan had experienced some dark times in his life; he'd seen what no child should see, death all around him. The world was always in danger until he defeated Cell. But he was fifteen now, a teenager who should have been worrying about school, pimples and impressing girls, and the world was safe for the time being - what was stopping him from having that normal life that he always craved?

Nothing seemed to be bringing him out of his downward spiral, he felt that little bit worse every single day. He never told his mother how he felt, not wanting to cause her any worry, especially when she had Goten to look after, and he was a handful at the best of times just like Goku was. But he couldn't help getting away whenever he could, especially in the dead of night when he couldn't sleep.

He went to a different city this time, using his speed to his advantage to steal from the nearest corner store like he always did. The woman from the last store he took from was starting to recognise him; he wore a dark green long sleeved shirt and jeans to blend in when everyone else. Gohan settled into a dark alley, taking the small bottle of liquor from under his shirt. It tasted horrible and burned him all the way down as usual but he began to drink from it regardless. From the corner, somebody was watching him...

-End Flashback-


"What?! Why can't you just leave me alone!?" he cried. That was the first time he'd raised his voice in weeks.

"Gohan, calm down! Look, I think we should take you back to the doctor tomorrow. Your pills obviously aren't working." Gohan let out a hysterical laugh. She clearly hadn't accepted that he just couldn't bring himself out of it. He watched his mother flick through her address book for a phone number.

"I don't take the pills, mom. I never have," he confessed blankly.

"What?! How are you supposed to get better if you don't do as the doctor says?!" she exclaimed, slamming the book down.

"I feel numb enough without having to take those stupid things!"

"You can't just pretend that it'll all go away. You've missed so much school already because of all this."

"It's an illness, it's not exactly something I can help," he said as calmly as he could. He began pacing as panic began rising in his chest again. He needed to cut again. He did it everyday at least once. He began pulling at his long hair, scratching at his collar bone to try and keep himself on the ground.

"I'm trying! But you're going to have to meet me in the middle, here!"

"I can't... " he answered quietly, tremors appearing in his hands.

"If you're not going to do it for me or yourself, think about Goten. Do for your father, even."

"Dad isn't here anymore!" he shouted, feeling strangely better as he got some of his frustration out in the open. He rarely lost his temper these days - not since the devastating consequences that had during the Cell Games.

"Gohan, he would want you to get better and just be - " Chi Chi stopped herself as she realised what she was about to say, but Gohan had caught on to her.


"Well... yes," she admitted. It was then that Gohan finally snapped. He finally let her know how he really felt.

"The closest I ever feel to being normal is when I cut myself." Gohan felt oddly satisfied when Chi Chi was finally lost for words.

"Go to your room, Gohan."

The boy did so, slamming the door behind him. Chi-Chi continued to stare ahead, not realising that Goten had followed his distressed older sibling upstairs. Gohan looked out the window, fighting back the tears that he'd been holding in since his father had died. He rolled his eyes as he heard small feet stomp into his room.

"What, Goten?"

"Stop shouting at mommy!" he said angrily. The five year old was obviously distressed, but in his innocent perception of the situation led him to believe that Gohan was being nasty to his mother, he was only a child after all, but Gohan glared at him with a fierce look in his eyes.

"Get out... " he said through his teeth, trying his best to keep hold of his self control for the next ten seconds. Goten shrunk away in fear and toddled back out to Chi Chi, who was still sat in the kitchen.


Gohan followed the blonde teenage boy into a grotty apartment which was dimly lit by broken lamps and candles. Everyone in there seemed to be just a little older than himself, as was the boy who led him inside. Gohan felt slightly drunk, the liquor he drank earlier had started going to his head. He had no idea who these people were, but anything seemed better than being alone.

He was led into the back room, where a man sat on the manky sofa with the old cracked television blaring out music in the background.

"Who is this?" he asked, not looking at them. The man looked to be in his twenties, with a shaved head and scruffy clothing, but the boy that led Gohan there seemed intimidated by him.

"He was drinking alone outside," said the boy eagerly, as if he was after something. The man finally looked up, fixing his eyes on Gohan. Gohan seemed to start swaying a little as he began to feel the affects of the alcohol.

"You're needed in there," said the man to the blonde boy. The teenager nodded and put his hand on Gohan's shoulder.

"This is Li, he'll take care of you." The teenager gave him a forced smile as he went into the next room and closed the door, leaving Gohan alone with this stranger.

"Why were you by yourself?" asked Li. Gohan shrugged, Li noticing how sad and tired he looked, as well as drunk. "How old are you?"

"Eighteen," he lied, not wanting to be treated like a child anymore. He was never allowed to be a child unless it suited someone else. He figured that Li was easily fooled by him, since Gohan was well built and more developed than a regular human teenager of fifteen.

"Sit down," he said merrily, gesturing at him to join him on the sofa. Gohan did so, mostly because he was starting to feel dizzy. "You shouldn't be by yourself at this time around here. I'm glad he brought you. Why were you drinking out in the street?"

"I feel sad," croaked Gohan, still staring at the floor. That was the first time he'd ever told anybody how he really felt.

"You know, when you're feeling sad, drinking by yourself isn't the best way of dealing." Li reached around behind him, opening two bottles of beer and giving one to Gohan.

"And drinking more is going to solve the problem?" asked Gohan cynically.

"Maybe not, but now you're no longer drinking alone."

Li smiled at him kindly. Gohan rolled his eyes and accepted the offer, not hesitating to carry on drinking. He felt somewhat better; maybe it was because somebody was finally showing him some affection and treating him like a grown up.

Then he heard something rather odd coming from the room where the blonde teenager had disappeared into.

"What's that noise?"

"An eighteen year old who doesn't know what fucking sounds like?"

"Oh... " sighed Gohan, raising his eyebrows. He took another gulp of his drink. That was the first time he'd been anywhere near sex.


"A little intrusive... I only met you five minutes ago."

"Yet you're drinking my beer," said Li, shooting him a smile. "So are you?"

"Yeah," admitted Gohan.

"Odd at your age."

"I'm a bit of a loner."

"So no friends? Family?"

"Not really," he lied.

"Don't worry, you're not alone anymore."

Gohan ended up fighting back tears after being told that, even though part of him knew that Li was only telling him what he wanted to hear.

"Hey," he said, placing his hand on Gohan's shoulder. "It's alright. Like Adam said, I'm going to take care of you. I've got just the thing."

Li reached over to a bag at the end of the table. Gohan watched him as he poured the white powder onto the table in front of them into neat lines; he didn't have to be smart to realise what it was, but at the same time, he didn't care. He just wanted to stop feeling sad.

"You done this before?"

Gohan shook his head as he watched him snort the first line before handing the rolled up piece of paper to him. He hesitantly followed his lead and took the second line. He raised his head too quickly afterwards, feeling the affects of the alcohol and the cocaine at once. He felt better, no longer depressed, every little thing started to seem interesting, especially the various indentations in the old coffee table.

"Is that better?"

Gohan closed his eyes, laughing to himself about nothing, not noticing that Li was moving closer, caressing his face. He finally opened his eyes again, seeing him right in his face, and still moving closer. He didn't know whether it was the drugs flowing through him or not, but he wanted something to happen, and it did when Li finally kissed him. Gohan didn't know what he was doing, but soon started get the hang of it, never having kissed anyone before.

Gohan circled his arms around the man's neck, letting his tongue invade his mouth; this was the first spark of life that he'd felt in a long time. He got carried away, pushing the man onto his back and deepening the kiss. Li suddenly pulled apart smiling.

"Have some more," he said, easing Gohan upright again. He could see that Gohan's eyes were like glass, his pupils were pinpoint, indicating that he was still high. Gohan took another line, ignoring that Li didn't. He lifted his head back up too quickly, sending this senses into overdrive.

"Shit..." he laughed. He could feel Li kissing his neck, slowly winning him over and making his heart flutter with excitement.

"You're gorgeous," he whispered into Gohan's ear. That was the first time anybody had shown him this much attention. Li kissed him again, knowing that Gohan's head was swimming.

Soon enough Gohan was the one being pushed back onto the couch, Li settled on top of him between his legs, not giving him the chance to change his mind. Gohan felt his hands begin to roam his body, slowly lifting his shirt up as high as it would go. Then Li stopped, watching as Gohan stared blankly at the ceiling, his cheeks reddened from their heated kissing.

"Stand up for me," said Li as softly as he could. He even held out his hand so that Gohan could regain his balance. As Gohan's senses returned to him a little, he noticed something odd... Li was circling him, his eyes examining his body. He watched him smile as he finally stopped in from of him again. "Follow me."

Gohan went along with it, Li leading him to the nearest bedroom by his hand. It was a grotty old room, all it had in it was a couple of tables, a lamp and a bed without any covers on it. For some reason, that was when he realised that Li hadn't even asked his name - it was obvious that he wasn't only a drug dealer, but a pimp. And it looked as if Gohan had caught his eye.

Gohan new how this worked, he'd read about it. Li was planning on sleeping with him right there and then, gaining his affections and then prostituting him. Part of him didn't even care. He was suddenly pulled back and held against the wall, where Li increased his advances, kissing him violently and letting his hands wander. Gohan could have easily stopped him if he wanted to, but he liked it. Li's hand suddenly moved down his front, disappearing into his boxers and grabbing onto him; he smiled at the sounds it was generating. Then Li pulled away from him, seemingly looking for something.

"I'll be back in a sec, just need to grab something."

He left after giving him a kiss, leaving Gohan alone in that manky little room. Gohan pondered whether to stay or not, it didn't take a genius to know that Li went looking for a condom. He didn't really want to lose his virginity like this, but at the same time this was the most excitement he'd had in years. Then something caught his eye... there was a battered old bag sticking out from under the bed, and when Gohan went to examine it, he found that it was packed full of cocaine. Without even thinking, he took the bag and made a run for it before Li came back.

-End Flashback-

Now Gohan was sure he wanted it all to end. There and then. He couldn't take it anymore.

Gohan slammed the door shut, earning a disapproving yell from his mother. As he didn't want to be interrupted, he barricaded himself in with his desk chair before sitting on his bed. He'd never felt more ready for it all this pain to end, he just wanted to sleep peacefully forever.

Chi Chi didn't see him when he left the kitchen, but he managed to slip a kitchen knife into his sleeve that was on the dinner table. Gohan wasted no time as he cut deeply into both of his wrists until they were bleeding profusely; the pain made him feel some sort of relief, but it also made him feel nauseous - he'd never cut this deep before, always careful and resourceful in the past. He steadily grew dizzy and cold and found himself swaying slightly; instead of falling back onto his bed like he'd hoped, he collapsed forwards onto the floor.

Gohan landed at a rather awkward angle, hitting the floor head first; it knocked him out instantly, but his neck took the rest of his weight, breaking it. It wasn't exactly the way he planned to go, but at least it was quick.

You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story